Thursday, July 29, 2010

Choosing Life

Last night I posted about reading THIS post and blog and how I had a blog post in my head as I was reading/commenting. Then when it came to compose it - it was gone. Which is still partially true. I've not really thought much today about it. I guess the reason it hit me the way it did last night was partially part of the reason we choose to move forward w/our disruption/T.PR.

I believe I've blogged about the significant emotional effect that Cor and his issues had on our daughter Ab. As a refresher (for those new to my blog) Ab was born a year after we adopted Cor. They were 5 years apart. Had a very healthy bond until she was about 14 months old. At which time Cor realized (after a week long i.ntensive therapy session with Deborah Hage and our therapist) that he could no longer hurt me. His actions/behaviors/ect ect - would no longer hurt me. We had several weeks of great behavior and progress. Then one day it all changed. It was a change that was just as heartbreaking to me as it was him. He figured out he could hurt me. By hurting his sister. I've blogged about that early on in this blog - feel free to comment or ask questions for specific issues: as this post is not about "that" stuff so to speak.

So as I was sitting at gymna.stics last night reading blogs, watching my almost 11 year old daughter during her "trials" for T.nT...and I read THIS post...the words of our therapist we had for Cor rang in my head - over and over and over!! Something that she said to me recently. Very recently. As in the last 6 months. We consulted w/her from time to time while Ms. N was living with us. More for family dynamics than anything else. There was one particular time that just myself went and James stayed home. I believe N might have been sick or something. IDK.

I don't know that I completely agree that we Choose Life for our son. We choose to disrupt. We choose NOT to fight the State we are from and allow them to follow thru w/terminating our parental rights. We choose to not allow him to come back in our home and because of that our parental rights were terminated.

We or more like I had no more fight left in us.
We had done every.single.thing we were asked.
We had read, participated, tried, loved, you name it....

And nothing we could do could help our son. Choosing to terminate our parental rights in our situation (and I REITERATE OUR SITUATION...bc we didn't have another family) doesn't feel like we CHOOSE LIFE.

Or does did we?

As I think about those words so lovely wrote on this lovely blog....AND....the words from Mrs. M our therapist play into our head....AND...the images of my young daughter THEN and NOW whisk into my memory.....

I can say.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Abigayle...we choose to allow her to no longer live in extreme stress and anxiety. We choose to allow this young little girl to no longer worry about when/what/where her big brother would explode. I've blogged about her response when we told her 5 years ago "your brother will never live in our home again...how it came blubbering and blurting out in a fit of frustration on my part and how my baby girl who wasn't even 6 years old said to me..Momma, I know why its okay. You dont' have to tell me. I know. Why is it Abigayle? Because momma...when he is visiting and living at home...Bry and I are not safe.." Out of the mouthes of babes. She knew. (Again, I've blogged about that...)

As I watched her 4 years later....on that gymnastics floor last night. My heart knew. We choose life for her.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Bryant...we choose to allow our toddler to be safe. To have no worry that he would be hurt again. Hurt was all he knew. Because from his newborn life till present that is what happened. From a chair being thrown and landing on him at 5 months of age to many other things that are not blog-able....we choose safety.

We CHOOSE LIFE...

For Cor. Not the best life. Not a life that I wish on my worst enemy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of guilt over where the path has taken him. And, Marilyn's words replay in my head over and over "Gala, you do know...if you didn't choose to terminate...he would NOT be getting the extensive level of care that he is getting TODAY or ever. With out doing that he would have NEVER continued to get the help he needed." I shook my head yes, I knew that day. In reality, I never thought about it that way.

We ChOOSE LIFE...

for our marriage.
for our children - each and every one of them.

It isn't an easy task. Not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy.

As I see what a complete turn around my daughter has made. I know in my heart that CHOOSING LIFE/DISRUPTION was the best thing for OUR FAMILY! And as much as I wish that Cor could be a part of our family. Tonight as I look at how healthy and emotionally stable Bry and Abi are doing now compared to before.....I have no regrets.

2 comments:

Diana said...

Tatoo those last 4 words on your forhead and don't look back. Let God take care of the rest.

Jess said...

wow, I have never looked at my situation like this until now. We lost a child several years ago who was very sick. We were ill prepared and had no support. I have grieved heavily over it.
thank you.