Friday, August 29, 2008

10 Years Ago Today

As it is called in the adoption was our "Gotcha Day".

The day that we became parents for the very first time.

The day that we waited for - for so long.

The day that turned our lives upside down and inside out.

The day that would forever change who we are deep inside our core self.

The day that I will never forget.

Hard to believe that this week also marked the 2 yr aniv. since the TPR was final.

What am I doing about this? How is it affecting me? What can I do? yada yada yada....

The tears are plentiful.

Today i went to the college to get my books. They didn't have my math book. I had to go somehwere else. My FA Loan check was only for that place and how was I supposed to do that? insert tears...

Algebra Sucks...just read my other blog. I've spent several hours tonight. Got to page 3 and about 12 questions (I have about 150-200 PLUS a quiz to take before Sunday night). I will be looking for other classes to take I think because I'm going to fail this miserable. I can't understand this to save my stinkin soul....coping mechinism....insert tears

I'm a mess!! TMW we are having a birthday party for my 2 children and my nephew. It isn't the "party" that they wanted and we were going to have another one for them with their friends. However, we just can't afford it. I'm so stressed right now about how this new job will work out and income stuff that I can't see myself think. Coping mechinism....insert tears.

Basically - I've been a crying mess today. It isn't even the anniv. for another 5 minutes....(it is still technically Fri...for another 5 minutes)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I am feeling really good today.

As I have said or maybe not on here - this position I am training in there has been this "feeling in the air" that it is all about who you know, what race you are, what sex you are, what sexual orientation you are. There have even been comments to me by 2 of the black women "there more black women in this company than white".

I don't play the race game. You better not even come close to insinuating and/or accusing me that I'm racist because you will see a side of me like no other. Trust me...the last person who filed a complaint in this matter didn't know that my newly adopted son was bi-racial. Just because that lil blonde haired, blue eyed, pale as snot 4 yr old didn't look bi-racial = he certainly was.

Well, today....

it didn't matter what race, creed, sexual preference, who you knew bull shit....

That snobby asshat of a wench the karma that she so deserved.

I never talked to her. Ii spent the last 2 weeks in a class training and couldn't figure out what was wrong and what I did to tick her off. My friend kept saying "stay away...that ol' Jackie ain't stay away from here Gala...." she woudl say this every night when we would talk about our "day". I couldn't figure it out. I listened to her.

Today -Ol' I think I'm Mighty w/my g-string in the air asshat...she got what she deserved.

Jackie got to take the WALK OF SHAME...right outof the Metro parking lot.

She took out a few curbs, stop signs and well....lets just say that it wasn't pretty. ROFLMAO!!

I then had EVERY one of the instructors come and give me a hug and say "What comes around...goes around. Pay back is a b! you are happy". Secretly deep down I was hoping she didn't pass. Yet, the 'nice' part of me didn't want to wish ill harm on anyone.



And the side of me you don't want to see....

And the side of me that you probably don't want to know about....

I'm thinking dirt you ol hag....

She did alright...she did.


Monday, August 25, 2008

Sigh of Relief

There was a huge sigh of relief this afternoon as I was told (over and over) 'good job...good're great'. The final sigh of relief came when I was told "How do you think you did?" I responded with "Ok...Ok few areas that I struggle with the 'CDL' way and the "real life' way of things...but okay.." He laughed and said "You did excellent...The best test so far in this far the best...Congrats and WELCOME TO METRO".

OMGosh - I thought I was going to cry. I had tried prep myself that if I didn't pass this test that I needed to not cry in front of this person...wait till I get to my car. hehehe.. Here I am trying not to cry because I PASSED.

My wage went from minimum wage ($6.55 hr) for the training to much higher. MUCH MUCH HIGHER. next huge prayer request:

I can/will be promoted to FULL TIME very quickly.

Full time entails:
The obvious - 40 hrs per week.

The obvious - full time hours = full time pay.

Benefits - my health insurance will be 100% paid for family.

Retirement - 10.6% of my income (this is from now on) the City will pay. I can contribute if I would like.

There are many other retirement, life, disability and other memberships that come with being FULL TIME.

For me...the

Sunday, August 24, 2008

More on "Our Story"....

I've posted this before as kind of a "leave off"from where I was at on writing about our journey. At times i need to take a break because the emotions and feelings tend to be to much.

So today...I'll post about something that has been on my mind. Something that I try very hard to think about. Something that brings smiles to my face...because in is the positive memories that we need to remember. The good times.

"The Good Days"

It was very hard for me to think about disruption. Mostly because I was in denial, afraid of what others would think of 'me', because there were many many days that were good.

Cor loved to help me. He loved to cook. He loved to clean. From the very beginning he would ask "Can I do the dishes? Can I do this....Can I do that....Can I help cook....?"

My 2 bio children love to cook. Looking back that made Cor no different than a "normal" child. Right? No really.

Cor loved the P.ackers. He LOVED B.rett Favre. James' dream was to take him to a P.acker game. He never got to do that with him. We took him to the stadium and museum one year. He was about 5 almost 6 yrs old.

The kid could draw. I mean - REALLY draw. Shortly before he was hospitalized in the psych hospital I found a very good drawing of a deer, fawn, hunter and tree in Abi's room ON HER WALL. Done in pencil. When I questioned her how it got there (I knew) she said "Isn't it pretty is a picture that Cor drew for me." Of course I didn't think it was pretty. My immediate reaction was is the WALL. Can't you draw something so nice and put it on PAPER my son...? When Ii talked to him about it he had a very logical reasoning. Really...what 7 yr old wouldn't think that..."I want Abi to always remember the picture I drew for her." Needless to say what happened next didn't go over very well. You can probaby guess.

Cor loved the water AFTER we made him go to swim lessons. He loved it before. He wouldn't put his face under. Once he got over that he was sooo good and did great in swimming.

When I was pregnant with Abi he was sooo excited. He truly loved Abi. Even though he turned and started hurting her. I know it was the illness/disease that was 'hurting' Abi. I know that he truly loved her deep in his heart. He was always very protective of her. He was always very sad and/or upset when she was sick or would get hurt.

He didn't have that bond with Bryant. He wasn't around him long enough to gain that bond. He regressed to a point that it wasn't in "his" best interest to expose him to Bry. I pretty much didn't' let him go near him unless I was right there.

I hope and pray that those good days/positive moments that we had together will remain with not only myself but also for him. He will remember that I loved him. I would give my life for him. I fought for him till the very end.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I wonder....

if C knows how much I think about him....

if C knows how much my heart aches for him....

if C knows how sorry I am that I could not be his forever mommy...

if C knows how there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him...

I wonder....

if C has a forever family?

if C will play football this fall?

I wonder...

how long this void will be in my heart?

how long I will have this constant heart ache?

how long I will miss him?

I wonder...

if we will ever be able to adopt again?

if this experience will haunt me for the rest of my life?

if my husband longs to hold, talk, kiss, parent C?

I wonder.....

about many things.....
Ten years ago this month (few weeks shy...) we became first time parents to a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, 4 yr old little boy.

Two years ago this month (few days/week shy) we officially went from parents of 3 children to parents of 2...

Two years ago this month (few days/week shy) we officially went from having 2 sons to having 1...

I had a very nice talk w/Cor's attachment therapist a few days ago. I had sent her an email and left a message for her in regards to a friend of mine who recently adopted a toddler. I truly

love(d) our A.T. She was/is such an awesome mentor to me. She continues to amaze me with the depth of her knowledge, love, passion and everything else. She gave me a little added strength when she didn't even know it. She g