Sunday, November 30, 2008

There it was....

in a box....
in a bag....

with his name on it....

Nothing like taking away the moment.....
Nothing like taking away the holiday spirit as you decorate...

than to find a stocking that you thought you had sent the social 2 yrs ago....

Only to find it 2 yrs later...

My heart truly sunk this evening as I was getting a few of the Christmas decorations out.  Looking in some boxes in the basement, preparing to bring them upstairs, finding Cor's stocking.

I stood there for a second.  Speechless - VERY speechless.  I said "I could have sworn I sent this to him...." I said it over and over.  My dh than said 'no you said you were not sending hiim anything. that it was your stuff. not his baby pictures. not his stocking. not his anything" (jerk).  I reminded him that I DID SEND his stocking to him.  I then realized it was a 'different' stocking. Not sure when/where it came from.  However, it wasn't the one that matched the rest from Lands End stockings that we have.  In the same bag was Ab's First Christmas stocking.

It just took away my gusto.  I have not wanted to decorate.  I've not wanted to get out the stockings because our P.E.A.C.E. stocking holder hasn't been replaced to fit a family of 4 instead of a family of 5 like we once were.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What's Your Purpose? I'm not so sure about mine?!?

This quote sums up how I am feeling as of late. It tells in one sentence something about me. Something about me that is struggling. It is why I started this blog...kind of. (more on that later, maybe)

"We write so we don't feel so alone"

I am not sure where that quote came from. I saw it on a 'quote website' and then somewhere else recently. I don't really care where I found it.

It sums up in a few words why I blog. Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do...ulitmately it is because I feel so d*mn alone in this journey. Because 2 yrs son's name is never mentioned unless I am the one bringing it up. It isn't like I'm some sobbing maniac that can't bring up the her why is it that not one of my family members...including my husband...ever seem to think about or mention Cor? Why is it?

It is this reason...that I blog. Because I am alone in this journey with in my own little world. Of course there are other reasons why. Hopefully, there is someone who may stumble upon this blog or my other blog and that person my relate. Maybe for a moment in their they can not feel so alone. If that is the case...than I mission is accomplished.

I don't know many of my blog followers or if I have any. Sure there are a handfull. Sure I've read a few blogs and follow quite a few myself. I'm guessing that the several lurkers that I have on each of my blogs (I am able to track the ISP/City/States...but that is it) are fellow RAD parents, maybe LDS parents, a few friends....I don't really know.

There are many people - professionals - family members who don't really understand Reactive Attachment Disorder. Some might try. Some might try only because their profession says they must do so. Some just don't give a crap.

It was my experience as a RAD parent that most professionals just don't give a crap. They have the letters behind their names that say they actually paid a lot of money for a degree that should have taught them about what RAD really is.

The reality is unless you have lived one day in the life of a parent whose child struggles with really can't understant. Sorry...but you can't. You might have tried...but you can't.

So much of my life was kept private. So much of the living hell was to painful to talk about. Of course family and the few friends that stuck around new that 'something' was wrong. It was really easy to blame the 18 mo. old baby who wouldn't even allow a stranger to look at her mommy let alone talk to her w/o was easy to say "you are to spoiled, to spirited, your mommy nursed you waaayyyy tooooo long...." Little did they know that this baby was being terrorised. My own mother didn't even know the extreme problems w/in our life until after the first out of home placement. Not because I didn't try telling her. Because she was in denial, I was to strict, I didn't know how to parent this child....

So many people didn't think that things were all that bad because we kept it all together.... Man do I wish that was the case.

Then there is the "me" factor. What this hole experience did to me? Maybe I'll save that post for another day. Because in reality...right this very is way to flippen painful to talk about.

I blog because when the days are dark....I know that I can write and in the serves as some sort of therapy. Good or bad. Doesn't really matter.

I wish that during the time in our life that we were living this hell I would have had other RAD blogs to read. I wish that I would have had that support. To know that I am not alone.

It has only been recently that I've come across a blog or two of parents who have disrupted. Interesting fact - there is very little to no discussion about it. There is no talk about the extreme feelings of guilt, the extreme feelings of failure, the this...or that...that goes along with this.

Maybe I'm missing the faith piece...maybe it is because I'm not faithful enough, dont' have enough love for my father in heaven strewed about on my blog.....please don't take that comment wrong...I love reading faith filled blogs because it reinstates a little bit of what faith in my Father in Heaven I have left.

As you can probably heart is very heavy. My heart is weary. My heart is sad. My heart is missing my son more than anything the last few days. My heart is very lonely....

I I don't feel quite so alone.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Dear Grandma....God Be With You Till We Meet Again...

To My Dearest Grandma (and Abi and Bry's Great Grandma...),
No other thoughts or words right now.......

God be with you till we meet again;
By His counsels guide, uphold you,
With His sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till we meet again.


Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus' feet;
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
Neath His wings protecting hide you;
Daily manna still provide you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
With the oil of joy anoint you;
Sacred ministries appoint you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
When life's perils thick confound you;
Put His arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Of His promises remind you;
For life's upper garner bind you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Sicknesses and sorrows taking,
Never leaving or forsaking;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love's banner floating o'er you,
Strike death's threatening wave before you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Ended when for you earth's story,
Israel's chariot sweep to glory;
God be with you till we meet again.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pointing Fingers

This is something that has been on my mind a lot this week and I thought I would blog about it.

As with most all my posts...I tend to get a bit 'winded and long' so bare with me!!

When Cor first came to live with us the subtle finger pointing came from those whom I love the most! My dh would say "why can't you just love him, why can't you just not be so strict, why can't you do this...or that". He clearly did not see that "I" was not the problem. It was so hurtful to have my husband point the finger of blame to me. Cor loved it....he was the master of triangulation.

I've blogged before about how/when we found out about reactive attachment disorder by a flier that came home from kindergarten with Corry. How I contacted these non profit agency and for the first time I was validated in my feelings/thoughts ect ect. For the first time I was not to blame that this child was crapping in cupboards or pissing in toyboxes. Because ultimately....they got it. all I can say. Finally.... After some time my dh was able to get it and see that "I" was not really the one to blame. This is not to say that he changed his mindset right away. But...he did start to turn around.

Then there was my family and friends. My aunts who insisted on giving him hugs goodbye and when he popped them in the eye couldn't believe that I would just stand there. Little did they know it broke my heart. Inside my heart was screaming in pain - because knew what they were thinking and not saying. I saw it on their faces. I saw it on my mom's face. I heard my mom say the things she said....

It all came back to 'my parenting'. It all came back to me. It was my problem.

When Abi was born it was then blamed on me in a different aspect. Because I had this 'bio' child...I bonded with her and didn't with him. I was told by not very well meaning asshat psychiatrist that I spent to much time w/my baby and not my son. That because of this he resented me.

Holy crap...this kid was treating me this way BEFORE the baby came into the picture. He was shitting in places that children shouldn't be WAY BEFORE she came along.

We had one particular psychiatrist who really seemed to make it her mission to blame the adoptive mother. Since I'm the adoptive mother....I was obviously the target of her finger pointing. Since she was the only pediatric psychiatrist in our medical plan we had no choice but to use her.

Shortly before our therapist (who btw did not blame me. hehe) helped us find out of state theraputic respite I called the 'psychiatric on call #" one night. When I think about PTSD and how it can/will rear its ugly head...this is one of those "moments" that is a source of PTSD for me... My dh was working. He was not reachable at the hospital. He was not able to come home even if he was. My very good friend (who also 'got it' since she had a grandson w/minor RAD) was on her way to our home that night. It was "just another night" in the raging world of this child. I am not going to go into what 'happened' because it is quite hard for me to even think about. Anyway, when I called this oncall number - the dr that called me back - once again placed blame on me. I was calm, my son was not, it was clear that I had a child raging in the background. My friend M was there helping me. Her grandson was there playing w/Abi and keeping her 'safe' in my bedroom. (Because she became the center of Cor's rage and he was on a hell hath no furry to hurt that baby so that he could hurt me...)... This un-educated, un-carrying, asshat pychiatrist told me ( son is raging and it was very obvious on the phone..) that I NEEDED TO MAKE AN APPT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST....I NEEDED TO MAKE SURE I WAS SEEING A THERAPIST.... YEP....You got it...This person who DID NOT KNOW ME.....blames me!

This is/was the story of our life. It still is. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am not at fault. That I gave it my all. Yet...this is still deep seeded with in me. When I have moments/weeks/months of acceptance about all that has happened...I am able to remember this and be at peace.

Then there are moments like this week. Where we are told by a SW that the SW whom we dealt with during our blaming me. Not James. Not Cor. Not his bio parents/grandparents for physically and sexually abusing him. Big fat bold ME!!

Quite is really hard to swallow. No matter how long it has been. No matter how much at peace you become. No matter......NOTHING. It wipes it all away.

In the past I've let it consume me because I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying with all my might not to let this consume me. I'm trying very hard to take the high road and not let this get me down. But the reality is really hard. I'm fighting back tears. I'm fighting to keep my head above water.

I'm just so sick and tired of this. Recently I've thought about "who" I was before this experience. I don't regret for a moment having adopted Corry. I love him to death. I miss him so much. Yet, there are days, moments like this week..when the finger was pointed again at such a negative way and it is way to hard to swallow!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday, Monday...Just another Manic Monday...

Is that how the dang song goes? I just have the tune in my head. Don't know the words. I know that my Monday has been...a Manic...Monday!!!

First I had an 'issue' at work.  Rather large issue.  Well, it could have been.  Thankfully, my Heavenly Father saw fit to offer me some grace today.  Lots of sufficient grace!!  I was very nervous about my 'detour' that I had to go through. Because...well, I was.  I was afraid of screwing up. I was afraid of taking a wrong turn, getting stuck on a street with a 40,000 lb, 43 foot vehicle and be stuck....  I was so nervous that the dyslexia in me did what I was so nervous about - turned left instead of turning right....Because of where I ended up it could have been a much larger problem than it was.  I called on my phone in the bus. Was told "oh'...i think you have got yourself into a pickle and may not beable to get out'.  Well, I WILL get out...  LOL  Anyway, I was sweating it a bit.  But in the end it worked out.  The supervisor came and I followed him around to another street and it worked out.  Put me very late.  But it worked out in the end.  This was just the start of my very long and trying day.
Some other "things" that added to my Manic Monday.....
**Entertaining my 6 yr old all day because he couldn't go to school. I had a dr. appt and decided to not come home in between my bus routes. It is hard to entertain a very over active 6 yr old, hobbling along, in 30 degree temps, w/very little to no money....

**Had a recheck for the lump in my breast.  I decided to not inflict pain when there is no pain currently involved....thus I will not have it aspirated at this point. It is clearly a fluid filled cyst.
**Found out that our cat was readopted almost immediatly after we took her to A.nimart - she hated our dog and was way to stressed over him.  I feel good about her getting a new home so quickly.  Very good!!
**The HR person from my last job (at the clinic) emailed me.  "Gala, you want your job back?!?!?!?!?!?"   That was all it said.  I emailed back..."WHY?"  He emailed back "because......" and proceeded to tell me.    It is a big choice.  My heart is so conflicted right now.  OMGosh is it ever.  I love driving.  I love that Metro will 'always' be there.  I love the benefits.  I absolutely 110% hate that I am only part time. I can not support my family on only part time.  I can not support my family when there is no school and I dont' have to work.  I waited so long for this job (took nearly a year from the time I applied until I started).  I've worked so hard to keep this job. If I give it 6 months I decide I want to come back...there is no 'just going back."  Ihave to start ALL OVER.  I hate that I don't know when I will go full time.  The EARLIEST I will be promoted will be next summer.  Most likely...not until January 2010.  Could be sooner.  But it probably not be before that....  What do I do??  If I go back...I would have to take the insurance.  Yet, it really stinks....
OMGosh...I can't even begin to think about it.
**Long story dh went to an intro meeting for foster care last week.  He was told by the director that it was very 'unlikely' that we would be able to become certifiied due to our termination w/adopted son.  It wasn't for sure.  But it would make it very hard.  She said she would look into it.  I was very upset last week with this issue.  I had hope and realize 100% that "we" did all we could.  She looked in to it.  She called James back today.  The asshat social worker from I. County....well lets just say that if you are not familiar with short I will say that in a child with RAD... some of the time the well meaning, clueless, dumb, asshat people who become involved in your life (including some therapist and psychiatrist) blame everything on the ADOPTIVE MOTHER.  This time is no different.  In the eyes of this SW the other county told her that they 'proceeded w/a TPR" and it was because of me....  Yep...blame it all on me!!  Stupid S.O.B's!!  I have more to say.  However, it is just not productive.   Have you ever picked a scab and then poured salt on it?  If not...I don't suggest it.  How I'm feeling/thinking right exactly how that feels.  Not to good!!
**Realized today that maybe I need to try harder to implement some things into Bry's life and school life...He loves school.  He really missed not going to school.  I loved being with him.  However, I do love working. 
**I've gained way to much weight in the last 12 months, in the last 6 months, in the last 3 months.     It must come off!!!  I kid you not....come hell or high will come off!!
So there you have it. It is only a portion of my day.  There was/is some other things I've not highlighted.  However, I jsut don't have it in me tonight...I think I will be snuggling into my bed a little early tonight.  If I drank I would grab a bottle of wine and sleep my night away. 

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Bry Bry... (Be warned this may be long.)

I thought i would blog a bit about "Bry" more for my own sake to "think" over some of the "things" that may or may not be going on with him

When Bry was just over 2 yrs old the Family Practice Physician Assistant that I saw called me one night (from her home).  A few days earlier I had seen her for some reason or another.  I love Mary and miss her deeply.  She was always right on the money.  Why she wasn't a doctor is beyond me.  I know she was pationate about her work, I know she loved her patients, I know she saw my family, the crisis that we were in at that time and acted upon it.

It wasn't a very good time in our life.  Few months before both my dh and I had gastric bypass.  I had several 'issues' post operative that led me to be seen in her office many times.  Each time I had in tow a 2 yr old who was always crying.  If there was to much noise.  If there was to much 'movement and/or commotion'.  The crying never ceased to stop.  If it were just him and I at home - well it would stop.

Mary had tried telling me from time to time maybe we should have him evaluated.  I just thought it was due to the extreme stress going on in our life at that time.  This particular time when she called she says something like this...."Gala, I've been thinking a ton about you and the kids.  I'm concerned for each of you.  After thinking about it for a long time the last few days I decided to make a few appts for Bry and Ab...please (she must have said it 10 times) please...please...don't be mad at me.  If you don't want to keep the appts. you can cancel or let me know and I will cancel them for you..."  She made an appt for both of my children to see a pediatric neuro-psychologist and neurologist.  Ab was having some issues in school that seemed (still does at time) that she might have had an auditor.y proccessing disorder.  I keep the appts because well...there might be some hope after all right?

Well, what the neuro-psychologist said got the ball rolling.  He called the Birth to Three referral line while we sat in his office.  With in a few weeks we had Birth to Three coming in to evaluate.  We had all kinds of different things going into place.  Sensory Proccessing Disorder was most likely a definate and just observing him he could tell the tell tale signs/symptoms that he exhibited.  Because of his age it made it harder.  We saw the neurologist a few months later. She echoed everything the first doctor said and then some.  While in her office she just sat and watched this child and shook her head.  Saying "he has no sense of saftey boundry, no boundries about what is around will need to be very vigilant with him especiallyy during his younger years because he could get hurt...seriously hurt"...

Over the last few years we have implemented, tried, tested, ect ect many things that would/could help this child.  We have found the thiings that work and used them .  We have found what didn't work and said 'forget it'. 

The one key thing that I believe strongly in is the occupational therapy.  By the time Bry was just over 3 yrs old he had used ALL of the OT he could EVER use for our specific insurance. He had maxed out the 35 life time visits.  We were told "that's okay...he can get OT at school".

True - he does. However, nothing like he did at the clinic he used to go to (where I also used to work until last summer). 

He loves school.  Does as good as he can in school.  Last year at the beginning of the year we had some issues with biting.  I firmly told the principle to NOT CALL me again and tell me my son had bit someone when it was clear to me his IEP was not being followed.  My son had never in his life bit anyone and I found it very upsetting that he now goes to Kind. and starts biting.  IT was BS in my ever so humble opinion.  Interesting enough - Bry never bit anyone else again at school to this date.  hahaha....

It is clear to us that school on many levels is very good for Bry.  He loves children. He loves playing.  He seems to love learning. 

The part that is so hard is it is to much 'input' into his brain. 

Last May we had to have him re-eval'd by the neuro-psychologist in order to keep his IEP services. Because S.I.D. is not a dsm true dx... he 'dx him with something else'.  Was very very clear in his report to the school that this child does not, nor will he probably ever need medication. He creates enough natural stimulation on his own...  His dx is "ADHD sub-type secondary to severe sensory integration dysregulartion problems".  This was only because on the SID alone he would not have qualified for school services.  He fits the less than 10% of popluation who has ADHD as a secondary dx because of the sensory problems.  What does this mean...really....nothing. It means that I have a child who appears to the general person as being naugty, not listening, just being off the wall and crazy....

To me - it is frustrating and heart breaking all in one.  There are many days I don't know what to do becaus I'm so frustrated and get so mad.  Then I feel guilty because I know he can't help it.  One of the things that has been and still remains a huge issue is parking lots.  He bolts to the car or store w/o looking, never stops.  Time after time after time we have told him, grabbed hiim by the coat, yelled, scolded, taken away no avail.   Some days I 'm able to remember that htis is truly a problem and he needs lots of help and other days I just get pissed off because why did I just tell hiim to stay next to me and now he is 10 cars away running to our car int he cold, rainy dark night....

I know that these things happen a lot less when....
He has not been in school.
He has not been in a situation where his engine is already really high.
He is with just me or my dh...
and many other things.

Every day we pick up a chidl who is crying.  Well, now we dont' .  His babysitter does and he holds it together even while Luke is here w/them.  However, as soon as we get home from work and school - he lets out and it can go on forhours.  If w have to run to the store or go out to eat - most times at night it drives us very very batty because he is so off the wall, and/or crying or something.

I have thought that HS might be a good option fo rhim. I've doen research. I know there is a strong HS group in M where I live. i know that we could socialize in a good way and my  kid would learn so much.

The issue is-- I work. My dh goes to college, graduates in December and most likely will go back o work.  Part of me thinks that he...dh could realistically - HS Bry and it would be a great thing for both.

We ahve talked to his teachers.  They all say he is doing farily well.  Of course he doesn't cry at school because that is not cool....right?

This got a bit longer than planned.


Friday, November 7, 2008

Home school

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been very admant/against home schooling my children.  I feel very strongly that public school 'is' my relief, respite, is needed for my children.

I have great admiration and respect for mother/fathers who do home school their children.  I just have not felt that it was 'me'.  It didn't fit my children's personality. 

When Cor was with us I was thinking very strongly about it.  His therapist, teacher and other people in our life told us that "even though it would be great for would NOT be great for YOU or Abi..." it was in deed our only respite that we had from him.

That being said....

I'm strongly considering the thought of home schooling my 6 yr old.  I have not the slightest clue how, what, when, I would do it.  I work hours that are split shift and would need to figure out the logistics of it.  Heck - it probably wouldn't work at all.

What I know is....

Nearly every school day he comes home crying.  This has been going on now since his first day of Kindergarten last year.  We know have a babysitter that picks him up from school.  L does Bry's homework w/hiim.  We come home from work - we have tears.  Some nights not very many tears.  Other days so much so that i can't stand myself think.  Bedtime there are tears.  Every single day.  There are days that I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting it is to me.

I woke up Tuesday morning with this feeling in my heart that it is something I need to investigate.  Would homeschooling my boy help him?  Would it help me? 

What I know is...

When he is home alone all day w/his dad. No other stimulation.  No other things going on in his life.  Just quiet, calm, relaxing....

He does not cry.  He tolerates so much more.  He is a true delight to be around.  He can go to the store w/o melting down.  His speech fluency is normal. 

I have no clue what to do.  I don't even know where to start.  I just know that we need to fix something....and...what or how to do it I have no clue!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Deep Breathe In.....Deep Breathe Out...

I really don't know that I can go into detail right now.  My heart is really heavy.  My heart is really sad. I' angry - very angry.   If I didn't have a 'regular' head ache before this evening - I really have a stress, sad, grieving, anger head ache  now....

What I will I need some good vibes, thoughts, prayers sent my way. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday w/a few words....

I love you two so much!!

You both are the sunshine on my rainy days...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Healing Wounds

I belong to a 'considering disruption' yahoo group. This group is a list of parents who are either considering or have disrupted their adoption and/or foster-adopt placements.

There was a post from someone who mentioned that her foster-adopt daughter's sw have encouraged her and dh to visit daughter. She can't bring herself to do so. Yet, her dh wants to.

This is such a case by case, individual to individual, choice. Not every single mom (gonna talk from a mom perspective since I am the mom and author of this blog/post *grin*) can do this. I know that 24 months ago I would not have been able to visit my son. I know that 6 months ago I could not have visisted my son.

Could I today? Probably not. I dont' know. I've thought about it several times over the last few days as I read this post and tried to think about my own situation.

I will not forget what one of the last things he told his dad was. For a long time it haunted me. Because for a very long time I wanted nothing to do or say or think about this hole experience. He told his dad that "It is okay 6 yrs I'll be 18 and we can be together again". Sometimes I think about "in 4 yrs" what will happen. Will he seek us out. Will I want him to seek us out.

I really don't know. Again, this is such an individual personal choice to be made.

Right this very moment...I want to know that my son is doing okay. I want to know that he is progressing in school. He is growing into a young man. Prayerfully a sweet and loving young man. I want to know if he is doing okay. I want to know if he played football this fall. I want to know how tall he is.

Part of me thinks that having that chance to see him would give some closure. Then again, I think it would open up a huge wound that has taken a long time to heal. Like a scab that keeps getting broke open. How can it or will it heal if it keeps getting opened up. Yet, there are so many 'triggers' that open that wound up on a daily-weekly basis.