Healing Wounds

I belong to a 'considering disruption' yahoo group. This group is a list of parents who are either considering or have disrupted their adoption and/or foster-adopt placements.

There was a post from someone who mentioned that her foster-adopt daughter's sw have encouraged her and dh to visit daughter. She can't bring herself to do so. Yet, her dh wants to.

This is such a case by case, individual to individual, choice. Not every single mom (gonna talk from a mom perspective since I am the mom and author of this blog/post *grin*) can do this. I know that 24 months ago I would not have been able to visit my son. I know that 6 months ago I could not have visisted my son.

Could I today? Probably not. I dont' know. I've thought about it several times over the last few days as I read this post and tried to think about my own situation.

I will not forget what one of the last things he told his dad was. For a long time it haunted me. Because for a very long time I wanted nothing to do or say or think about this hole experience. He told his dad that "It is okay Dad...in 6 yrs I'll be 18 and we can be together again". Sometimes I think about "in 4 yrs" what will happen. Will he seek us out. Will I want him to seek us out.

I really don't know. Again, this is such an individual personal choice to be made.

Right now...in this very moment...I want to know that my son is doing okay. I want to know that he is progressing in school. He is growing into a young man. Prayerfully a sweet and loving young man. I want to know if he is doing okay. I want to know if he played football this fall. I want to know how tall he is.

Part of me thinks that having that chance to see him would give some closure. Then again, I think it would open up a huge wound that has taken a long time to heal. Like a scab that keeps getting broke open. How can it or will it heal if it keeps getting opened up. Yet, there are so many 'triggers' that open that wound up on a daily-weekly basis.