Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What's Your Purpose? I'm not so sure about mine?!?

This quote sums up how I am feeling as of late. It tells in one sentence something about me. Something about me that is struggling. It is why I started this blog...kind of. (more on that later, maybe)

"We write so we don't feel so alone"

I am not sure where that quote came from. I saw it on a 'quote website' and then somewhere else recently. I don't really care where I found it.

It sums up in a few words why I blog. Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do...ulitmately it is because I feel so d*mn alone in this journey. Because 2 yrs later...my son's name is never mentioned unless I am the one bringing it up. It isn't like I'm some sobbing maniac that can't bring up the her son...so why is it that not one of my family members...including my husband...ever seem to think about or mention Cor? Why is it?

It is this reason...that I blog. Because I am alone in this journey with in my own little world. Of course there are other reasons why. Hopefully, there is someone who may stumble upon this blog or my other blog and that person my relate. Maybe for a moment in their day...week...life they can not feel so alone. If that is the case...than I guess...my mission is accomplished.

I don't know many of my blog followers or if I have any. Sure there are a handfull. Sure I've read a few blogs and follow quite a few myself. I'm guessing that the several lurkers that I have on each of my blogs (I am able to track the ISP/City/States...but that is it) are fellow RAD parents, maybe LDS parents, a few friends....I don't really know.

There are many people - professionals - family members who don't really understand Reactive Attachment Disorder. Some might try. Some might try only because their profession says they must do so. Some just don't give a crap.

It was my experience as a RAD parent that most professionals just don't give a crap. They have the letters behind their names that say they actually paid a lot of money for a degree that should have taught them about what RAD really is.

The reality is unless you have lived one day in the life of a parent whose child struggles with RAD...you really can't understant. Sorry...but you can't. You might have tried...but you can't.

So much of my life was kept private. So much of the living hell was to painful to talk about. Of course family and the few friends that stuck around new that 'something' was wrong. It was really easy to blame the 18 mo. old baby who wouldn't even allow a stranger to look at her mommy let alone talk to her w/o screaming...it was easy to say "you are to spoiled, to spirited, your mommy nursed you waaayyyy tooooo long...." Little did they know that this baby was being terrorised. My own mother didn't even know the extreme problems w/in our life until after the first out of home placement. Not because I didn't try telling her. Because she was in denial, I was to strict, I didn't know how to parent this child....

So many people didn't think that things were all that bad because we kept it all together.... Man do I wish that was the case.

Then there is the "me" factor. What this hole experience did to me? Maybe I'll save that post for another day. Because in reality...right now...at this very moment...it is way to flippen painful to talk about.

I blog because when the days are dark....I know that I can write and in the end....it serves as some sort of therapy. Good or bad. Doesn't really matter.

I wish that during the time in our life that we were living this hell I would have had other RAD blogs to read. I wish that I would have had that support. To know that I am not alone.

It has only been recently that I've come across a blog or two of parents who have disrupted. Interesting fact - there is very little to no discussion about it. There is no talk about the extreme feelings of guilt, the extreme feelings of failure, the this...or that...that goes along with this.

Maybe I'm missing the faith piece...maybe it is because I'm not faithful enough, dont' have enough love for my father in heaven strewed about on my blog.....please don't take that comment wrong...I love reading faith filled blogs because it reinstates a little bit of what faith in my Father in Heaven I have left.

As you can probably tell...my heart is very heavy. My heart is weary. My heart is sad. My heart is missing my son more than anything the last few days. My heart is very lonely....

I blog...so I don't feel quite so alone.


Kath said...


For what it's worth, I think you did amazing. It took a lot of courage to make the decision to disrupt, to do what was right for you, your family, and also probably your son in the long run. And I'm sure your blog is probably helping a lot of lurkers who don't have the courage to come forward and blog their stories like you do.

Thank you for blogging your story. And for what it's worth, you have a friend here.


Story of our Life said...

Thanks for your sweet response and support.


farm lady said...

You are not alone.....but I think there are many who are like us and had to make that tough tough decision to disrupt. It's so hard.....it's harder to talk about it. I am so glad you did. I know I needed to hear from someone who had our situation. It makes it a little better when every therapist, caseworker, and relative think you are the problem. Hang in there!

Christine said...

Don't know you, but I'm parenting two RADishes ... and the one thing that I know for sure is that people just don't get it. I KNEW that we were adopting RAD, but for all the preparation - no one can understand how utterly exhausting it is to parent.

Story of our Life said...

Christine, not for sure but I think I might have read this quote on your blog...I just read your blog a few days ago. Seen it before but not for along time..