Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pointing Fingers

This is something that has been on my mind a lot this week and I thought I would blog about it.

As with most all my posts...I tend to get a bit 'winded and long' so bare with me!!

When Cor first came to live with us the subtle finger pointing came from those whom I love the most! My dh would say "why can't you just love him, why can't you just not be so strict, why can't you do this...or that". He clearly did not see that "I" was not the problem. It was so hurtful to have my husband point the finger of blame to me. Cor loved it....he was the master of triangulation.

I've blogged before about how/when we found out about reactive attachment disorder by a flier that came home from kindergarten with Corry. How I contacted these non profit agency and for the first time I was validated in my feelings/thoughts ect ect. For the first time I was not to blame that this child was crapping in cupboards or pissing in toyboxes. Because ultimately....they got it. all I can say. Finally.... After some time my dh was able to get it and see that "I" was not really the one to blame. This is not to say that he changed his mindset right away. But...he did start to turn around.

Then there was my family and friends. My aunts who insisted on giving him hugs goodbye and when he popped them in the eye couldn't believe that I would just stand there. Little did they know it broke my heart. Inside my heart was screaming in pain - because knew what they were thinking and not saying. I saw it on their faces. I saw it on my mom's face. I heard my mom say the things she said....

It all came back to 'my parenting'. It all came back to me. It was my problem.

When Abi was born it was then blamed on me in a different aspect. Because I had this 'bio' child...I bonded with her and didn't with him. I was told by not very well meaning asshat psychiatrist that I spent to much time w/my baby and not my son. That because of this he resented me.

Holy crap...this kid was treating me this way BEFORE the baby came into the picture. He was shitting in places that children shouldn't be WAY BEFORE she came along.

We had one particular psychiatrist who really seemed to make it her mission to blame the adoptive mother. Since I'm the adoptive mother....I was obviously the target of her finger pointing. Since she was the only pediatric psychiatrist in our medical plan we had no choice but to use her.

Shortly before our therapist (who btw did not blame me. hehe) helped us find out of state theraputic respite I called the 'psychiatric on call #" one night. When I think about PTSD and how it can/will rear its ugly head...this is one of those "moments" that is a source of PTSD for me... My dh was working. He was not reachable at the hospital. He was not able to come home even if he was. My very good friend (who also 'got it' since she had a grandson w/minor RAD) was on her way to our home that night. It was "just another night" in the raging world of this child. I am not going to go into what 'happened' because it is quite hard for me to even think about. Anyway, when I called this oncall number - the dr that called me back - once again placed blame on me. I was calm, my son was not, it was clear that I had a child raging in the background. My friend M was there helping me. Her grandson was there playing w/Abi and keeping her 'safe' in my bedroom. (Because she became the center of Cor's rage and he was on a hell hath no furry to hurt that baby so that he could hurt me...)... This un-educated, un-carrying, asshat pychiatrist told me ( son is raging and it was very obvious on the phone..) that I NEEDED TO MAKE AN APPT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST....I NEEDED TO MAKE SURE I WAS SEEING A THERAPIST.... YEP....You got it...This person who DID NOT KNOW ME.....blames me!

This is/was the story of our life. It still is. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am not at fault. That I gave it my all. Yet...this is still deep seeded with in me. When I have moments/weeks/months of acceptance about all that has happened...I am able to remember this and be at peace.

Then there are moments like this week. Where we are told by a SW that the SW whom we dealt with during our blaming me. Not James. Not Cor. Not his bio parents/grandparents for physically and sexually abusing him. Big fat bold ME!!

Quite is really hard to swallow. No matter how long it has been. No matter how much at peace you become. No matter......NOTHING. It wipes it all away.

In the past I've let it consume me because I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying with all my might not to let this consume me. I'm trying very hard to take the high road and not let this get me down. But the reality is really hard. I'm fighting back tears. I'm fighting to keep my head above water.

I'm just so sick and tired of this. Recently I've thought about "who" I was before this experience. I don't regret for a moment having adopted Corry. I love him to death. I miss him so much. Yet, there are days, moments like this week..when the finger was pointed again at such a negative way and it is way to hard to swallow!!


Brenda said...

I am so sorry for your pain. You are right that it is not your fault. There are not many who really understand life with a child with RAD. I hope you can find a way to deal with the pain in your heart and find some healing for yourself. You deserve it. (((((hugs)))))

The Bus Driver said...

RAD is so difficult to deal with. I've had limited experience with it as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) volunteer. I do know this. RAD is NOT your fault as the adoptive mother. RAD is the RESULT of the abandonment and neglect the child experienced. I know you know this. I pray for your strength.

farm lady said...

I know all about blame. The bio grandparents laid it on pretty thick, but I am working through forgiveness with them, even though they are not ready to forgive me for not keeping their grandchildren. It is easy for others to lay blame when they have not walked even an inch in your shoes. Many therapists, DFAC workers, guradian ad litems are still blaming me for things. I just keep praying for the kids and try to show the workers kindness so they can see who I really am. It is very easy for me to put my worst face forward when they start accusing me or things. I pray for you that you will be able to find a peace about it all.... I know I am still trying.