Wednesday, December 31, 2008


to add the photo montage. i forgot to add that at the bottom of the last post.

~~The Story of My Life...the First 15 Years~~

I hope and pray that the next 15 yrs of my life will be filled with the joy and love from my best friend as the last 15 years have been.

We have been so incredible blessed with 2 beautiful biological children. Children that we were told we would never be able to have w/o medical intervention.

There has been a really bumpy road that we have followed. In the end I can't help but think those really bumpy spots have only made our marriage that much stronger.

The Story of My Life started 15 years ago and continues today....

(click on each small picture in the montage to see it larger)

Click to play 15 Years  and Counting..
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

This Sucks!!

....regardless of what type of c.ancer it still has taken my breathe away.

For the last few weeks I've been told by my mom it was 'no big deal' and 'many men go threw this'. 

I reminded myself that my Great Grandfather went to Greece in 1974 (year I was born) for treatment.  He lived until October of 99...just after Abi was born.  P.rostate C.ancer is not what took him from this earth...he was 97 yrs old.  Bless his heart.

Last night my mom called me on her way home from work.  Dad will be having several other tests done this week.  He will then meet w/doctor(s) next Monday and Tuesday of next week to determine course of treatment and find out the extent.  He was having a bone scan and some other test I believe today.  Not sure what that was for. I just knew in my mom's voice there was discouragemnent and changed drastically from the last 2 weeks as she has told me he was having the biopsy and so forth.

For the last 29 yrs this man has been the only father I've known and will ever know....

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Coincidence...maybe...who knows!!

updated to add...(see bottom of post)

If you read my previous post you will have been able to gather that someone decided to be rather unfriendly by leaving a rather unfriendly, uneducated, un-everything you can think of comment.

it is not something that suprises me. Really, I can't see why it should. The ignorant and arrogant people who used to really bother me and would wear me down - I am going to choose to not let you do that.

You are not worth the emotion and energy it takes to respond to. I was going to post your comment here. Responding to bits and pieces of it.

As I've prayed and pondered this today - I have decided that I will not waste the negative energy and emotions it takes to do so.

I learned a while ago that it's not worth it to spend time and emotion and energy posting responses to the negative...and, while I may respond now and then in the comments sections, I from here on out will just delete and forget, delete and forget.

Since I don't believe that anything is coincidental, and because this week is going to be a crazy one...I've decided that the recent negativity is a good sign that I should take the week off from blogging here on this blog.

So, you might see one more fun post from me tonight or tomorrow or the next day, and then you probably won't hear from me again until after this coming weekend. Hopefully, when I do post again, it will be filled great news of a fun time with my children and the joy they experienced this Christmas.

Thanks to all of my great readers...the VAST majority of whom are always positive and encouraging. I hope this post comes across as un-negatively as possible, because I feel very positive right now. :)

And, enjoy your week away from me!

updated to add: during the next few days I will take the time to decide if this blog and/or my other blog will go private. I suggest that if you want to be a 'regular' reader you leave a comment. As of right now, it is very likely that it will be private - by doing so for those readers who are not 'blog savy' that means you will need to send me a request if you want to continue reading...

Private or Not


There are some people in this world who think they know everything.

Who think that because their shit doesn't stink they can/will try to bring others down.

Let me just tell you KAREN that you are a coward. That your shit does stink and I will NOT HAVE IT on my blog.

You will not bring me down...I refuse!!

Because of your own stupidity it is likely this blog will be private. Which - stinks because the real reason behind this blog was not only for myself but because there are other people out there who are struggling w/the same damn stuff that our family went through. By going private I will not hurt anyone but those parents who are searching and looking for some sort of "she gets it".

Obviously, YOU KAREN dont' get it.

I have pity for you. I really do. Your comment was deleted. However, I may just post it here for all to the stupidity and pure insanity that was listed. To take the time that you did...a hole 75 minutes to read this obviously don't get it and never will.

I know your ISP. I know your domain. I hope that you sleep well tonight!

Monday, December 22, 2008

When it Snows...

....I'll come back to get you!!

This is a comment that would come to not only haunt my dear Cor but our family during the years that Cor was w/our family.

Sometime the year before Cor came to live w/us his bm was sent to prison. I think it was around spring before he came to live with us his bm told him that she would "come to get you when it snows....".

Not only did this person whom I have no respect for abandon him....when it snowed on December 1st, 1994...but now she told him she would be back to get him...when it snowed.

Every year when it snowed our lives would be torn apart...

This year as it has snowed I have to say that it has affected me more than it ever did before. It has given me such a heavy heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Specially...when it snows.

I'll Love You Forever....

100th Post....I've been trying to think about "what" would be an appropriate "post" for my 100th post. Not like it really matters. Really...I'm not that kind of person. Then tonight when I went to my dashboard to 'post' my post for today...I saw that "this" would be my 100th post...

So here goes it.....

When Corry's adoption was final end of April 1999 we had a adoption party. It was a big party. There were MANY people who showed up that lovely day on May 4th. It was a day all about Corry. He receieved MANY MANY gifts. He received much love and welcome into our family.

There was one gift that really stuck out. I wish I could tell you where it is 'right now'. I have to say that I sadly may not still have it. I have done some things that I regret over the last few years during/after our disruption. Getting rid of 'stuff'....was one of those things. So who knows where this gift is...
Love You Forever.

My Aunt B wrote a very sweet note in this book. She gave "ME" this book. Do I ever wish I knew where it was this evening.
My Dearest Cor...
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
Love, Mom

Friday, December 19, 2008

Prayers Answered

We got our snow day alright.

All 10.3 inches and there is more where that came from...coming over the next day or two.

While it took me 2+ hours to snow blow our driveway and sidewalk...all I could think was "This is SOO much better than dealing with that garbage and stuff I dealt with yesterday".

My daughter is feeling better - much better. I gave in and let her play outside for about 30-45 minutes this afternoon w/her face covered.  She has had no fever and seems to be doing just fine. 

Thanks for your thoughts/prayers and emails...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

~Praying for a Snow Day~and~My daughter, too~

First and foremost....Ms. Ab needs all the prayers she can get.  She is one sick cookie right now.  She was given a shot of antibiotics today for s.trep throat and also was tested for influenza.  She has had a rather high temp since late last night/middle of the night.  She has had influenza before and had a false negative (long story).  She is really hurting and in so much more pain than what she has been in the past with 'just strep'. 

In normal circumstanced I would not be praying for a snow day.  However, this evening I am doing the snow day dance and prayer...over....and...over...and...over...and...over....

My lovely lurking readers....I had a really bad day.  Sure, I've had many bad days. 
My lovely lurking was by far one of the worst days that I've had in a long time.

I can not even begin to bare the thought of going to work tomorrow. 

I have the next 2 weeks off.  As I mentioned in a my wordless/pictureless wednesday is w/o pay.

This evening.....I....DO....NOT....CARE!!!

What happened this evening on my bus has left me shaken.  How I...a public official (since I am employed by the city)...was treated by another municpalities (sp) public official (aka...police officer) is not ok.   I can not really go into it right now because my own mental health just can't go there.  I just can't..I would give more 'info'. However, I've repeated what happend one to many times tonight. I will say that I am so greatful for my good friend Christine!!  She is such a doll and I love her to death. We don't have an open radio....we have phones that come into our bus, that we push and request to talk and/or push a button in an emergency to 'request to talk' or our '911' button.  I started w/the 'request to talk'.  I came very close to having to use the 'priority request' and then even closer to using the '911'.  For some reason my initial 'request to talk' came as an open line.  Christine was able to tell that I was having problems, she was able to hear the dispatch supv. dispatching police and any/all road supvs to my bus. She called me to make sure I was okay.  Had she called me "earlier" I would have probably broke down sobbing.  But, I didn't...I kept it together and she says as she hangs up "Do the snow and I'll say a prayer for you".  Thank you Christine!!

I really needed something to calm the nerves and upset that I had after getting off work tonight.  When I dropped the last of the kids I pulled over to a PDQ - went potty, sat in the bathroom trying very hard to not loose it, bought a hot chocolate, sat down on their chair and said "SCREEW....M.etro....I"M SITTING HERE and taking a break".  That I did. I was able to calm myself down and then get back in my bus w/o having the urge of running someone over....

I'm home...I'm safe...

Tomorrow is a new day.

There is a foot of snow in our forecast for tonight....

SNOW BABY SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

UGH I'm PO'd

I'm so po'd right now I can't even think straight...just need to vent for a quick second.

New kitten - Psychotic Kitten.
New Kitten - Kitten who will be looking for a new home soon if she doesn't shape the heck up.
Kitten is 6 mo. old and knows where the potty is.

I just caught her peeing on my dogs bed. Yesterday his 'towel' was wet and smelled like urine. He has pee'd on his bed before.  So James thought it was him. 

Nope...dumb @$$ Lily....

I grabbed her by the neck and went to stick her face in it and yell NO and she bit my finger and broke the skin.

OH Man am I EVER P.O.'d

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Patience...Please Send Some My Way...

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
By: Franklin P Jones
Today I've learned via my children and the child we do respite for that my patience is running very thin....
This weekend has proven to be a very long one....
One that I hope not to repeat anytime soon....

Friday, December 12, 2008

Favorite Foto Friday

I'm to lazy to cut and paste and fix...the post I just wrote on my other blog. see the Fav Foto Friday to "Story of My Life".

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Get your hot cocoa...

this might be long!!

***UPDATED at the BOTTOM of the POST!!!!****
I want to start by first saying that this might be long. I tend to ramble. I tend to go in circles. I tend to not make sense some days.

Today - might just be one of those days.

Recently, I read on another blog of a sweet mother whose 3 yr old, chronically ill adoptive daughter...this mom said she felt she was drowing. Lord, can I ever relate. Sure, not exactly in the way that she was/is drowning..but I've been recently as today...yesterday...and last week!!

Back to the beginning and then to where I am "today"...

I dont' remember if I put this in my first few posts on this blog or not. So here goes it.

When we adopted Cor we were very active in our religion. We were full tithe payers, held temple reccommends and visted as often as our life/jobs permitted, held callings in our church and were all around...very active members. Our testimony was very strong. Our faith was very strong.

There were moments that our faith and testimony waivered. We wanted a baby. We wanted to have a family. We begged and pleaded with the Lord. We did every single thing that we thought was right for us and was pleasing to our Father in Heaven.

When the opportunity to adopt Cor came along we knew that the Lord was hearing and answering our prayers. We decided from the very beginning that if I were to get pregnant before Cor was placed with us that we would not adopt him. (In reality he should have never been placed with us until after the TPR was final). This was what we had been told all along. We knew there were no guarantee's. We knew that after his placement..there were no guarantee's. Now...we also knew that it would take an act of God for him to be removed from our home and his BM getting custody again...but that was a different issue.

When I had not got pregnant. When we had exhausted all medical possibilities w/in our financial ability to conceive....we knew that this was meant to be.

We felt very strongly that our Father in Heaven was telling us that we were to adopt Cor.
That feeling was verified even more so after he was placed with us. I had not got pregnant. I still wanted a baby. But I had not got pregnant.

Here is a bit of a timeline....

October 15 1998 the BM's parental rights were terminated.
October 15, 1998 legal custody was given to LDS Social Services.
October 20, 1998 Cor was legally placed in our home with the intent of adoption.

rememer...I still wanted a baby. I still wanted more children.

November 4, 1998 I saw another new specialist. Five years and five infertility specialists later...I was told the exact same thing as the 4 previous times...You will not conceive naturally and if you do...the pregnancy may not be viable... Dang...I still remember that day. I still remember leaving that office as if a knife had just cut my heart. I went home and Cor was there. For a few moments all that hurt was taken away...and I was comforted by knowing that "I" had my little boy. This is what I had prayed for. My Father in Heaven saw fit to place this little boy in my arms and I would be his mommy...forever!! Little did this dr. know that a few short weeks later he would be seeing me an emergency...

December 1, 1998 I saw my PCP-PA. I had only seen her 1 other time as we had a new insurance company and doctors. Penny would become a very sweet and dear woman in my life for years to come. I had been having cramps and spotting for several weeks (before 11/4). I was 2 weeks late getting my period according to the "fertility" world. However, I usually had 5-6 week cycles so this didnt' mean anything to me. The nurse insisted on doing a pregnancy test. I insisted she not. She won. Fast forward about 30 minutes or more...Penny had did her thing. Decided that I needed to have an endometrial biopsy and was quite certain that I had ovarian cysts about to rupture. She wanted me to have an U/S with in a week or two and than we would go from there. As she gave me my the dates/times of my appt the nurse knocked on the door. With a very perplexed look on her face. (One that I will NEVER forget). She handed Penny a piece of paper and left the room. She sat there for a moment. Tears filling her eyes. "Gala....(long pause)'re....(even longer pause)....pregnant...." The next few hours would be a blur. As I sat there crying and being comforted at the same time I could tell that it wasn't good. Something wasn't quite right...or was it". She told me that she needed to make a phone call to the specialist that I just saw. Which she did. I heard every single word of that conversation and I knew it wasn't good. She sent me home to get my dh and then off to a the clinic for an u/s.

(This is getting long) Basically...for the first 2 weeks that I 'knew' I was pregnant. I also knew that at any single moment that my dr would decide to do surgery and I would no longer be pregnant. You see...the fetus was not showing up on the u/s. I did have a 'fetus like formation' in one of my tube. Two weeks later....we saw a heartbeat. We saw our piece of rice. We saw our now beautiful 9 yr old daughter...

This young lady was conceived....between 10/25 and 11/1 just days after the TPR, just days after the legal placement....I was actually pg when I first saw this OB.

We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cor was to be in our home. We followed our 'deal' so to speak and since I did not get pregnant before Cor was placed with us....he was to stay in our home. We were his parents. He had a baby brother/sister on the way.

Fast forward to the last few years/know. As I mentioned above we were very active in our beliefs and knew that our Father in Heaven led us in this direction.

Yet, here I sit....10 yrs later and this child is no longer mine.

I've lost nearly all of my faith in the priesthood leaders of my church. Ultimately, it was a few of these leaders who did things that were not ethicical, Christ-like - who ended up hurting my family in the end.

To say that I am mad at my Father in Heaven would probably be an under statement.

To say that I am mad at myself for not following my gut and instead following the teachings and the guidance of my leaders and continuing on with something that I knew in my heart needed to change is an under statement.

To say that I'm just plain angry would be an under statement.

I'm not saying by any means that I don't believe...
I'm not saying by any means that I dont' have a fierce and undying love for my Father in Heaven...I do.

I'm angry and for today and for tmw and for whomever knows how long...I've got to figure it out.

I've been told that I need to "deal with this anger" and make it productive. As I've blogged before about some of my thoughts around this will not happen. I am not even close to being able to pass the required math class in order to get into a 4 yr college. So now...I'm back to square one.

I've had people tell me things that I should do...I am just not thinking it is me. Breaking a dozen eggs or breaking something else...I dont' see that as being beneficial.

I'm holding on by one small piece of driftwood right now...

if you got this far...bless you. I don't really know that there is any real reason behind this post. Other than to say...that I'm pissed off, angry, and that is that....

**updated to add...
Even though I'm not really feeling better. I am. After I posted this I went to my college email/web page. I realized that ALL 12 credits I enrolled in last week for the spring semester DID NOT get submitted!!! I dont' plan on going 12 credits..only 6. However, I registered for "more" and can always drop after I decide what to do. Needless to say all the classes were now full. I sat here crying. Once again feeling like such a dang failure. I've struggled w/every aspect of this 'college crap'. My dh said something really stupid. i then got p'd off and left for work. In the process of doing that my shoe zipper got it became a dog shoe and I threw it across the room. I got in my car and sat there (freezing I might add) and sobbed...I cried all the way to the store, all threw the store, and all the way to work.

Nothing has changed...but that good cry helped...kind of. Maybe that is what I need to do...just cry more. Ya, think? I don't!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday
Gala Style...
Always w/a few words!!I miss you so much!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It did my heart some good... have a nice, long talk w/someone who 'gets it'.

She does so on a level that she is currently living w/her child who not only has significant health issues but also the other gament of attachment disorder stuff.

Even though it was mainly about the upcoming weekend and the issues at hand w/her child. It was comforting to know that on many levels she understands. She knows. She is currently living it.

There is good in this relationship. I've taken a hit from some well meaning people that doiong respite for this little girl might not be in my best interest. Interestingly a odd kind of way it is theraputic.

Here's a (((HUG))) for this special mom!! And a great big THANK YOU for listening to my rants at the same time!!

Wordless Wednesday

only...I'm going to add some words. :)

On Sunday evening when we got out some of the holiday decorations when I came across one of Corry's stockings it was a real smack in the face. More than I was really prepared for at that moment. Isn't this what happens with situations like this?? I think so...hits you when you least expect it!!

On Monday night the kids were adament that we decorate our tree. I had every intention on doing it after I came home from work. I actually, was hoping to get the stuff out during the day and then work on stuff that evening. Instead - life has got in the way. SO far the onlly thing that has made it way up stairs out of storage is the tree, its decorations, a tall wooden snowman and the stockings.

Anyway, Bry and Ab were really wanting to decorate the tree. We have a 'lil' tradition. Only this year mom was stressed. Mom was crabby. Mom was really struggling. Daddy put the ribbon on. Mommy untangled the beads (they were new from a few years ago...) and Ab helped daddy put up some bows. Then the kids did the decorations. It wasn't a very 'peaceful' portion of our day. I wasn't the most pleasant person. I was annoyed at how rowdy, over stimulated from being at school all dday 6 yr old was...and I snapped. I told him that if I had to yell, scold, ect anymore that I would drop what was in my hand, pick up my coat and keys and leave. I meant every single word of it. It just was marred by something that is sooo incredible hard to accept this time of year....

That "something" shows to me in the picture above....

My children know how important it was to me to get a good picture. My daughter, bless her sweet little heart....she did so well. She tried so hard. She was such a pretty, posing, smiling young lady and it shows in her picture. She REALLY knew that mom's heart needed for her to be cooperative.

Even though I look at this picture and think that something/someone is missing....

I see 2 beautiful, full of life, young people. Whom I love dearly love. I find myself wordless many different times when I look at these 2...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

20/20 Special - Failed International Adoptions

I've heard a great deal via the blog world, the yahoo group I am a member of and a few other emails that have come my way.

I have not watched the program. Nor will I. Yesterday, I was somewhat tempted. I even went as far as finding a link online to watch it.

Then something came over me that said "Gala do not watch don't need to..."

The more I've thought about that..the more I realized that "yes, indeed it would have been a waste of my time watching it."

I didn't have a failed International Adoption.

Instead it was a failed USA (AKA Domestic) Adoption....

I decided that there was no need to watch it because what would the purpose be? As usual the media can/does twist and turn things to look the opposite of what it should be. As usual a subject of this matter can not nor should be addressed in a ONE HOUR SHOW!!!

There is SOOO much more than the actual 45 min. of air time.

I did watch the trailer of this segment. It was very disturbing to me that they used the video from when the children had only been home a week. My heaven...that is to be expected. They left everything, everyone, every scent, every taste, the sunlight, the moonlight...their EVERYTHING ended!! They were only home one week. I am in NO way diminishing what was happening to thsi family (the parents)...but at one week home, come on!!

The other reason I didn't watch it...because I just can not.

Sure the holiday's are hard for our kiddos whom are adopted.

Just as hard for the momma's who no longer have their kiddos to hold and love.

Just as hard....

and right now I'm struggling, too!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

There it was....

in a box....
in a bag....

with his name on it....

Nothing like taking away the moment.....
Nothing like taking away the holiday spirit as you decorate...

than to find a stocking that you thought you had sent the social 2 yrs ago....

Only to find it 2 yrs later...

My heart truly sunk this evening as I was getting a few of the Christmas decorations out.  Looking in some boxes in the basement, preparing to bring them upstairs, finding Cor's stocking.

I stood there for a second.  Speechless - VERY speechless.  I said "I could have sworn I sent this to him...." I said it over and over.  My dh than said 'no you said you were not sending hiim anything. that it was your stuff. not his baby pictures. not his stocking. not his anything" (jerk).  I reminded him that I DID SEND his stocking to him.  I then realized it was a 'different' stocking. Not sure when/where it came from.  However, it wasn't the one that matched the rest from Lands End stockings that we have.  In the same bag was Ab's First Christmas stocking.

It just took away my gusto.  I have not wanted to decorate.  I've not wanted to get out the stockings because our P.E.A.C.E. stocking holder hasn't been replaced to fit a family of 4 instead of a family of 5 like we once were.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What's Your Purpose? I'm not so sure about mine?!?

This quote sums up how I am feeling as of late. It tells in one sentence something about me. Something about me that is struggling. It is why I started this blog...kind of. (more on that later, maybe)

"We write so we don't feel so alone"

I am not sure where that quote came from. I saw it on a 'quote website' and then somewhere else recently. I don't really care where I found it.

It sums up in a few words why I blog. Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do...ulitmately it is because I feel so d*mn alone in this journey. Because 2 yrs son's name is never mentioned unless I am the one bringing it up. It isn't like I'm some sobbing maniac that can't bring up the her why is it that not one of my family members...including my husband...ever seem to think about or mention Cor? Why is it?

It is this reason...that I blog. Because I am alone in this journey with in my own little world. Of course there are other reasons why. Hopefully, there is someone who may stumble upon this blog or my other blog and that person my relate. Maybe for a moment in their they can not feel so alone. If that is the case...than I mission is accomplished.

I don't know many of my blog followers or if I have any. Sure there are a handfull. Sure I've read a few blogs and follow quite a few myself. I'm guessing that the several lurkers that I have on each of my blogs (I am able to track the ISP/City/States...but that is it) are fellow RAD parents, maybe LDS parents, a few friends....I don't really know.

There are many people - professionals - family members who don't really understand Reactive Attachment Disorder. Some might try. Some might try only because their profession says they must do so. Some just don't give a crap.

It was my experience as a RAD parent that most professionals just don't give a crap. They have the letters behind their names that say they actually paid a lot of money for a degree that should have taught them about what RAD really is.

The reality is unless you have lived one day in the life of a parent whose child struggles with really can't understant. Sorry...but you can't. You might have tried...but you can't.

So much of my life was kept private. So much of the living hell was to painful to talk about. Of course family and the few friends that stuck around new that 'something' was wrong. It was really easy to blame the 18 mo. old baby who wouldn't even allow a stranger to look at her mommy let alone talk to her w/o was easy to say "you are to spoiled, to spirited, your mommy nursed you waaayyyy tooooo long...." Little did they know that this baby was being terrorised. My own mother didn't even know the extreme problems w/in our life until after the first out of home placement. Not because I didn't try telling her. Because she was in denial, I was to strict, I didn't know how to parent this child....

So many people didn't think that things were all that bad because we kept it all together.... Man do I wish that was the case.

Then there is the "me" factor. What this hole experience did to me? Maybe I'll save that post for another day. Because in reality...right this very is way to flippen painful to talk about.

I blog because when the days are dark....I know that I can write and in the serves as some sort of therapy. Good or bad. Doesn't really matter.

I wish that during the time in our life that we were living this hell I would have had other RAD blogs to read. I wish that I would have had that support. To know that I am not alone.

It has only been recently that I've come across a blog or two of parents who have disrupted. Interesting fact - there is very little to no discussion about it. There is no talk about the extreme feelings of guilt, the extreme feelings of failure, the this...or that...that goes along with this.

Maybe I'm missing the faith piece...maybe it is because I'm not faithful enough, dont' have enough love for my father in heaven strewed about on my blog.....please don't take that comment wrong...I love reading faith filled blogs because it reinstates a little bit of what faith in my Father in Heaven I have left.

As you can probably heart is very heavy. My heart is weary. My heart is sad. My heart is missing my son more than anything the last few days. My heart is very lonely....

I I don't feel quite so alone.

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Dear Grandma....God Be With You Till We Meet Again...

To My Dearest Grandma (and Abi and Bry's Great Grandma...),
No other thoughts or words right now.......

God be with you till we meet again;
By His counsels guide, uphold you,
With His sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till we meet again.


Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus' feet;
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
Neath His wings protecting hide you;
Daily manna still provide you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
With the oil of joy anoint you;
Sacred ministries appoint you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
When life's perils thick confound you;
Put His arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Of His promises remind you;
For life's upper garner bind you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Sicknesses and sorrows taking,
Never leaving or forsaking;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love's banner floating o'er you,
Strike death's threatening wave before you;
God be with you till we meet again.


God be with you till we meet again;
Ended when for you earth's story,
Israel's chariot sweep to glory;
God be with you till we meet again.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pointing Fingers

This is something that has been on my mind a lot this week and I thought I would blog about it.

As with most all my posts...I tend to get a bit 'winded and long' so bare with me!!

When Cor first came to live with us the subtle finger pointing came from those whom I love the most! My dh would say "why can't you just love him, why can't you just not be so strict, why can't you do this...or that". He clearly did not see that "I" was not the problem. It was so hurtful to have my husband point the finger of blame to me. Cor loved it....he was the master of triangulation.

I've blogged before about how/when we found out about reactive attachment disorder by a flier that came home from kindergarten with Corry. How I contacted these non profit agency and for the first time I was validated in my feelings/thoughts ect ect. For the first time I was not to blame that this child was crapping in cupboards or pissing in toyboxes. Because ultimately....they got it. all I can say. Finally.... After some time my dh was able to get it and see that "I" was not really the one to blame. This is not to say that he changed his mindset right away. But...he did start to turn around.

Then there was my family and friends. My aunts who insisted on giving him hugs goodbye and when he popped them in the eye couldn't believe that I would just stand there. Little did they know it broke my heart. Inside my heart was screaming in pain - because knew what they were thinking and not saying. I saw it on their faces. I saw it on my mom's face. I heard my mom say the things she said....

It all came back to 'my parenting'. It all came back to me. It was my problem.

When Abi was born it was then blamed on me in a different aspect. Because I had this 'bio' child...I bonded with her and didn't with him. I was told by not very well meaning asshat psychiatrist that I spent to much time w/my baby and not my son. That because of this he resented me.

Holy crap...this kid was treating me this way BEFORE the baby came into the picture. He was shitting in places that children shouldn't be WAY BEFORE she came along.

We had one particular psychiatrist who really seemed to make it her mission to blame the adoptive mother. Since I'm the adoptive mother....I was obviously the target of her finger pointing. Since she was the only pediatric psychiatrist in our medical plan we had no choice but to use her.

Shortly before our therapist (who btw did not blame me. hehe) helped us find out of state theraputic respite I called the 'psychiatric on call #" one night. When I think about PTSD and how it can/will rear its ugly head...this is one of those "moments" that is a source of PTSD for me... My dh was working. He was not reachable at the hospital. He was not able to come home even if he was. My very good friend (who also 'got it' since she had a grandson w/minor RAD) was on her way to our home that night. It was "just another night" in the raging world of this child. I am not going to go into what 'happened' because it is quite hard for me to even think about. Anyway, when I called this oncall number - the dr that called me back - once again placed blame on me. I was calm, my son was not, it was clear that I had a child raging in the background. My friend M was there helping me. Her grandson was there playing w/Abi and keeping her 'safe' in my bedroom. (Because she became the center of Cor's rage and he was on a hell hath no furry to hurt that baby so that he could hurt me...)... This un-educated, un-carrying, asshat pychiatrist told me ( son is raging and it was very obvious on the phone..) that I NEEDED TO MAKE AN APPT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST....I NEEDED TO MAKE SURE I WAS SEEING A THERAPIST.... YEP....You got it...This person who DID NOT KNOW ME.....blames me!

This is/was the story of our life. It still is. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am not at fault. That I gave it my all. Yet...this is still deep seeded with in me. When I have moments/weeks/months of acceptance about all that has happened...I am able to remember this and be at peace.

Then there are moments like this week. Where we are told by a SW that the SW whom we dealt with during our blaming me. Not James. Not Cor. Not his bio parents/grandparents for physically and sexually abusing him. Big fat bold ME!!

Quite is really hard to swallow. No matter how long it has been. No matter how much at peace you become. No matter......NOTHING. It wipes it all away.

In the past I've let it consume me because I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying with all my might not to let this consume me. I'm trying very hard to take the high road and not let this get me down. But the reality is really hard. I'm fighting back tears. I'm fighting to keep my head above water.

I'm just so sick and tired of this. Recently I've thought about "who" I was before this experience. I don't regret for a moment having adopted Corry. I love him to death. I miss him so much. Yet, there are days, moments like this week..when the finger was pointed again at such a negative way and it is way to hard to swallow!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday, Monday...Just another Manic Monday...

Is that how the dang song goes? I just have the tune in my head. Don't know the words. I know that my Monday has been...a Manic...Monday!!!

First I had an 'issue' at work.  Rather large issue.  Well, it could have been.  Thankfully, my Heavenly Father saw fit to offer me some grace today.  Lots of sufficient grace!!  I was very nervous about my 'detour' that I had to go through. Because...well, I was.  I was afraid of screwing up. I was afraid of taking a wrong turn, getting stuck on a street with a 40,000 lb, 43 foot vehicle and be stuck....  I was so nervous that the dyslexia in me did what I was so nervous about - turned left instead of turning right....Because of where I ended up it could have been a much larger problem than it was.  I called on my phone in the bus. Was told "oh'...i think you have got yourself into a pickle and may not beable to get out'.  Well, I WILL get out...  LOL  Anyway, I was sweating it a bit.  But in the end it worked out.  The supervisor came and I followed him around to another street and it worked out.  Put me very late.  But it worked out in the end.  This was just the start of my very long and trying day.
Some other "things" that added to my Manic Monday.....
**Entertaining my 6 yr old all day because he couldn't go to school. I had a dr. appt and decided to not come home in between my bus routes. It is hard to entertain a very over active 6 yr old, hobbling along, in 30 degree temps, w/very little to no money....

**Had a recheck for the lump in my breast.  I decided to not inflict pain when there is no pain currently involved....thus I will not have it aspirated at this point. It is clearly a fluid filled cyst.
**Found out that our cat was readopted almost immediatly after we took her to A.nimart - she hated our dog and was way to stressed over him.  I feel good about her getting a new home so quickly.  Very good!!
**The HR person from my last job (at the clinic) emailed me.  "Gala, you want your job back?!?!?!?!?!?"   That was all it said.  I emailed back..."WHY?"  He emailed back "because......" and proceeded to tell me.    It is a big choice.  My heart is so conflicted right now.  OMGosh is it ever.  I love driving.  I love that Metro will 'always' be there.  I love the benefits.  I absolutely 110% hate that I am only part time. I can not support my family on only part time.  I can not support my family when there is no school and I dont' have to work.  I waited so long for this job (took nearly a year from the time I applied until I started).  I've worked so hard to keep this job. If I give it 6 months I decide I want to come back...there is no 'just going back."  Ihave to start ALL OVER.  I hate that I don't know when I will go full time.  The EARLIEST I will be promoted will be next summer.  Most likely...not until January 2010.  Could be sooner.  But it probably not be before that....  What do I do??  If I go back...I would have to take the insurance.  Yet, it really stinks....
OMGosh...I can't even begin to think about it.
**Long story dh went to an intro meeting for foster care last week.  He was told by the director that it was very 'unlikely' that we would be able to become certifiied due to our termination w/adopted son.  It wasn't for sure.  But it would make it very hard.  She said she would look into it.  I was very upset last week with this issue.  I had hope and realize 100% that "we" did all we could.  She looked in to it.  She called James back today.  The asshat social worker from I. County....well lets just say that if you are not familiar with short I will say that in a child with RAD... some of the time the well meaning, clueless, dumb, asshat people who become involved in your life (including some therapist and psychiatrist) blame everything on the ADOPTIVE MOTHER.  This time is no different.  In the eyes of this SW the other county told her that they 'proceeded w/a TPR" and it was because of me....  Yep...blame it all on me!!  Stupid S.O.B's!!  I have more to say.  However, it is just not productive.   Have you ever picked a scab and then poured salt on it?  If not...I don't suggest it.  How I'm feeling/thinking right exactly how that feels.  Not to good!!
**Realized today that maybe I need to try harder to implement some things into Bry's life and school life...He loves school.  He really missed not going to school.  I loved being with him.  However, I do love working. 
**I've gained way to much weight in the last 12 months, in the last 6 months, in the last 3 months.     It must come off!!!  I kid you not....come hell or high will come off!!
So there you have it. It is only a portion of my day.  There was/is some other things I've not highlighted.  However, I jsut don't have it in me tonight...I think I will be snuggling into my bed a little early tonight.  If I drank I would grab a bottle of wine and sleep my night away. 

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Bry Bry... (Be warned this may be long.)

I thought i would blog a bit about "Bry" more for my own sake to "think" over some of the "things" that may or may not be going on with him

When Bry was just over 2 yrs old the Family Practice Physician Assistant that I saw called me one night (from her home).  A few days earlier I had seen her for some reason or another.  I love Mary and miss her deeply.  She was always right on the money.  Why she wasn't a doctor is beyond me.  I know she was pationate about her work, I know she loved her patients, I know she saw my family, the crisis that we were in at that time and acted upon it.

It wasn't a very good time in our life.  Few months before both my dh and I had gastric bypass.  I had several 'issues' post operative that led me to be seen in her office many times.  Each time I had in tow a 2 yr old who was always crying.  If there was to much noise.  If there was to much 'movement and/or commotion'.  The crying never ceased to stop.  If it were just him and I at home - well it would stop.

Mary had tried telling me from time to time maybe we should have him evaluated.  I just thought it was due to the extreme stress going on in our life at that time.  This particular time when she called she says something like this...."Gala, I've been thinking a ton about you and the kids.  I'm concerned for each of you.  After thinking about it for a long time the last few days I decided to make a few appts for Bry and Ab...please (she must have said it 10 times) please...please...don't be mad at me.  If you don't want to keep the appts. you can cancel or let me know and I will cancel them for you..."  She made an appt for both of my children to see a pediatric neuro-psychologist and neurologist.  Ab was having some issues in school that seemed (still does at time) that she might have had an auditor.y proccessing disorder.  I keep the appts because well...there might be some hope after all right?

Well, what the neuro-psychologist said got the ball rolling.  He called the Birth to Three referral line while we sat in his office.  With in a few weeks we had Birth to Three coming in to evaluate.  We had all kinds of different things going into place.  Sensory Proccessing Disorder was most likely a definate and just observing him he could tell the tell tale signs/symptoms that he exhibited.  Because of his age it made it harder.  We saw the neurologist a few months later. She echoed everything the first doctor said and then some.  While in her office she just sat and watched this child and shook her head.  Saying "he has no sense of saftey boundry, no boundries about what is around will need to be very vigilant with him especiallyy during his younger years because he could get hurt...seriously hurt"...

Over the last few years we have implemented, tried, tested, ect ect many things that would/could help this child.  We have found the thiings that work and used them .  We have found what didn't work and said 'forget it'. 

The one key thing that I believe strongly in is the occupational therapy.  By the time Bry was just over 3 yrs old he had used ALL of the OT he could EVER use for our specific insurance. He had maxed out the 35 life time visits.  We were told "that's okay...he can get OT at school".

True - he does. However, nothing like he did at the clinic he used to go to (where I also used to work until last summer). 

He loves school.  Does as good as he can in school.  Last year at the beginning of the year we had some issues with biting.  I firmly told the principle to NOT CALL me again and tell me my son had bit someone when it was clear to me his IEP was not being followed.  My son had never in his life bit anyone and I found it very upsetting that he now goes to Kind. and starts biting.  IT was BS in my ever so humble opinion.  Interesting enough - Bry never bit anyone else again at school to this date.  hahaha....

It is clear to us that school on many levels is very good for Bry.  He loves children. He loves playing.  He seems to love learning. 

The part that is so hard is it is to much 'input' into his brain. 

Last May we had to have him re-eval'd by the neuro-psychologist in order to keep his IEP services. Because S.I.D. is not a dsm true dx... he 'dx him with something else'.  Was very very clear in his report to the school that this child does not, nor will he probably ever need medication. He creates enough natural stimulation on his own...  His dx is "ADHD sub-type secondary to severe sensory integration dysregulartion problems".  This was only because on the SID alone he would not have qualified for school services.  He fits the less than 10% of popluation who has ADHD as a secondary dx because of the sensory problems.  What does this mean...really....nothing. It means that I have a child who appears to the general person as being naugty, not listening, just being off the wall and crazy....

To me - it is frustrating and heart breaking all in one.  There are many days I don't know what to do becaus I'm so frustrated and get so mad.  Then I feel guilty because I know he can't help it.  One of the things that has been and still remains a huge issue is parking lots.  He bolts to the car or store w/o looking, never stops.  Time after time after time we have told him, grabbed hiim by the coat, yelled, scolded, taken away no avail.   Some days I 'm able to remember that htis is truly a problem and he needs lots of help and other days I just get pissed off because why did I just tell hiim to stay next to me and now he is 10 cars away running to our car int he cold, rainy dark night....

I know that these things happen a lot less when....
He has not been in school.
He has not been in a situation where his engine is already really high.
He is with just me or my dh...
and many other things.

Every day we pick up a chidl who is crying.  Well, now we dont' .  His babysitter does and he holds it together even while Luke is here w/them.  However, as soon as we get home from work and school - he lets out and it can go on forhours.  If w have to run to the store or go out to eat - most times at night it drives us very very batty because he is so off the wall, and/or crying or something.

I have thought that HS might be a good option fo rhim. I've doen research. I know there is a strong HS group in M where I live. i know that we could socialize in a good way and my  kid would learn so much.

The issue is-- I work. My dh goes to college, graduates in December and most likely will go back o work.  Part of me thinks that he...dh could realistically - HS Bry and it would be a great thing for both.

We ahve talked to his teachers.  They all say he is doing farily well.  Of course he doesn't cry at school because that is not cool....right?

This got a bit longer than planned.


Friday, November 7, 2008

Home school

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been very admant/against home schooling my children.  I feel very strongly that public school 'is' my relief, respite, is needed for my children.

I have great admiration and respect for mother/fathers who do home school their children.  I just have not felt that it was 'me'.  It didn't fit my children's personality. 

When Cor was with us I was thinking very strongly about it.  His therapist, teacher and other people in our life told us that "even though it would be great for would NOT be great for YOU or Abi..." it was in deed our only respite that we had from him.

That being said....

I'm strongly considering the thought of home schooling my 6 yr old.  I have not the slightest clue how, what, when, I would do it.  I work hours that are split shift and would need to figure out the logistics of it.  Heck - it probably wouldn't work at all.

What I know is....

Nearly every school day he comes home crying.  This has been going on now since his first day of Kindergarten last year.  We know have a babysitter that picks him up from school.  L does Bry's homework w/hiim.  We come home from work - we have tears.  Some nights not very many tears.  Other days so much so that i can't stand myself think.  Bedtime there are tears.  Every single day.  There are days that I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting it is to me.

I woke up Tuesday morning with this feeling in my heart that it is something I need to investigate.  Would homeschooling my boy help him?  Would it help me? 

What I know is...

When he is home alone all day w/his dad. No other stimulation.  No other things going on in his life.  Just quiet, calm, relaxing....

He does not cry.  He tolerates so much more.  He is a true delight to be around.  He can go to the store w/o melting down.  His speech fluency is normal. 

I have no clue what to do.  I don't even know where to start.  I just know that we need to fix something....and...what or how to do it I have no clue!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Deep Breathe In.....Deep Breathe Out...

I really don't know that I can go into detail right now.  My heart is really heavy.  My heart is really sad. I' angry - very angry.   If I didn't have a 'regular' head ache before this evening - I really have a stress, sad, grieving, anger head ache  now....

What I will I need some good vibes, thoughts, prayers sent my way. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday w/a few words....

I love you two so much!!

You both are the sunshine on my rainy days...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Healing Wounds

I belong to a 'considering disruption' yahoo group. This group is a list of parents who are either considering or have disrupted their adoption and/or foster-adopt placements.

There was a post from someone who mentioned that her foster-adopt daughter's sw have encouraged her and dh to visit daughter. She can't bring herself to do so. Yet, her dh wants to.

This is such a case by case, individual to individual, choice. Not every single mom (gonna talk from a mom perspective since I am the mom and author of this blog/post *grin*) can do this. I know that 24 months ago I would not have been able to visit my son. I know that 6 months ago I could not have visisted my son.

Could I today? Probably not. I dont' know. I've thought about it several times over the last few days as I read this post and tried to think about my own situation.

I will not forget what one of the last things he told his dad was. For a long time it haunted me. Because for a very long time I wanted nothing to do or say or think about this hole experience. He told his dad that "It is okay 6 yrs I'll be 18 and we can be together again". Sometimes I think about "in 4 yrs" what will happen. Will he seek us out. Will I want him to seek us out.

I really don't know. Again, this is such an individual personal choice to be made.

Right this very moment...I want to know that my son is doing okay. I want to know that he is progressing in school. He is growing into a young man. Prayerfully a sweet and loving young man. I want to know if he is doing okay. I want to know if he played football this fall. I want to know how tall he is.

Part of me thinks that having that chance to see him would give some closure. Then again, I think it would open up a huge wound that has taken a long time to heal. Like a scab that keeps getting broke open. How can it or will it heal if it keeps getting opened up. Yet, there are so many 'triggers' that open that wound up on a daily-weekly basis.

Friday, October 31, 2008

More on Post from Wednesday...

Few days ago I posted about a situation I came across while working.  It was something that made my heart sink.  Really sink.  I can't even begin to describe the thoughts, feelings, ect. ect. that have ran through my head the last few days as I've thought about this situatioin.
I've been thinking that I recognize a child that rides my bus.  I have not been able to 'place' how I knew her.  For the last few weeks each day she gets on in the morning and I think "how do I know this young lady".  She happens to be one of the only nice, respectful, good, children who I pick up in the morning.  I decided last week one day that I must know her from church.  Then that didn't satisfy my thoughts.  Late last week I thought "Wow she looks like Cor".  Hmm....naaa!!!  Well on Mon/Tue this week I was determined that I 'knew' who this young lady was.  On Wednesday I decided that I would ask to see each childs school id.  This would give me this childs name. 

Sure enough.  I know who she is
This beautiful young lady is the bio sister to Corry.  When I saw A's name on that card I nearly fell off my seat.  Instant stomach in throat feeling.  Instant enterage (sp) of some very strong thoughts/feelings.  How could this be?  A isn't old enough.  Surely not old enough to be a middle schooler. I finished my am route w/the HS kids and did the math in my head....
I realized that yes indeed...A is old enough to be a 6th Grader. will continue to be...alot to digest.
I will leave it at this.  Maybe in the day/weeks ahead I will elaborate more on what happened. 

I guess what it comes down to...
A very small world.  :o)

Doesn't matter how large of a city you are from....You can/will run into people you know.  I is best it was A and not his bm or bgrandparents...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful for a husband who loves me.  Who believes and supports me.  Even though there are many days (some time VERY MANY) that I'm frustrated and fed up with him - when it comes down to the end..he is my best friend!!
  • I am greatful for my children.  Today....I really need to remember how greatful I am for each of them.  It was a very long and trying day.  I am sure that I didn't get the "Mother of the Year Award".  I'm actually sure that my mother didn't either...
  • I am greatful for my father.  He is a gentle, quiet (most of the time), giant.  Much of the time he doesn't say much.  I has been every ounce of what a father should be.  He has proven to me, to the world, to everyone in my family and my life that you do not have to be the "biological" father to parent, love, to just be...he does not fit the "step-father" stigma.  I'm greatful for that!!
  • I am greatful for my mom.  That I was able to spent her 53rd birthday with her today.  That she is who she is.  For the values and morals she holds and instilled in me as a child.
  • I am greatful for the roof over my head.  For the extremely high electric bills we have each month.  Because there are som people with in this country and world and county that I live in that not only don't have a roof over their head but do not have electricity.
  • I'm greatful that I was able to vote early today.  Because the reality has been over 10 yrs since I've voted.  I've only voted for a president once in my life prior.  I didn't really 'know' what I was voting for as I had just turned 18.  My mom and dad told me who they were voting for.  Therefore, I voted for that person.  Only to come home that day and have them both say "we changed our minds at the last minute and voted for (I don't remember who it was...I know he didn't win  I'm greatful that I had the "umph...and...will" to vote.  Because quite honestly .... my thoughts and beliefs are quite callous....which is why I dn't end up voting in the end.  But today...I voted "early"
Hmmm....I'm done for tonight because I'm tired and at a mind blank....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Hold on The Light Will Come

This is a song that I find much comfort in.  It speaks to so so many different ways of our life.

Today when I was listening to my Michael McLean CD this song came on.  My heart was filled with such comfort and peace.  At that moment, the trials, tribulations, the frustrations, the everything that was filling my heart at that moment...was comforted. 

Then this evening I came home and had an email from someone saying that 'she too...feels such comfort from this song".  I don't have the audio to it or I would post it also.

Hold On, The Light Will Come -- Michael McLean

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun:
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt, and fear,
Just hold on, hold on; the light will come.

Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn,
That answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.

Hold on, Hold on. The light will come. (repeat)
If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night,
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half-crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come --
Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come!

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun:
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt, and fear,
Just hold on, hold on; the light will come.

Like I said...his song speaks peace to me when I'm in the darkest moments.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Still Here...

It has been a few weeks since I've wrote here on "my other blog".

Life has been full of ups and downs. Some up, some down. That is what life is about, is it not?

We have done respite 2 more weekends. I do believe we will keep having N come as long as things continue to balance out w/our children. I do have to say that in a few weeks it will get easier since James will be done w/school. He will be doing his internship/externship during the week. Hoewver, he will not be doing homework all evening and on the weekends. That will give him more time to help "me" with my homework. lol.

No has went well w/this little gal. We can/do see threw the RADiness as much as she has shown us. The 2nd weekend we had her she ended up in the hospital. This last weekend it was just fine. There were moments of sibling rivarly between her and Bry. To be expected by both of the youngest in each family. Not to mention Bry has his ownn list of 'issues' so to speak.

My job is just that. I can't wait until I have done my time and am able to go full-time. there are manyu days that I don't think that I will make it till the end of the week let alone another year of this bull crap. Yet, when I look at the end picture...I need to do this.

In a few weeks DH or I will go to a foster care meeting. I am not so sure that we are interested in this. Yet, we are tossing around the idea. Next summer we will be moving at the end of this lease. We will definately be looking for a 4 bedroom duplex/house if at all possible. We will not be interested in doing older children for fostercare. I've been told that there is a 'need' for toddler/infant homes in our area. We shall see. Regardless, it is osmething that we are thining about and tossing the idea around amongst us. We will play it out and see what happens. If it is meant to be...than it will happen.

Other than that...same old same old.

I've got some 'thoughts/posts' brewing in my head in regards to Cor and some of the experiences we went threw. I have kind of fallen off the band wagon on my original thoughts for this blog.

But that is how it goes, right? It is what it is...and today it isn't very much.

:) till next time!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Sick Day w/o Pay

Today I took a sick day. Because my new job does not have 'sick pay' it was with out pay. If you read my other blog you can/will see that the last week has been filled with lots of chaos on the work end.

Yesterday am I started with another one of 'those' head aches. At firs I thought it was because the idiot middle school'r tried to crawl out of the moving motor coach bus that I drive to take his idiot self to school in...and well..the stress alone w/that was enough to give anyone a headache. Interesting thought...the special ed teacher who has been getting on at the "bad" bus stop the last few weeks was riding yesterday. She shocked the crap out of me. After I cut open a new rear end on said child the kids were mocking me. Ungreatful jerks. (sorry...I'm not real positive about my job right now). I was PO'd beyond compare and for the first time my anger really showed. I guess she knew that if she didn't say what she did...I would. I''m glad it was her and not me. She says "YOU ALL better shut the F_ up before she calls the cops"...and then a few other words in there. WOW...a TEACHER said this!! You know their bad when the teacher talks like that to them.

So...that could have been the reason for my headache.

Then it gets worse. Yesterday afternoon the crap city busses that I drive for the crap kids...breaks down. Envisionn being stranded with 60 middle school kids....enough to give anyne a headache.

In the middle of this..I receive a text message from my dh that goes something like this...

" call - Kim no show - bry lft @ schl" 2nd text reads... "on wy hm nw..."

Kim...was SUPPOSED to be our NEW babysitter. SHE no show no called for her first day on the job. She showed yesterday am and dh shows her the ropes. Then doesn't' pick my son up from school . Damn it anyway!! N ow...we ahve to GO BACK to old babysitter at their house...NOT good.

Last night I finish up the 2 online classes that I'm taking. There were 1/2 semester classes and and were due next week. Yippee...I have a week off (well not from that damn algebra) before the next online class starts.

5:00 am this morning...

Alarm goes off. OMflippen heck I think I'm going to die. Hit snooze. DH tries waking me "R U awake" NO leave me sleep...I have a headache...

I get up and nearly pass out while trying to shower and get ready for work.

I CAN NOT go to work like this. My head hurt so bad I wanted to cry. Oh' wait...I did cry. That just made it worse. DUH.

I call in and the supv. on the other endof the phone says "Work related?" I say "NO and then chuckle to myself" He says "return to work date" "HUH...this afternoon maybe...maybe not till tmw.." He repeats himself. is 5am...I can barely think straight, my head feels like someone hit me w/a hammer and you ae asking me when I'm coming back to work and if it was work related...crap. So I said this afternoon. I went back to bed. The chuckling was thinking "hell yes this is work related I breathe those fumes every day and then those kids are going to kill me..."

My dh called my other boss at my other job and told them I wouldn't be in today either...I've worked there 2 yrs...they know by now that i dont' call in sick unless I am sick or need a mental health day...I took a mental health day from them last Wednesday. lol.

My dh even tried calling my dr to get me in w/her. No luck. He calls me back and tell me to go too the urgent care. Sure honey in my spare time when my head isn't laying wide open.

I go back to bed. Wake up at 9am.!!!

Shower...again because somehow I think hot water will help. silly me.

I end up going to the urgent care around 10 am.

I left the urgent care at 1:59 PM~! I was taken back w/in 30 mn. of being there. I spent 3 horrific hours in that damn room. Now when you have a migrane...sleeping on a dr. table really isn't 'ideal'. I did though. They even had the lab tech come to my room and draw blood. hahaha... I casually mentioned to the gal that I had to get labwork done today for an appt. I have tmw w/my hemotologist. Guess she didn't think I needed to go down there.

The shot they gave me did help. Some. Not. Really. It gave me a "hang over" head ache. Not to mention I thought I might be having a heart attack w/in 30 seconds of the nurse giving it to me. I didn't.. The doctor seemed to think I looked 100% better when she finally released me to go home. I actaully did for a while. I even went to a store to see if they had any Wii's in stock - sillly me. How naive of me to think they would.

The moral of this long drawn out stupid post.....

I have no clue why my head hurts.

I have no clue why my head hurts.

I have no clue why today of all days...I really miss C.orry.

I have no clue why today of all days...I feel like it just happened yesterday.

Some professionals might say that this "migrane" was induced because of the C.orr.y thoughts today. If you are one of those professionals I'm going to say screw that thought!!

Regardless, I spent many hours in bed today and well when that happens naturally the other thoughts seem to be filtering in and out of my pea-body-brain.

As I laid in bed today thinking about Cor naturally my mind went to my job and the dorkass children that I take to and from school and how "they" are the same age as Cor is. Interesting thought...

I'm off to bed because I do have to go to work tmw. I can't afford to miss work 2 days in a row w/o pay. So no matter how bad the headache is, no matter how much I want to bang my head into the freeking wall, I have to go....

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I hope and pray that the mom we are doing respite for this weekend is able to get the much needed break that she needs.  I know from experience that it is  A: find respite where the person who is doing respite actually "gets it" and B: just hard to find respite in general.

A few months ago I came across an ad for someone who was looking for respite.  It ended up that I knew of this person and her little girl.  We conversed and set up a time for her to meet my husband and I at our home.  Because life happens we did not get together.

Yesterday B left me a message asking if we were free this weekend.  Her regular respite person backed out and she was desperate.  I literally worked from 6:30am yesterday (Friday Morning) until 11:45 pm last night (no joke...between 3 jobs).  I had enough time to travel between jobs and that was it.  I did get to come home for abuot an hour or so last night after I dropped the V-Football kids off at their game and ran home.

James and I have thought about doing fostercare again.  Only we are adament that we would not do care for children over 4.   We can/will make an exception for respite since we "know" that most respite kids honeymoon and so it can/will be a case by case situation.

I've been very much in a place of acceptance the last few weeks with Cor and the experiences we went threw.  Yet, this morning it was like opening the flood gates all over again...having the thoughts/feelings of the dreams that were lost.  Wondering to myself...if we had respite (ever) and/or even regularly...would it have made a difference in our situation?  I will never know those answers.

What I do that I hope and pray that B is able to get a good night sleep.  She is able to take this time to rejuvinate herself for another round of the battle field for the week ahead of her.  Whatever it might take...I hope and pray that she gets that peace in her heart knowing - we get it..because for me...not very many people who came into my life (even the ONE respite person we had) got it..

Friday, September 12, 2008

Gang Bangers or Just Boys

That is my question today.

I have several children that ride my transit route each day. To be exact on my first middle school run in the morning I have about 50-60 each morning. Then my high school route has about 50-60 also. The afternoon middle school has about 60-70 and the high school route...holy crap lets just say that A: i'm over capacity 99% of th etime and B: it gets pretty stinky...I'm at about 75-85 capacity. Then I have one more middle school route w/about 10 kids max (today there was no one).

On the PM high school route it is 20 minutes of pretty much pure hell. I can do anything for "20 min". I can get them to the "East Transfer Point"...Then it is just "5 more minutes"...It really is breaking it down because there are so many 'not so good kids' on this bus.

I have 2 boys that are in 9 and 10th grade (I asked them today how old/what grade they were in..more on that in a moment). It is pretty obvious to me that they are in 'some sort' of a gang. They wear the same white shirts, baggy denim shorts, same color shoes, socks, and have their hat tilted the same way. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I kid you not. Their shorts are even "freshly pressed" every day along w/their shirts.

These 2 boys have the most foul mouth of any teenager I've heard. I can get pretty foul - specially when I'm in a bad mood, depressed or whatever...but wow...they can go at it. About 90% of the kids get off at the transfer center. Leaving these 2 boys and about 5 others on the bus. They are obnoxious and I really don't like them. Yesterday, I was listening to their foul discussion w/this other girl. She wanted to know if they were "white or black or mexican or what". LOL. They are both said "my momma's white, my daddy's black" Bothh are rather fair skinned. Just like Corry. If it were not for how they wore their hair and talked you probably wouldn't know that they were mix. Just like wouldn't know by the color of his skin that he was a different race than caucasion.

Anyway, on to my point.

These boys have given me more shit and have been more intimidating to me than just about any other child in the last 2 weeks. I had this black kid standing behind me and he was VERY big. Asking me a million questions. These 2 boys were sitting right next to me also. They were going to get off 'early' and I was sosoooooo thankful about that. Then the one kid said "no...I have to be home at 4:12 and no later. I'm grounded...remember". The other kid said something on the line 'just tell ur momma the bus was late'. I said " know that your momma can call the City of Madison and verify what time the bus actually got to your stoop don't you?" "NOOOOO HOW..." I said "GPS". OH they said...and decided to stay on. Dang..>I should ahve shut my mouth and they would have got off.

So it was just them and I after this other big kid who was asking me 100% questions go off. My mind went right to "what kind of shit are they going to gtive me today." They give me shit and harrass me every day because I will not stop at the YMCA. So today I had this overwhelming sense of "you need ot show them you are on their side....they are just another Corry....about the same don' tknow their home life, their situation, what if that was Corry...would you think the same way?". So I very casually said "So boys what grade are you in?" They answered w/9 and 10th grades. I said "ahh so that makes you what about...14 and 15?" They both smiled and said "yep". Then the shocker came "Do you ahve any kids?" I said "Yes, I do. I have 3...." They asked how old, boys, girls. I told them that I had 2 boys and a girl. They were 6 and 9 and my other boy would have been 14. They looked perplexed and said "would have been" and I just said..."yes, I only have 2 children at home w/me now". There were no more questions.

I then told them "just so you isn't that I don't want to drop you off at the Y..I did ask/verify w/the supv. and was told that is an unsafe road and we don't make stops on. So here it is..." They said "ohh...okay". When they got off...they shocked the heck out of me. They said "THANK YOU and HAVE a nice day."

So...are they gang bangers or just boys?

Probably both....but if I stay on 'their' side and stay cool I'm hoping I can gain some respect...

That is at least my hope for today.

Favorit Foto Friday

It has been a while since I ahve posted a photo. And even longer since I've done one of my favorites on a Friday. hopes of bringing a bit of cheer-i-ness to my day, remeber why I'm killing myself gettin gup at 5am and getting home at 6pm each day and only working 4 hrs in between (I work split shifts and then "dauddle the rest of the time) I thought I would post apic of my babies. Because...someday...hopefully...sooner...than later...I will get to be promoted to full time.

That my friends is why I'm nearly killing myself w/these hours....because at full time...our financial income will be so much better than it ever has. We will have 100% employer paid health insurance and much more....

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Headaches and Triggers

On my other blog I posted a blurb about my "headaches".

This morning something happened that really triggered a headache. It ticks me off because it was so honest and not meant in any harm at all.

I was at Panera wasting time between my bus routes and was online for a bit. I decided to eat lunch there. I didn't realize they would boot me off or I would not have paid a near fortune for my lunch there.

The person that waited one me was a guy that I used to take care care of (and his ex-girlfriend). He was asking about my family. He has developmental disabilities and is pretty "with it" so to speak. He asked how old, what grade and how Corry was doing. Corry was 5 when we lived w/him and Heather. He remembered him and was quite fond of him. How do you explain in a "very few moments", to a man with developmental disabilities, while you are ordering food that he is no longer our child, that we terminate dour parental rights, that he lives (least that I know of) in a residential treatment facility? You don' isn't possible. I smiled and said "Corry is no longer our child. He lives in a treatment facility".

The look on Pete's face was shock. He didn't understand. He wanted to know more. He wanted to ask questions but because of the "place' he couldn't. Quite frankly, I have to admit that I am glad.

At the time...not big deal. I went on to eat my lunch and just as I was sitting there I really felt overwhelming saddness, guilt, and all kinds of other things. My head began to hurt like it has every other day. UGH...

I know that there are no real magical answers. I know that my dr. appt. tmw wil not be the magical cure. Yet, I'm really need to figure this out. I can't keep getting this horrible headaches. One of these days my head will put a hole int he wall and then hurt even worse.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Marriage and R.A.D.

I thought I would write today about something that I've not really mentioned on here. Well, actually, there is a lot that i've not mentioned so far.

I can probably say that nearly all married couples (or couples in general) who are parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder probably on some level experience a degree of conflict, resentment, anger, ect ect.

Our marriage was no different. When we adopted Corry our marriage what I thought to be rather 'normal'. We struggled from time to time. We never ever raised our voices at each other - ever. We rarely ever fought. Sure we had disagreements. We worked threw them and oon we went.

Before Cor our biggest struggle was the infertility. He didn't understand Me and I didnt' understand Him. I think this is a common issue among infertile couples. The stress of everything that came alongn with infertility took its toll at times.

Nothing compared to what we entered into with this adoption. NOTHING EVEN remotely the same.

In the beginning Cor's anger was directed at me. He had a mom. he had a Grandma. He didn't want a a new mommy. He didn't need a new mommy in his eyes. He had that. He didn't have a daddy...He did have a Grandpa. But the daddy piece was new. And boy did he play that to the hilt.

In the begining James thought I was being hard on him. I was to strict. I needed to just give him his own space.

In the eyes of many people I was to strict and/or didn't parent like "they" thought I should.

There were many days James would come home from work and not understand why I was so done w/this child. Why I couldn't take another moment.

How does a new mom, who is pregnant w/her first biological child, know in her heart that "something isn't right and she shouldn't go fwd with this adoption" tell her husband this?

You dont'. At least I didn't. Well, I did on some levels. I just didn't come out and say (in all honesty it took MANY just recently...for me to admit this)..I knew in the begining that we were not the right parents. that I couldn't do this.

Yet...I loved him. He was my little boy. I was his mommy. How could I turn my back on him, have my baby and move on with my life?

It took nearly 8 yrs for me to go that route....

During that time there were many many days/nights/weeks/months when I thought that my marriage would not last another day.

We did a 5 day intensive therapy with Deborah Hage. During that time we spent a TON of time working on "our marriage". I can honestly say that for the first time in our husband hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. I can't tell you what happened during that day in October because I've blocked it out. Honestly...I have no clue. I remember everything but what happened between the two of us. If I would have had a car to leave that office that day I would have. James had the therefore, I couldn't leave. Trust me...I tried.

this was the first time that I really knew in my heart that he thought it was all my fault. That we were not on the same page. That I was the bad guy in his eyes...not only Cor's!!

Somehow that was a turnign point in our marriage. Things weren't good by any means. However, we for the first time as parents to this child were closer to becoming "one" and on the same page.

There were many ups and downs.

There was a pivotal point when I knew...I was done. I knew...I could not give this child what he needed. I needed to protect and B.ry....

James couldn't get it. He knew in his heart what I said and felt. Yet, he wasn't ready to let go.

After much discussion with my therapist, prayer, and talking with a few others close to me I had to give an ultimadem. One that I don't think anyone should ever have to do. One that hurt me pretty deep to have to do/say. But, I was prepared to do what it took in order to protect B.ry and

The ultimadem...

If you are going to insist that Cor come back home. You can do that. But you will need to do it w/o me, and B.ry. I refuse to allow these two children to live in the same house. I was prepared to live separated, divorce or wahtever it took to give my 2 youngest children saftey. They had been hurt by him and I could not allow him to hurt them again.

It wasn' do....

This again, was a turning point in our marriage. Again...not all roses. However, it was a point that made my husband think not just about Cor but everyone involved.

There were many more rockymoments heck there still are...I still struggle daily with this.

Only know...we don't discuss it. Cor's name is rarely, if ever our home. James never remembers any of the "dates" that were important...the day he came to live with us, the day we finalized, the day we were sealed in the temple, his birthday (which is the day after mine)...and few others.