Monday, September 8, 2008

Marriage and R.A.D.

I thought I would write today about something that I've not really mentioned on here. Well, actually, there is a lot that i've not mentioned so far.

I can probably say that nearly all married couples (or couples in general) who are parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder probably on some level experience a degree of conflict, resentment, anger, ect ect.

Our marriage was no different. When we adopted Corry our marriage what I thought to be rather 'normal'. We struggled from time to time. We never ever raised our voices at each other - ever. We rarely ever fought. Sure we had disagreements. We worked threw them and oon we went.

Before Cor our biggest struggle was the infertility. He didn't understand Me and I didnt' understand Him. I think this is a common issue among infertile couples. The stress of everything that came alongn with infertility took its toll at times.

Nothing compared to what we entered into with this adoption. NOTHING EVEN remotely the same.

In the beginning Cor's anger was directed at me. He had a mom. he had a Grandma. He didn't want a a new mommy. He didn't need a new mommy in his eyes. He had that. He didn't have a daddy...He did have a Grandpa. But the daddy piece was new. And boy did he play that to the hilt.

In the begining James thought I was being hard on him. I was to strict. I needed to just give him his own space.

In the eyes of many people I was to strict and/or didn't parent like "they" thought I should.

There were many days James would come home from work and not understand why I was so done w/this child. Why I couldn't take another moment.

How does a new mom, who is pregnant w/her first biological child, know in her heart that "something isn't right and she shouldn't go fwd with this adoption" tell her husband this?

You dont'. At least I didn't. Well, I did on some levels. I just didn't come out and say (in all honesty it took MANY just recently...for me to admit this)..I knew in the begining that we were not the right parents. that I couldn't do this.

Yet...I loved him. He was my little boy. I was his mommy. How could I turn my back on him, have my baby and move on with my life?

It took nearly 8 yrs for me to go that route....

During that time there were many many days/nights/weeks/months when I thought that my marriage would not last another day.

We did a 5 day intensive therapy with Deborah Hage. During that time we spent a TON of time working on "our marriage". I can honestly say that for the first time in our husband hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. I can't tell you what happened during that day in October because I've blocked it out. Honestly...I have no clue. I remember everything but what happened between the two of us. If I would have had a car to leave that office that day I would have. James had the therefore, I couldn't leave. Trust me...I tried.

this was the first time that I really knew in my heart that he thought it was all my fault. That we were not on the same page. That I was the bad guy in his eyes...not only Cor's!!

Somehow that was a turnign point in our marriage. Things weren't good by any means. However, we for the first time as parents to this child were closer to becoming "one" and on the same page.

There were many ups and downs.

There was a pivotal point when I knew...I was done. I knew...I could not give this child what he needed. I needed to protect and B.ry....

James couldn't get it. He knew in his heart what I said and felt. Yet, he wasn't ready to let go.

After much discussion with my therapist, prayer, and talking with a few others close to me I had to give an ultimadem. One that I don't think anyone should ever have to do. One that hurt me pretty deep to have to do/say. But, I was prepared to do what it took in order to protect B.ry and

The ultimadem...

If you are going to insist that Cor come back home. You can do that. But you will need to do it w/o me, and B.ry. I refuse to allow these two children to live in the same house. I was prepared to live separated, divorce or wahtever it took to give my 2 youngest children saftey. They had been hurt by him and I could not allow him to hurt them again.

It wasn' do....

This again, was a turning point in our marriage. Again...not all roses. However, it was a point that made my husband think not just about Cor but everyone involved.

There were many more rockymoments heck there still are...I still struggle daily with this.

Only know...we don't discuss it. Cor's name is rarely, if ever our home. James never remembers any of the "dates" that were important...the day he came to live with us, the day we finalized, the day we were sealed in the temple, his birthday (which is the day after mine)...and few others.


1 comment:

Kathy said...

You said a lot of things that I can relate to, with all of the struggles of infertility and adoption...and I'm sure many other people can relate to it too.

Todd and I have had major ups and downs too, and I know that he blames me for our adoption "mess" (part with Destiny, fully with Joshua) I know how that can hurt.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing this post here. I know that everything has to be very hard for you to deal with, and I hope you know how much you help other letting them know that they're not alone.