Saturday, April 25, 2009

April 21, 1999

~~~we finalized our adoption for Corry.

April 22, 1999
~~~we were sealed for eternity in the Chicago LDS Temple.

April 23, 2008
~~~first "When Love was Not Enough" post.

This week we received a phone all (my dh did) from the new SW at the new residential facility where Corry was recently placed at. A few days later Cor called him.

This evening, we received a phone call from the phone number of the last placement. The person who initially contacted us back in January.

My daughter answered the call. The person on the other end hung up. I called the number back. The group home owner stated that his 2 yr old son was playing w/his phone and accidently called us. He apologized profusely. The proceeded to talk and talk....

J' feel quite abit of guilt from having the placement fail. He also has quite abit of anger from the damage that was done while Cor was in his group home (anger because he couldn't help him).

For the first time in 2 1/2 yrs - I spoke with someone who has had direct contact with this child. I have a ton of things swirling in my head.

One of the questions that I've had or worried about for several years was...

"Will we be the target of his anger? Will he seek revenge on our family? This child has sociopath thinking and behaviors (no joke folks) and this has been forever on the forefront of my mind"

I asked J' what he thought.

He said with an absolute resounding NO...he adores you, your dh, your children. He have genuine remorse for hurting you and your children. He hates the State and I can forsee him walking into a state facility and bearing arms and hurting someone or many people....

While that made me feel a bit of hope and relief, it also really makes me feel worse. Worse to know that the things I've thought are true...that this child has and will have the capibility of killing someone. He talks about it daily. He threatened this man and those around him over and over...

I know we did the right thing. I know that we did our best. I know that my heart still hurts and misses that lil blonde haired tiny lil 4 yr old who sat across from the judge that day 10 yrs ago and told her "THIS is my NEW mom and DAD and BABY (pointing to my belly). Everyone thought it was so cute that he emphasized "dad and baby" leaving me out....

If only I knew that day...

What I know now.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Our Vacation - One Year Anniversary

The day we left on our vacation was the one year anniversary of the first post on this blog.

My intent was to 'tell our story'. The story of how our love wasn't quite enough, for one little boys, broken and tattered heart.

Somewhere over the last year, the blog took a different turn. There are days when the posts do talk 'tell our story'. Then there are days that 'that story hurts to much' and the rant that comes out of my fingers is what is fresh on my heart for that day.

Recently, I read an article (can't remember where...I think it was on the "Depression on My Mind" blog) about the 5 stages of grief. How they can/do all happen at such different times. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes at different times, sometimes all at the same time.

Our vacation was great. It was not long enough. Sure, many people say that. However, it truly wasn't. We flew in on the 8th. Drove for 2 1/2 hours and arrived on the 9th at 2:30am. That was "VERY EARLY" on Thursday...we left early on Monday.

Just plain cut simple and dry...NOT enough time to do everything, see everyone, love on everyone, relax and just be...when you haven't seen these people in SIXTEEN YEI have so much more to much more in my brain....I just can't put it here,right now...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Heavy Heart, Anxiety, and all that other jazzy

This week brings on a great deal of emotion, excitement, and all kinds of other stuff with it.

Wednesday, my family and I will board an airplane. Fly 2000 miles across the United States. For the first time in nearly 16 years, we will see and meet lots and lots of family members!! This will be the first time that 99% of my family will meet my husband. It will be the first time that 100% of my family will meet my children. The first time my children will meet their Great Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and lots more people. I am the oldest of many many many (did I say MANY) grandchildren?

I am very excited. Yet, there is a big hole. Just like when we went to Disney World. There was a big hole as one of the people that my family has never met, nor will they will not be with us. Ever. This family, who have children who were/are adopted. One a very newly adopted child. One, two, three...there are tons of my cousins who probably will fit some of the issues that our child had.

That's okay. I am okay with this. It.Is.What.It.Is. And there is nothing I can do to change this.

This week marks a very hard and frustrating point in our journey. The reason behind this blog. I did not plan this trip to coincide with this anniversary. It just happened.

Three years ago this week was the last time I saw Cor. Three years ago this week was the last picture I had taken with Cor. (I can't find it, btw). Three years ago this week was the last time I heard his voice.

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days it seems like it has been a life time.

There will be such excitement and joy this week and at the same time a rather large void, that is always there. However, this week seems to be ever increased.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Ms. RAD Mouth and Stalkers

On Monday, Ms. RAD Mouth did her new thing of standing in front of me. Staring me down. Giving me the 10th degree in glare/stare. Smacking her pass threw the machine and making her grewling presence be known.

I.Did.Not.Say.One.Word.To.Her. I smiled and just continued to watch the children getting on the bus.

Then she did something that was really not cool. In RAD terms..the only way to teach a lesson (in my opinion) is natural consequences. However, when you lean against the rear door - and it gets opened and you fall out..that wouldn't be cool, right? Thus, I can't really do that. I give up.

Then I had to listen to a handful of children (same ones that Ms. RAD Mouth) was getting in trouble, only they knew to shut their lips and she didn't. They decided it it was time to take their lets pretend you are a stalker montra to a hole new level. Two Foster Care children and 3-4 other children, discussing stalking, kidnapping, duct taping, raping and all other kinds of grueling stuff....doing this TO EACH OTHER...all in a joking manner.


So today I called dispatch shortly before I got to school requesting principal come to my bus. We need to talk.

Mr. P comes and we have a talk. To say he was pissed beyond belief re: the pretending crap that was being said...would be an understatement. He will be taking care of that tmw.

THEN I talked to him about Ms. RAD Mouth.

I had to hold back the tears. S'rsly heart is so torn and feels so flippen broken about what has happened to this young lady in the last year. If I didn't trust the principal - I would think he was bluffing and lying to me. It was/is incredible horrible. Lets just say this young lady had a very very severe traumatic brain injury, ended up in a comma for 4 full months and in/out for the next 2 months. When she woke up, she was a completely different young lady than what she was before she went to sleep. Before she went to sleep she was a straight A, most popular in her class, most well behaved and loved child in the school.....The next 6 months led to a disruption, new parents, new school and now a bus driver who is at her wits end.....

I am very torn on how to move fwd with Ms. Mouth. I think I will not refer to her as Mr. RAD mouth. Ms. Mouth did not ride today. I think my next step will try to kill her with kindness, give her the support that she needs, yet continue to be firm in my expectations. I will give her another chance to move to the front of the bus and stand near me. I she calls me a F.B. she will no longer to be able to ride the bus.

My heart is heavy as I think about her and the events in her life. My own life and the current issues that are causing a great deal of frustration, saddness, and just plain pissed off-ness.