Sunday, April 5, 2009

Heavy Heart, Anxiety, and all that other jazzy

This week brings on a great deal of emotion, excitement, and all kinds of other stuff with it.

Wednesday, my family and I will board an airplane. Fly 2000 miles across the United States. For the first time in nearly 16 years, we will see and meet lots and lots of family members!! This will be the first time that 99% of my family will meet my husband. It will be the first time that 100% of my family will meet my children. The first time my children will meet their Great Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and lots more people. I am the oldest of many many many (did I say MANY) grandchildren?

I am very excited. Yet, there is a big hole. Just like when we went to Disney World. There was a big hole as one of the people that my family has never met, nor will they will not be with us. Ever. This family, who have children who were/are adopted. One a very newly adopted child. One, two, three...there are tons of my cousins who probably will fit some of the issues that our child had.

That's okay. I am okay with this. It.Is.What.It.Is. And there is nothing I can do to change this.

This week marks a very hard and frustrating point in our journey. The reason behind this blog. I did not plan this trip to coincide with this anniversary. It just happened.

Three years ago this week was the last time I saw Cor. Three years ago this week was the last picture I had taken with Cor. (I can't find it, btw). Three years ago this week was the last time I heard his voice.

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days it seems like it has been a life time.

There will be such excitement and joy this week and at the same time a rather large void, that is always there. However, this week seems to be ever increased.

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