Friday, October 31, 2008

More on Post from Wednesday...

Few days ago I posted about a situation I came across while working.  It was something that made my heart sink.  Really sink.  I can't even begin to describe the thoughts, feelings, ect. ect. that have ran through my head the last few days as I've thought about this situatioin.
I've been thinking that I recognize a child that rides my bus.  I have not been able to 'place' how I knew her.  For the last few weeks each day she gets on in the morning and I think "how do I know this young lady".  She happens to be one of the only nice, respectful, good, children who I pick up in the morning.  I decided last week one day that I must know her from church.  Then that didn't satisfy my thoughts.  Late last week I thought "Wow she looks like Cor".  Hmm....naaa!!!  Well on Mon/Tue this week I was determined that I 'knew' who this young lady was.  On Wednesday I decided that I would ask to see each childs school id.  This would give me this childs name. 

Sure enough.  I know who she is
This beautiful young lady is the bio sister to Corry.  When I saw A's name on that card I nearly fell off my seat.  Instant stomach in throat feeling.  Instant enterage (sp) of some very strong thoughts/feelings.  How could this be?  A isn't old enough.  Surely not old enough to be a middle schooler. I finished my am route w/the HS kids and did the math in my head....
I realized that yes indeed...A is old enough to be a 6th Grader. will continue to be...alot to digest.
I will leave it at this.  Maybe in the day/weeks ahead I will elaborate more on what happened. 

I guess what it comes down to...
A very small world.  :o)

Doesn't matter how large of a city you are from....You can/will run into people you know.  I is best it was A and not his bm or bgrandparents...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful for a husband who loves me.  Who believes and supports me.  Even though there are many days (some time VERY MANY) that I'm frustrated and fed up with him - when it comes down to the end..he is my best friend!!
  • I am greatful for my children.  Today....I really need to remember how greatful I am for each of them.  It was a very long and trying day.  I am sure that I didn't get the "Mother of the Year Award".  I'm actually sure that my mother didn't either...
  • I am greatful for my father.  He is a gentle, quiet (most of the time), giant.  Much of the time he doesn't say much.  I has been every ounce of what a father should be.  He has proven to me, to the world, to everyone in my family and my life that you do not have to be the "biological" father to parent, love, to just be...he does not fit the "step-father" stigma.  I'm greatful for that!!
  • I am greatful for my mom.  That I was able to spent her 53rd birthday with her today.  That she is who she is.  For the values and morals she holds and instilled in me as a child.
  • I am greatful for the roof over my head.  For the extremely high electric bills we have each month.  Because there are som people with in this country and world and county that I live in that not only don't have a roof over their head but do not have electricity.
  • I'm greatful that I was able to vote early today.  Because the reality has been over 10 yrs since I've voted.  I've only voted for a president once in my life prior.  I didn't really 'know' what I was voting for as I had just turned 18.  My mom and dad told me who they were voting for.  Therefore, I voted for that person.  Only to come home that day and have them both say "we changed our minds at the last minute and voted for (I don't remember who it was...I know he didn't win  I'm greatful that I had the "umph...and...will" to vote.  Because quite honestly .... my thoughts and beliefs are quite callous....which is why I dn't end up voting in the end.  But today...I voted "early"
Hmmm....I'm done for tonight because I'm tired and at a mind blank....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Hold on The Light Will Come

This is a song that I find much comfort in.  It speaks to so so many different ways of our life.

Today when I was listening to my Michael McLean CD this song came on.  My heart was filled with such comfort and peace.  At that moment, the trials, tribulations, the frustrations, the everything that was filling my heart at that moment...was comforted. 

Then this evening I came home and had an email from someone saying that 'she too...feels such comfort from this song".  I don't have the audio to it or I would post it also.

Hold On, The Light Will Come -- Michael McLean

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun:
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt, and fear,
Just hold on, hold on; the light will come.

Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn,
That answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.

Hold on, Hold on. The light will come. (repeat)
If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night,
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half-crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come --
Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come!

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun:
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt, and fear,
Just hold on, hold on; the light will come.

Like I said...his song speaks peace to me when I'm in the darkest moments.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Still Here...

It has been a few weeks since I've wrote here on "my other blog".

Life has been full of ups and downs. Some up, some down. That is what life is about, is it not?

We have done respite 2 more weekends. I do believe we will keep having N come as long as things continue to balance out w/our children. I do have to say that in a few weeks it will get easier since James will be done w/school. He will be doing his internship/externship during the week. Hoewver, he will not be doing homework all evening and on the weekends. That will give him more time to help "me" with my homework. lol.

No has went well w/this little gal. We can/do see threw the RADiness as much as she has shown us. The 2nd weekend we had her she ended up in the hospital. This last weekend it was just fine. There were moments of sibling rivarly between her and Bry. To be expected by both of the youngest in each family. Not to mention Bry has his ownn list of 'issues' so to speak.

My job is just that. I can't wait until I have done my time and am able to go full-time. there are manyu days that I don't think that I will make it till the end of the week let alone another year of this bull crap. Yet, when I look at the end picture...I need to do this.

In a few weeks DH or I will go to a foster care meeting. I am not so sure that we are interested in this. Yet, we are tossing around the idea. Next summer we will be moving at the end of this lease. We will definately be looking for a 4 bedroom duplex/house if at all possible. We will not be interested in doing older children for fostercare. I've been told that there is a 'need' for toddler/infant homes in our area. We shall see. Regardless, it is osmething that we are thining about and tossing the idea around amongst us. We will play it out and see what happens. If it is meant to be...than it will happen.

Other than that...same old same old.

I've got some 'thoughts/posts' brewing in my head in regards to Cor and some of the experiences we went threw. I have kind of fallen off the band wagon on my original thoughts for this blog.

But that is how it goes, right? It is what it is...and today it isn't very much.

:) till next time!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Sick Day w/o Pay

Today I took a sick day. Because my new job does not have 'sick pay' it was with out pay. If you read my other blog you can/will see that the last week has been filled with lots of chaos on the work end.

Yesterday am I started with another one of 'those' head aches. At firs I thought it was because the idiot middle school'r tried to crawl out of the moving motor coach bus that I drive to take his idiot self to school in...and well..the stress alone w/that was enough to give anyone a headache. Interesting thought...the special ed teacher who has been getting on at the "bad" bus stop the last few weeks was riding yesterday. She shocked the crap out of me. After I cut open a new rear end on said child the kids were mocking me. Ungreatful jerks. (sorry...I'm not real positive about my job right now). I was PO'd beyond compare and for the first time my anger really showed. I guess she knew that if she didn't say what she did...I would. I''m glad it was her and not me. She says "YOU ALL better shut the F_ up before she calls the cops"...and then a few other words in there. WOW...a TEACHER said this!! You know their bad when the teacher talks like that to them.

So...that could have been the reason for my headache.

Then it gets worse. Yesterday afternoon the crap city busses that I drive for the crap kids...breaks down. Envisionn being stranded with 60 middle school kids....enough to give anyne a headache.

In the middle of this..I receive a text message from my dh that goes something like this...

" call - Kim no show - bry lft @ schl" 2nd text reads... "on wy hm nw..."

Kim...was SUPPOSED to be our NEW babysitter. SHE no show no called for her first day on the job. She showed yesterday am and dh shows her the ropes. Then doesn't' pick my son up from school . Damn it anyway!! N ow...we ahve to GO BACK to old babysitter at their house...NOT good.

Last night I finish up the 2 online classes that I'm taking. There were 1/2 semester classes and and were due next week. Yippee...I have a week off (well not from that damn algebra) before the next online class starts.

5:00 am this morning...

Alarm goes off. OMflippen heck I think I'm going to die. Hit snooze. DH tries waking me "R U awake" NO leave me sleep...I have a headache...

I get up and nearly pass out while trying to shower and get ready for work.

I CAN NOT go to work like this. My head hurt so bad I wanted to cry. Oh' wait...I did cry. That just made it worse. DUH.

I call in and the supv. on the other endof the phone says "Work related?" I say "NO and then chuckle to myself" He says "return to work date" "HUH...this afternoon maybe...maybe not till tmw.." He repeats himself. is 5am...I can barely think straight, my head feels like someone hit me w/a hammer and you ae asking me when I'm coming back to work and if it was work related...crap. So I said this afternoon. I went back to bed. The chuckling was thinking "hell yes this is work related I breathe those fumes every day and then those kids are going to kill me..."

My dh called my other boss at my other job and told them I wouldn't be in today either...I've worked there 2 yrs...they know by now that i dont' call in sick unless I am sick or need a mental health day...I took a mental health day from them last Wednesday. lol.

My dh even tried calling my dr to get me in w/her. No luck. He calls me back and tell me to go too the urgent care. Sure honey in my spare time when my head isn't laying wide open.

I go back to bed. Wake up at 9am.!!!

Shower...again because somehow I think hot water will help. silly me.

I end up going to the urgent care around 10 am.

I left the urgent care at 1:59 PM~! I was taken back w/in 30 mn. of being there. I spent 3 horrific hours in that damn room. Now when you have a migrane...sleeping on a dr. table really isn't 'ideal'. I did though. They even had the lab tech come to my room and draw blood. hahaha... I casually mentioned to the gal that I had to get labwork done today for an appt. I have tmw w/my hemotologist. Guess she didn't think I needed to go down there.

The shot they gave me did help. Some. Not. Really. It gave me a "hang over" head ache. Not to mention I thought I might be having a heart attack w/in 30 seconds of the nurse giving it to me. I didn't.. The doctor seemed to think I looked 100% better when she finally released me to go home. I actaully did for a while. I even went to a store to see if they had any Wii's in stock - sillly me. How naive of me to think they would.

The moral of this long drawn out stupid post.....

I have no clue why my head hurts.

I have no clue why my head hurts.

I have no clue why today of all days...I really miss C.orry.

I have no clue why today of all days...I feel like it just happened yesterday.

Some professionals might say that this "migrane" was induced because of the C.orr.y thoughts today. If you are one of those professionals I'm going to say screw that thought!!

Regardless, I spent many hours in bed today and well when that happens naturally the other thoughts seem to be filtering in and out of my pea-body-brain.

As I laid in bed today thinking about Cor naturally my mind went to my job and the dorkass children that I take to and from school and how "they" are the same age as Cor is. Interesting thought...

I'm off to bed because I do have to go to work tmw. I can't afford to miss work 2 days in a row w/o pay. So no matter how bad the headache is, no matter how much I want to bang my head into the freeking wall, I have to go....

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I hope and pray that the mom we are doing respite for this weekend is able to get the much needed break that she needs.  I know from experience that it is  A: find respite where the person who is doing respite actually "gets it" and B: just hard to find respite in general.

A few months ago I came across an ad for someone who was looking for respite.  It ended up that I knew of this person and her little girl.  We conversed and set up a time for her to meet my husband and I at our home.  Because life happens we did not get together.

Yesterday B left me a message asking if we were free this weekend.  Her regular respite person backed out and she was desperate.  I literally worked from 6:30am yesterday (Friday Morning) until 11:45 pm last night (no joke...between 3 jobs).  I had enough time to travel between jobs and that was it.  I did get to come home for abuot an hour or so last night after I dropped the V-Football kids off at their game and ran home.

James and I have thought about doing fostercare again.  Only we are adament that we would not do care for children over 4.   We can/will make an exception for respite since we "know" that most respite kids honeymoon and so it can/will be a case by case situation.

I've been very much in a place of acceptance the last few weeks with Cor and the experiences we went threw.  Yet, this morning it was like opening the flood gates all over again...having the thoughts/feelings of the dreams that were lost.  Wondering to myself...if we had respite (ever) and/or even regularly...would it have made a difference in our situation?  I will never know those answers.

What I do that I hope and pray that B is able to get a good night sleep.  She is able to take this time to rejuvinate herself for another round of the battle field for the week ahead of her.  Whatever it might take...I hope and pray that she gets that peace in her heart knowing - we get it..because for me...not very many people who came into my life (even the ONE respite person we had) got it..