Thursday, May 28, 2009

Baby Showers

I was invited to go to a baby shower this weekend.

I can't go because of a girl scouting commitment that I have for my daughter.

Even though I want to go it is best that I can't. Even though I am sooo incredible happy for the "Mother-to-Be"....something about it just stings...

I grew up, in church with this sweet lady. She is my age, single, and adopting a newborn baby....

I am soooo very happy for her and was soo elated when I saw her mom a few weeks ago and she told me. Yet, my heart really aches. The realization that I will not have any more children - birth or adopted stings!!

I know several people that are pregnant or adopting and I'm really struggling, all over again with those infertility 'issues'....

ReDEFINEing Normal

In the days and weeks after Cor's first hospitalization into the psychiatric hospital, I wondered if life as I knew it, before adopting a child with severe mental illness would ever be the same.  The days turned into weeks.  The weeks turned into months.  The months have since turned into years.  I am still wondering what my life was like before this....

Many days and hours were spent redefineing what/who our family was.  It was a journey that I didn't not set out for.  Believing was not about seeing.  Faith was not about reaching.  Flying was not about wings.  It was about believing that this was my life.  It was about redefineing what my faith was based on.  It was about bandaging the wings that I had, savoring what was left and learning to fly with those battered wings, again and again...

In the months and years since our family went from a family of 5 to 4 and in the light of the severe emotional toll it took on myself and marriage it seemed to redefine us and be the only thing on my heart and mind so many days from the moment I woke and until the moment I closed my eyes. 

Some days the pain was so (is still) so all consuming and intense it was all I could do to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, make myself presentable and be the mom that my two children at home still need(ed).  There have been many days where I couldn't imagine that the pain and sorrow would ever become less than it was at that moment.  That I would ever be able to feel normal ever.again.  There was a part of me that finding thestrength to press on and redefine what normal was, would be forgetting about what normal was as a family of 5.  By redefineing what normal is supposed to be would be saying 'it is okay to live without him in our home' and to me that isn't okay.

As the days, months, and years have passed, so has the fading memory of that 5th person who used to share our home.  A few years ago as we ventured into adding another member to our family, our dreams were once again shattered.  Truth betold, we are no closer today, than we were in May 2007 to adding a 6th (or 5th depending upon how you look at it) to our family.  Redefineing the thought that I am and always will only be mom to 2

It has been nearly 3 years since the finalization of our tpr.  It has been 3 years since I heard his voice.  It has been 3 long, agonizing years.  Truth is, many days are normal.  Truth is, many days are heart wrenching.  Truth is, today....yesterday.....I am pissed that we ended up having to redefine life as we knew it...

.....and truth I think that!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Please Be Gentle

I read this poem on a blog today.  Even though my loss is so much different than this sweet families loss....

In some is very much the same.  I just thought this was a very neat poem and really touched my heart today.  I guess, missing that blonde haired young man lately more than I care to admit...

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture m e through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
- By Jill B. Englar

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thankful Thursday Perspective

During a time of bailouts, pointing fingers, econmic trials that we are going threw today, I want to list some things that I'm thankful for.  Instead of all the negative things that are in my world, swirling in my head, my job, in everyday life, I would like to praise my Father in Heaven, because of who He is and what he has done.  It is so easy to point plame and shout from the trials and tribulations and question our faith. 
I need to bask in the undeniable security that I have a Father in Heaven, who loves me, who hears my prayers, and the steadfast knowledge that the circumstances have not and will not take Him by surprise. 

Today, I just want to be. 
Today, I just want to be mindful of the blessings that I have in my life. 
I am thankful for my children, and their precious (sometimes) smiling faces that greet me each and every evening upon my arrival home from work.
I am thankful for my husband who tries so diligently to keep our home in order.
I am most thankful for today.. another breath, another joyous moment, another day of life that I don't deserve.
I am thankful for my parents, and all of the support they bring to our family.
I am thankful for the frogs that I heard driving down the road this morning.  It was such a wonderful sound.
I am thankful that in the midst of chaos, if I allow him to, My Father in Heaven will hold my hand and my heart.
I am thankful that I have such wonderful and supportive friends, even though I sometimes drive them nuts and they do me.
I am thankful that I am alive and able to work.
I am thankful that for the experience we had to parent Corry.  For without that experience, I would  not have the heart and compassion I do today for children with special needs.
I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who never gives up on me, even when I have given up on myself (and Him).
I am thankful that I have the security of knowing that no matter Father in Heaven will be there for me.

Take a moment to listen to this link:  What a Wonderful World

Monday, May 4, 2009

ALMOST there...

Because I am taking online courses at the college, I can/am ending my classes earlier than other students. I believe that most students attend class until around the 19th of May.

Last week I finished my accounting class.  Considering I failed nearly every single test, only receiving about a 50-60%, I will end the course with an 85% which is a B or C (not sure right off hand).  You know what...I don't really care!! I passed. I did learn something.  It helped that I received 100% on nearly every homework assignment.  I have about 5 assignments that I could fix the errors on and I have the ability to retake the tests that I failed, with the highest grade being the one that is counted.  At this very moment...I don't care. I passed. I passed with a rather 'ok' grade. I don't strive to get straight A's.

My typing class, it is a rather advanced class.  My goals the instructor set were/are very high.  I started the class the week after I punched the car in Feb. trying to 'not get hit'. (didn't work very well..I still got hit by the car).  I have a scar on my left wrist from the so called therapy that the I endured. I stopped going to the therapy because I was sick and tired of leaving with blisters.  plain.cut.simple.and.dry.  According to the therapist - it should have got 100% better. As soon as the therapy stopped, the pain came back.  Basically, I have pretty significant tendanitis in my wrist. Not sure what can/will help with it.  My typing class required I type a MINIMUM of 200 PERFECT lines p/week.  If I made a mistake in that sentence, I had to redo it.  That was just to get a "D".  To get an "A" for that week I had to type 280 lines or more.  Every single week, with the exception of last week, I typed 280+ lines.  I still got an A for last week's assignment because I emailed her and told her "I just can't do it anymore."  I have 3 more days till the last assigment is due.  I will end up with a B in the class I believe. Maybe an A. Who knows. It will see how lienent she is. I've not increased my words per minute by 10 words so it will be interesting to see what happens.

The last class I am taking. I will most likely end up with an A, maybe an AB. 

Regardless, I'm DONE DONE DONE!!

I can't say I will return in the fall.  My intentions on going to school this year were a few differnet reasons.  Mainly to get general ed requirements so I could return to the University.  Not going to happen. I will be honest and say - I am giving up on the thoughts that I had.

I can only hope and pray that I will be offered full-time between know and August....REALLY PRAYING!! Not only for the financial reason but a few others that I don't care to go into right now.  Maybe another day, another post.