In the days and weeks after Cor's first hospitalization into the psychiatric hospital, I wondered if life as I knew it, before adopting a child with severe mental illness would ever be the same. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. The months have since turned into years. I am still wondering what my life was like before this....
Many days and hours were spent redefineing what/who our family was. It was a journey that I didn't not set out for. Believing was not about seeing. Faith was not about reaching. Flying was not about wings. It was about believing that this was my life. It was about redefineing what my faith was based on. It was about bandaging the wings that I had, savoring what was left and learning to fly with those battered wings, again and again...
In the months and years since our family went from a family of 5 to 4 and in the light of the severe emotional toll it took on myself and marriage it seemed to redefine us and be the only thing on my heart and mind so many days from the moment I woke and until the moment I closed my eyes.
Some days the pain was so (is still) so all consuming and intense it was all I could do to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, make myself presentable and be the mom that my two children at home still need(ed). There have been many days where I couldn't imagine that the pain and sorrow would ever become less than it was at that moment. That I would ever be able to feel normal ever.again. There was a part of me that finding thestrength to press on and redefine what normal was, would be forgetting about what normal was as a family of 5. By redefineing what normal is supposed to be would be saying 'it is okay to live without him in our home' and to me that isn't okay.
As the days, months, and years have passed, so has the fading memory of that 5th person who used to share our home. A few years ago as we ventured into adding another member to our family, our dreams were once again shattered. Truth betold, we are no closer today, than we were in May 2007 to adding a 6th (or 5th depending upon how you look at it) to our family. Redefineing the thought that I am and always will only be mom to 2 children.just.plain.sucks.
It has been nearly 3 years since the finalization of our tpr. It has been 3 years since I heard his voice. It has been 3 long, agonizing years. Truth is, many days are normal. Truth is, many days are heart wrenching. Truth is, today....yesterday.....I am pissed that we ended up having to redefine life as we knew it...
.....and truth is...today I think that just.plain.sucks!!
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