Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Get your hot cocoa...

this might be long!!

***UPDATED at the BOTTOM of the POST!!!!****
I want to start by first saying that this might be long. I tend to ramble. I tend to go in circles. I tend to not make sense some days.

Today - might just be one of those days.

Recently, I read on another blog of a sweet mother whose 3 yr old, chronically ill adoptive daughter...this mom said she felt she was drowing. Lord, can I ever relate. Sure, not exactly in the way that she was/is drowning..but I've been recently as today...yesterday...and last week!!

Back to the beginning and then to where I am "today"...

I dont' remember if I put this in my first few posts on this blog or not. So here goes it.

When we adopted Cor we were very active in our religion. We were full tithe payers, held temple reccommends and visted as often as our life/jobs permitted, held callings in our church and were all around...very active members. Our testimony was very strong. Our faith was very strong.

There were moments that our faith and testimony waivered. We wanted a baby. We wanted to have a family. We begged and pleaded with the Lord. We did every single thing that we thought was right for us and was pleasing to our Father in Heaven.

When the opportunity to adopt Cor came along we knew that the Lord was hearing and answering our prayers. We decided from the very beginning that if I were to get pregnant before Cor was placed with us that we would not adopt him. (In reality he should have never been placed with us until after the TPR was final). This was what we had been told all along. We knew there were no guarantee's. We knew that after his placement..there were no guarantee's. Now...we also knew that it would take an act of God for him to be removed from our home and his BM getting custody again...but that was a different issue.

When I had not got pregnant. When we had exhausted all medical possibilities w/in our financial ability to conceive....we knew that this was meant to be.

We felt very strongly that our Father in Heaven was telling us that we were to adopt Cor.
That feeling was verified even more so after he was placed with us. I had not got pregnant. I still wanted a baby. But I had not got pregnant.

Here is a bit of a timeline....

October 15 1998 the BM's parental rights were terminated.
October 15, 1998 legal custody was given to LDS Social Services.
October 20, 1998 Cor was legally placed in our home with the intent of adoption.

rememer...I still wanted a baby. I still wanted more children.

November 4, 1998 I saw another new specialist. Five years and five infertility specialists later...I was told the exact same thing as the 4 previous times...You will not conceive naturally and if you do...the pregnancy may not be viable... Dang...I still remember that day. I still remember leaving that office as if a knife had just cut my heart. I went home and Cor was there. For a few moments all that hurt was taken away...and I was comforted by knowing that "I" had my little boy. This is what I had prayed for. My Father in Heaven saw fit to place this little boy in my arms and I would be his mommy...forever!! Little did this dr. know that a few short weeks later he would be seeing me an emergency...

December 1, 1998 I saw my PCP-PA. I had only seen her 1 other time as we had a new insurance company and doctors. Penny would become a very sweet and dear woman in my life for years to come. I had been having cramps and spotting for several weeks (before 11/4). I was 2 weeks late getting my period according to the "fertility" world. However, I usually had 5-6 week cycles so this didnt' mean anything to me. The nurse insisted on doing a pregnancy test. I insisted she not. She won. Fast forward about 30 minutes or more...Penny had did her thing. Decided that I needed to have an endometrial biopsy and was quite certain that I had ovarian cysts about to rupture. She wanted me to have an U/S with in a week or two and than we would go from there. As she gave me my the dates/times of my appt the nurse knocked on the door. With a very perplexed look on her face. (One that I will NEVER forget). She handed Penny a piece of paper and left the room. She sat there for a moment. Tears filling her eyes. "Gala....(long pause)'re....(even longer pause)....pregnant...." The next few hours would be a blur. As I sat there crying and being comforted at the same time I could tell that it wasn't good. Something wasn't quite right...or was it". She told me that she needed to make a phone call to the specialist that I just saw. Which she did. I heard every single word of that conversation and I knew it wasn't good. She sent me home to get my dh and then off to a the clinic for an u/s.

(This is getting long) Basically...for the first 2 weeks that I 'knew' I was pregnant. I also knew that at any single moment that my dr would decide to do surgery and I would no longer be pregnant. You see...the fetus was not showing up on the u/s. I did have a 'fetus like formation' in one of my tube. Two weeks later....we saw a heartbeat. We saw our piece of rice. We saw our now beautiful 9 yr old daughter...

This young lady was conceived....between 10/25 and 11/1 just days after the TPR, just days after the legal placement....I was actually pg when I first saw this OB.

We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cor was to be in our home. We followed our 'deal' so to speak and since I did not get pregnant before Cor was placed with us....he was to stay in our home. We were his parents. He had a baby brother/sister on the way.

Fast forward to the last few years/know. As I mentioned above we were very active in our beliefs and knew that our Father in Heaven led us in this direction.

Yet, here I sit....10 yrs later and this child is no longer mine.

I've lost nearly all of my faith in the priesthood leaders of my church. Ultimately, it was a few of these leaders who did things that were not ethicical, Christ-like - who ended up hurting my family in the end.

To say that I am mad at my Father in Heaven would probably be an under statement.

To say that I am mad at myself for not following my gut and instead following the teachings and the guidance of my leaders and continuing on with something that I knew in my heart needed to change is an under statement.

To say that I'm just plain angry would be an under statement.

I'm not saying by any means that I don't believe...
I'm not saying by any means that I dont' have a fierce and undying love for my Father in Heaven...I do.

I'm angry and for today and for tmw and for whomever knows how long...I've got to figure it out.

I've been told that I need to "deal with this anger" and make it productive. As I've blogged before about some of my thoughts around this will not happen. I am not even close to being able to pass the required math class in order to get into a 4 yr college. So now...I'm back to square one.

I've had people tell me things that I should do...I am just not thinking it is me. Breaking a dozen eggs or breaking something else...I dont' see that as being beneficial.

I'm holding on by one small piece of driftwood right now...

if you got this far...bless you. I don't really know that there is any real reason behind this post. Other than to say...that I'm pissed off, angry, and that is that....

**updated to add...
Even though I'm not really feeling better. I am. After I posted this I went to my college email/web page. I realized that ALL 12 credits I enrolled in last week for the spring semester DID NOT get submitted!!! I dont' plan on going 12 credits..only 6. However, I registered for "more" and can always drop after I decide what to do. Needless to say all the classes were now full. I sat here crying. Once again feeling like such a dang failure. I've struggled w/every aspect of this 'college crap'. My dh said something really stupid. i then got p'd off and left for work. In the process of doing that my shoe zipper got it became a dog shoe and I threw it across the room. I got in my car and sat there (freezing I might add) and sobbed...I cried all the way to the store, all threw the store, and all the way to work.

Nothing has changed...but that good cry helped...kind of. Maybe that is what I need to do...just cry more. Ya, think? I don't!


a said...

If it helps my major was math, post any questions and I can help :)

Accidental Mommy said...

I just read your entire post word for word. I feel your pain. I am so angry at God and I feel he deceived me. I did everything he asked of me and this was to be the outcome? I don't understand it.

My kids were apparently set for TPR before they even walked in the door but to me, their mother was taking classes and they had phone call rights and visitation and I was just doing a favor for a family member until she got on her feet. But that wasn't so. I don't understand why they bothered with the charade of allowing her in the kids lives for as long as they did only to terminate.

With my husband being a quadriplegic (and I being his only caregiver)and the kids behaviors starting to escalate, not to mention not knowing a soul just having moved out here, I was feeling in my gut that I couldn't do this.

We had already almost lost our house, my husband had been hospitalized twice and I had to leave the kids with the neighbors and whoever would take them for us while he was there. It just seemed like too much and the state kept pushing us to set a date.

But I pressed on because I thought this was what God wanted, all the signs were there and surely if it was what He wanted, then it would all pan out right?

I can feel your helplessness and hopelessness. It's like nothing we do ever works out no matter how hard we try to find the thing that's supposed to set things right or something?

Crying works sometimes but the feelings keep coming back no matter what we do, right?

I've been trying to tell myself that I should go back to school in January and get my Masters degree. But I wonder, for what? With the kids and hubs I can't leave the house and get a job.

I feel that I probably couldn't hack it in the classroom right now, so I've been working on workbooks and some educational dvd's through netflix to try to bring myself up to speed. I've even bought and worked through some 4th and 5th grade math books to figure out where I get lost. lol

Baby's all we can do. Right?

I keep telling myself at some point it's got to get better. Not perfect but better. At some point we will get our break.

Brenda said...

I would not begin to tell you what to do. (((((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you can find your way to deal with it. For me, therapy, especially EMDR therapy was very helpful. It is a very calming comforting type therapy. But you have to do whatever is right for you.