Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just wanted to clarify a few things.

I seen/published Diana's comment and received a few other personal emails from fellow bloggers (or I should say fellow lurkers in some cases) in regards to my last post.

I won't stop blogging. However, the tone or subject might change and may even be directed to a bit of a different audience. I don't believe I would close this blog completely. Just stop publishing posts and start an entirely different blog. There are many different reasons why.

Sure, I still beat myself up. I still have many many regrets when it comes to Our Story. Often I try to make sense of where/what/when/how we got to where we are 12 years after becoming parents to that little blonde curly haired little boy. And yet how I went to T.arget to their after Christmas sale and bought a 4 Stocking Holder saying of "L O V E " for our family of 4...and how I still ahve a 5 peace stocking holder set that says "P E A C E" and yet....there is not peace in my heart.

I will admit....(if you've not figured it out already) that sure....I struggle daily, weekly, hourly....and there are days that I can't even say it has anything to do with our disruption and/or how we got there and there are days that it has everything to do with our disruption and how we got there. The mere fact that the ONE thing left in our home....that represented "OUR FAMILY of 5" will be replaced come next Christmas. And that really stings. A LOT.

There I said it. There will no longer be an empty Red Stocking hung. There will no longer be that 5th spot. Because as it has been for a few years now....we are a family of 4 not 5.

So you might ask or wonder why close this blog or stop blogging and open another? Because well....just because I can I guess. I really don't have the answers right now. Well, I do. Being able to articulate them into a blog post at this point is something that I can't do.

Did this make any sense? Probably not. But that's okay. And really...I'm okay, too. Just trying to dig deep into the heart of a few tough things right now. The purpose behind this blog is only 1 portion of it right now.

2 comments:

Corey said...

I wonder if what you're saying is not that you're going to stop beating yourself up (although I think maybe in some ways you ARE saying that, and I think that's GOOD, because you DESERVE that) but that it's time to allow yourself to heal a little. And that this blog has been a place to allow you to hash it out, and to grieve, but it has also been a place for you to beat yourself up. And maybe it's time that you are allowed to be not JUST a RAD mom.. not JUST a mom of a disrupted adoption.. but also YOU. G. A wife and a mother with a happy family. Maybe it's okay to put away the empty stocking on the PEACE that isn't there anyway and focus on the LOVE that IS.

You deserve some happiness, G. We all do. GO for it!

Diana said...

Letting go and moving forward from anything isn't easy. When you put that empty red stocking away, though, don't leave it empty. Let it be a shrine and physical container for all the regret you still carry with you. Let it hold the hurt and the pain. Whether you physically keep that stocking or not is up to you. It may need to physically untouched in the decoration box for a time, or you may be able to let it leave your life now. Only you know the answer to that one. I don't know. What I do know, though, is that the healing journey is worth it. It sucks buckets at times. Sometimes it requires a walk in the dark for a bit, but I promise that when you emerge on the other side of the tunnel, you will find light and peace and love.

I agree with Corey. It's ok to move on and heal. You deserve to find joy in life again. I'll keep following you wherever you land, too :-)