no matter how hard you try.....
no matter how prepared you are.....
no matter how long down the road POST disruption you are.....
There is just no preparing yourself for some of the unbelievable shitty thoughts, feelings, emotions, ect ect....that comes with truly missing your child. Or in my case...my son.
I can't even begin to share what the last few days has been like. Today, has been the tip of what I hope and pray is the iceberg. Because damn it all...I really can't afford for it not to be. Seriously.
I see where this all started a week or so before our Thanksgiving vacation to Utah and Las Vegas.
"Oh' look at this Charlie Brown Tree...how cute is that?"
"Oh' don't you think we should do something like that this year?"
"Well, we do have 2 kittens and a psycho 9 mo old LITTLE DOG puppy"
My dh liked the idea because....well he doesn't like putting the tree up. Hell, he never does it so I dont' know what the hell is his problem. Then it was the animals. Because if 2 kids weren't enough and if you can't adopt any more...you might as just create yourself a dang zoo....2 kittens, 2 dogs...anything else we need?
Then I had my friend tell me about "Upside Down Trees". They are awesome. They are expensive.
I can't just put the tree up on my own you see....because the friggn thing isn't even AT my house. It is in our storage shed. That is a HOLE other issue and post for my main blog. But the moral of that story is...I have no damn clue WHERE the storage unit is. Well, I do....but I don't. Like I couldn't find it because w/100 different units looking the same to me. Nope...not happening.
Anyway, we have ended up with a Charlie Brown Tree. The Red Bulb that came w/it. And 2 xtra ornaments.
My heart is really hurting. We've never not had a tree. I don't have the energy to fight it. My dh is not interested in putting it up, getting it for me, or any of that other crap. And putting up the tree is yet another reminder that we are no longer a family of 5...but a family of 4.
Last year we had Nia. And even though she came with her own bag of trials.....I loved that girl deeply...just as I love(d) Corry deeply.
Today is one of the SOME DAYS...you can't prepare for. Because no matter how prepared you think you are....you will never be! OR At least I'm not.