Saturday, June 19, 2010

Heart broken - (REALLY LONG)

~not just because of my own life situations and stuff but for other families who are walking this same journey. For mothers who have lost their sons (and daughters)....from disruption, from poor choices, from whatever it may be.

I've been told several times over the last few weeks that I should just let the tears flow. Instead, the tears are there. Behind the surface. Slowly creeping out onto the surface. Slowly.

I guess maybe it is my body's way of subconsciously saying 'you've been dealing w/this for too many years, get up and get over it Gala". And so instead maybe, i don't know, maybe it is more of a numb place of grief and healing that I'm in... Sure I feel it all right just numb.

My last post I talked about a young man, similiar in age and circumstances, as Cor whose life had ended. His body was found on Monday morning.

Over the last several days there have been several reports regarding what happened to this young man.

I don't listen to the news, unless it comes on the radio. Several years ago I had a therapist tell me I needed to stop listening to the news. There was to many horrific things that would just cause me to explode inside. That those news reports would break me. For the most part, I took that advice (I'll tell you why...hold on) to heart as much as possible. Unless, the news is on the radio, rarely do I ever turn the news on to LISTEN or WATCH IT!! Nearly all of the news I hear or see is because I look it up on the local stations online. When this therapist and I had this conversation a few years ago (stay w/me...this will make sense in a moment or so), she adviced me to 'pick and choose what I wanted to read. If you read a headline that says "Youth rapes 2 different women on same day" you can choose to NOT read it. If you read a headline that says "Metro employee sues City of M over discrimination" and because you work for the City of M_ aand you want to read can.

So that has been my motto for the last few years. Read/listen to what you want, forget the rest. Rarely ever do I listen and/or read information regarding horrifying acts. It hits to close to home.
That being said, it has been very hard to not listen to the news report of a young man, simliar in age, adopted, in foster home bc of whatever, who died sometime in the last hours of Sunday night/early Monday.

It has been even harder reading/hearing the reports of what happened and why to this young man. Equally, hard and this has been where the tears have flown at abudance off and on over the last few the person who ended this young mans life. He, too...just a kid. I don't know his background. I don't want to know his background.Becuase if I know might just anger me even more or make me even more sick. I look at the picture in the paper of his mother, sobbing, shortly after her sons initial court appearance. And, I picture myself, in that very same seat. Wearing the very same clothing. Thinking the very same thing that she must be thinking.

Guess what? This young man, it isn't his first time appearing before a judge. No, it isn't. You know what? Several years ago, he at the ripe age of 13 commited a very horrible crime. One that he only received 2 yrs in a juv. detention. Maybe it was a little longer. I don't know. I've not read that much into why. I can't.

That same child, that 13 year one of the very reasons WHY I stopped reading the papers. At that very time, Cor was 11 or 12ish. It hit to close to home.

What did our justice system do for this child?
Did they offer him help? I really don't know.

I can't cry. I can't. I'm to damn numb. What has the justice system done for my child? Nothing. Some might read this and think "well, you've not done much for him either." thank you very can save your fingers and know that I've thought the same thing.

Motive: He was mad. Mad because someone didn't pick him up at the bus stop (which btw makes me even more upset bc I drive those bus stops). He wanted this young mans cell phone. He robbed him of his shoes and cell phone. Seriously? You are so damn angry that you not only steal something as LITTLE as a damn cell phone and shoes but then you kick the life out of another human being?

Now what? Life in prison? For what? A pair of damn shoes that were 2 sizes to big and a damn phone? Beause you were mad?

I've lived it. I've seen it. I've seen the rage in my pre-teen childs face that led to pure rage. Rage that hurt not only myself but my babies. I've lived those gasps of breath that my newborn took after the kitchen chair landed on him....and seen the rage and udder dispair and broken-ness in my childs eyes.

Two broken souls. Both ended on Sunday evening. One in breathe/life and one in spirit.

This entire thing is wrong. So incredible wrong it makes me sick. Seriously, physically ill. Yeah. I can't cry. I haven't cried (today anyway). Instead, after I read the news article in the paper, I promptly got out of my bus and vomitted.

I started this post last night. I had to go back and retype most of it because there were to many 4+ letter words that needed to be edited.

This morning, Diana, wrote "I cried Today".

Different...but the same.

I know that if my current therapist would read what I'm about to write...well...I know what she would say. So J_ if you read your breathe!!

There are many days/nights that I can't sleep.
That I lay awake in complete and udder fear.
Fear that that next unknown knock on my door.....
That I might run into him on the street.........
That I might open up tomorrows paper.......

and the news would be...just what I read this week. That the child that we had such high hopes for - took someone elses' life.

Fear that his anger and rage would be directed at me.....and the 1 sure bet to hurt me would be to hurt one of my children or family members.

This is the stuff that keeps me stuck...

Stuck in grief.
Stuck in anger.
Stuck in everything that is/was/will ever be....

The comments...if you only loved him more. They STICK like glue.
The comments....if you're bio child did this. They STICK like glue.
The just try to save the world. They STICK like.

This is the stuff that rips my soul. Every bit of what I've wrote on this, last week, last month, last year....every single word.

This is the stuff that truly rips my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ apart...the stuff that I said today, last week, last month, last year. EVERY BIT OF IT.

I know my Father in Heaven loves each of us.
I know my Father in Heaven is all loving Father.

I believe in the atonment of Jesus Christ. And unfortunately, because the things that I've shared today, last week, last month, last year.....this testimony and faith have faltered.

I can not agree, nor will I ever...(in my opinion today) that I will ever agree that my son knew before he came to earth the trials he would be given, that he would essentially be w/o a family/parents, that he knew in the pre-existence that WE would choose to disrupt, that he would age out in treatment facilities....

I just can't wrap my head around that. It makes no sense to me. That he would send someone to this earth - knowing that their days are numbered (I do believe this) but that they are numbered as a serial killer? As a 13 yr old rapist? As a 17 yr old murder?

I just can't. I can't believe that I my Father in Heaven would say to me "Gala, you are going to go thru x years of infertility, then your church leaders that you love and trust...they are going to lie to you so that you will then become a mom....blah blah blah broken record I am I know....

I've rambled. I guess, I went from trying to write a 'well thought out and such post" to completely loosing my schlict!! BTW: tears are plentiful now!

1 comment:

Diana said...

That doctrine you can't quite wrap your head around doesn't sound quite correct to me, so I wouldn't waste too much effort trying to wrap your head around it. I believe we knew we WOULD have trials, and some of them would be really tough to get through. But, I don't think we knew specifically what they would be. If we had, I doubt many of us would have made the choice to come. I also don't believe that our Heavenly Father causes trials and suffering. Because of the precious gift of agency, He does allow them, but I don't think He takes joy in watching us struggle.

What I do know for sure though, is that by clinging to whatever shred of faith you have left and inviting Christ to heal your heart, you will find your way back and you will be richly blessed in the process.

The people are not perfect. No way are they perfect. Sometimes the people screw up big time, too. But the Atonement IS still perfect...and it is still bigger than all of this. Seek it. Let it heal your heart. The process isn't easy, but it is worth it.