~Life as I Know It~

I've taken a break from my blog over the last year and half.  You may notice there are several blog posts that are no longer published.  Give me some time and they will be back.  One of the main things I am going to be doing is taking the full name of my children out of posts.  There may still be some here and there in the ones that I have choose to publish.

Things have changed quite a bit in our family.  And yet at the same time things are the same.  My oldest will be 15 and youngest will be 12 in August.  J and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in January of this year.  

The last I knew Cor was headed (or in) prison.  As callus as it might sound...it is a good place for him.  He has a roof over his head and meals provided.  He will be given medication.  He is safe from the outside world.  My family and I are safe.  That my friends is comforting to my heart.  There is healing in knowing we are all safe, for now.

Last September I had the opportunity to attend the Utah Trauma Moms Retreat.  Just as going to Orlando was life changing.  Going to the Utah moms retreat was life changing.  It was something that I needed to do for me.  There was some major upheaval in my life at that time. However, at the end of the retreat it was very clear to me that I would never miss again.  The retreat has changed into something bigger and better.  Hope Rising was born and the dream to bring multiple retreats throughout the United States was born. There is a ton of exciting new things happening.  I'm thankful to be a part of this group ladies.  Who have a mission of truly offering support to families with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  More importantly, a mission of helping each of the moms we support know their true value, self worth, and find healing from the depths of despair.

Recently, I wrote a post called "Beautiful Heartbreak" as a guest blogger.

Broken, Tattered, and Shattered

Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.

Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often)  that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation. 

I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.

Until today.

This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours.  Not one message was left.  None.  He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period.  But often, not several in one day.  DH didn't answer them.  He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried.  Three calls in 2 hours?  Could something be wrong?  Could he be ill? 

I turned to FB and did some lurking.  I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour.  BM/FM are no loner friends on FB.  Interesting. 

Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor.  The 2nd call there was a message left.  He refused to listen to it.  Said he didn't care.  I can't fault him for not talking to Cor.  And doing so only when he feels like he can.  He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around.  It is energy draining for him.  And I accept and understand that.  Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners.  The last message wasn't a very nice one.  And left both my dh and I in a bad spot.  So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.

Today is my day off.  We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message.  I still said "So, what did Corry want?"  He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.

It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid.  What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by.  And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!

Oi!!  We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor.  We love him.  We've always loved him.  We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had.  We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help.  No amount of anything was helpful.  If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.

DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.

Cor is in jail.  Big person jail.  She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds.  True.  But in all reality, not really.  He attempted to hurt her.  I believe he did hurt her.  Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

DH told FM lots and lots of stuff.  As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation.  I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit.  James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!).  And FM said "OMG...I know.  You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes.  He highly respects you and what you tell him.  If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard.  Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me".  She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home.  Which she hasn't believed.  But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home. 

Fuck.  Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.

The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him.  Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him?  Me. 

It is probably best that I not hear that from him.  I might just end up abusing him.  Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am.  So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.

I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had.  This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home.  She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING. 

Fuck.  REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.

I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his care....you know the SAME ONE for the last 10 years....run his ass over.  Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street.  He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm.  Better yet in a blizzard.  Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.

I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel.  I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum.  Guess what? I really don't care.  Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum.  And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act. 

He failed this kid.

Again and again and again....

If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work.  If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work.  We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.

Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.

Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.

The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.

RAD vs PDD/Autism

I'm glad Beth posted a reply today in mentioning a child she was/is working with as an O.T.

I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.

He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....

When it comes down to it...

The DX was/is the same...

~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~

Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?

It would make so much sense or would it?

It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".

Hmmm.....

The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.

My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.

There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".

We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...

The list goes on and on.

C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think nope...it would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.

Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).

Start of 2nd Grade

The school district decided it would be best not start the year with an IEP. Because my inlaws had llied to us. The reports we got from the school in Utah were conflicting - we went w/o IEP. We had a behaviour plan and permission to restrain and/or physically remove C from the classroom as needed.

With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your fault..you need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.

We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you know...as the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).

Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.

Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.

There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.

Something....somewhere...needs to give!!

More on "Our Story"...

Last that I posted in regards to "Our Story"...we were living in LV and Corry was in Utah w/my inlaws. We moved backk to WI because "I" missed my family. I was pregnant. I was homesick. Our marriage was falling apart.

So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over again...so to speak.

On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.

About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" desk...it wsa the "family" desk.

The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....

His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...

His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!

This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....

It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.

WOW...

It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.

Bullshit!!

I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!

So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.

He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.

So we start this journey on a new page...

Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....

Post Intensive - Can't Hurt Me...

Who can I? That was the motto...

If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?

Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.

After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.

"I can hurt my mom...by hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.

How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.

Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".

I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.

Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).

Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.

Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.

There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...

He knew he could hurt me...by hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.

As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????

To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.

This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You know...you might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).

So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.

I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!

Attachment Therapy and Abuse Allegations w/bio family and Church Attendance

When we started attachment therapy, as I said before, we seen some strides. We had some hope. Most of all we were surrounded with a group of parents and professionals who had btdt and had the bruises to prove it. That in and of itself was great comfort.

One of the things that I liked about the A.T model is that "WE" - meaning my DH and I were always present for therapy.

Prior to finding our M our A.T. we had been taking Corry to therapy at a county facility that we were referred to. Often, Corry would see just the therapist by hiimself. She would rarely talk to us. At 4 1/2-5 yrs old...I felt it was imparative that "I" be involved in therapy. not that I was trying to be in control. But how can this be helpful if I dont' know what is going on. Not to mention that Corry was the master of manipulation. He was the master of triagulation.

In August of 2000 (year we started A.T) I had the honor to accompany Nancy Thomas to a seminar that she was doing here in WI. I was able to spend 2 hrs w/her each way in the car and during that 2 hrs...we talked about Corry. I was with the founders of the foundation that we had been involved with. Who were involved in having Nancy Thomas come and speak and all that other jazz. I thought that I was in 7th Heaven. I spent the entire day soaking up every thing that she could give me. I had hope!! I had a renewed energy... That evening we went to Red Lobster. Because it was my baby's first birthday the next day and she still nursed exclusively we stopped by my home so we could pick up the baby and go to dinner. Again, it was a great experience. One that I will never forget!!

During one of the AT sessions early on out of the blue Corry mentioned what his grandfather had done to him. I sat there w/my chin on the floor. Trying to pick it up off the floor. This child had never heard James or I talk about the allegations his grandmother had stated. He knew nothing about them to our knowledge. Therefore, this had to be completely on his own will....NOT MADE UP!!!

We had told M. it was suspected and that the county did their investigation. However, they NEVER spoke with Corry. EVER. The bio grandparents went to a psychiatrist who said they had "a breakdown" and therefore, she "was seeing things' and Bio G..didn't do it. Whatever...we believed this for the time being.

We had allowed Corry to see his bio grandparents until this point. We limited visits. We did not allow overnight visits. Usually, they were on a set day of the week and at a set time.

Well, the particular day that Corry told M and I about what his Grandpa had did to him happened to be a "visit" day. M and I discussed how she didn't feel it was still happening. And that if we stopped visits immediately with the grandparents than he would associate the two. So, later that day I allowed him to go see his Grandparents.

It was his last visit w/them. He did see them one other time w/us @ a restraunt for about an hour. And that was it.

Few days later we received a phone call from DCFS stating we were to have no contact with them until after the investigation was over. So...contact ended. We were also not allowed to talk to him about what he had said to us in the therapy appt. Which was VERY VERY hard because Corry would bring it up. Few weeks later James took Corry to an interview with the DCFS and detectives.

This didn't go so well. Basically, Corry told the detectives during the "play" therapy interview what happened AND that he confronted his grandpa and grandma on the day he saw them the last time. His grandpa told him that "you shouldn't lie ...if you lie then grandpa will go to jail...blah blah blah" HELLO..Birth MOm was in Jail...And well Corry basically told the detectives what they needed to hear but he also said "I must be lyiing because my grandpa told me I was." There was nothing that could be done about it. Nothing at all!!

I know that the kid could lie. I know that he made up some wild stories. However, I feel very strongly that 5 yr olds don't make up stories about sexual abuse. They don't make up stories that "match nearly word for word" what bio grandma had not only told me but others she saw Grandpa do....

This is a very sore subject with me. I have a lot of resentment towards the system and bio grandparents for this. Not that it happened, but because there has been no responsibility whatsoever taken by them.

When I look at this from a spiritual aspect - I can honestly say that it is one of the reasons why I am inactive today. I hold so much anger and resentment and hatred towards his Grandfather that I have let it take over me.

I want to go back to church.
I want to have the testimony that I once had.
I want my children to be involved and active.

Yet, I have let it take over me. It kills me inside when I think of how it has taken over me and I am at a point where I can't move fwd.

I know deep in my heart my father in heaven loves me. He loves my children. He wants me to return to church.

I guess the thing that prevents me is the anger. And it isn't just in regards to this "one particular" issue. His Grandparents went on to serve a full-time couples mission.... His God and My God are the same person...We have the same beliefs. Last time I checked...this is not something that he should have been going on a mission for.

Anyway....this is just one of many reasons why I don't go to church.

If you are LDS and are reading this....I would LOVE to hear your support. I would LOVE to know your thoughts, feelings, experiences with soemthing like this.

There is something missing when we do go to church. I look at all these families and I am missing someone in my family. Some of these families knew us when we first adopted Corry. They will ask us wehre he is, why he isn't with us...I can't or don't want to talk about it.

I just want people to understand. Reality is...NO ONE will EVER understand unless they have lived threw this. Which means...my bishop - has no clue how much I miss my little boy, how angry that I am he was abused....how I 2nd guess myself that "maybe if I didn't let him have visits for that year and a half after we got him...he might have bonded with me....maybe this...maybe that...maybe if I would have just did this or that...he would still be with me today!!

Tears on the First Day of Kindergarten

12 days after A was born C started kindergarten. We were all so excited. I was more than excited.

We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL

We waited for this day for a long time.

The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.

At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...

And they all marched off to their first day of schools.

Moms and dads all crying.

This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....

I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?

I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...

"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"

"I'm Going to Kill this Baby"

We finalized in April. From April to August was a bit of a blur.

I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.

My love....was not enough!!!!

During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".

I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!

Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".

Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.

Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).

We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.

Our baby is born....Next

My feelings TODAY....

**I need to just say writing this much harder than I ever expected it would be. There are many memories that I have not thought about in many years. There are many warning signs, problems, and just plain anger that I have not thought about and/or even came close to dealing with. For 9 years this stuff has been stuffed really deep w/in my heart. I guess in a way to protect myself and C.

There is so much that I want to write about. There is so much that I think I need to write about. There is so much I think that needs to be wrote about. The emotions and memories have come flooding foward quickier than I ever thought they would be. I really thought that I would right this - the basics would be told and bla bla bla...

Nope, that just isn't the case. Please bear with me. I will say again this is more for my own therapy than it is for anything else. If on the way I say something that is helpful to someone else along the way - wonderful!! I know how I've searched and read and searched some more to find something...just something that would sing to my heart....something that would say this is normal for you to be thinking and/or feeling!!

There is nothing normal about what we went through. There is nothing normal about what you are going through.

I do believe there is hope. I do believe our kiddos deserve every ounce of help, love, determination that we can give them. And in the end if it isn't enough - than we go to bed at night knowing deep down that we did do what we could. Even though, right now as I right this I know I did all I could. My heart doesn't always think so!!

So..there you have it...my feelings for today!!!

Discussion on Attachment Disorder

Little did I know that the idiotic conversation that the SW would have with us on Attatchment Disorder would be what we would end up facing.

He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it later...it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.

That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!

Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.

Always a First

There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.

I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.

I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!

You are not alone.

I was not alone.

This is something that I need to remember.

What is the purpose of this blog?

It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.

The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...

Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.

It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.

It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!

:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!