He's Home...What Next

We had somewhat of a plan in place before C came back home. We lived in a small town. Small school and so forth.

Two weeks after C came back home I woke up on morning having contractions. I had already been told by my OB under no circumstances should I labor. I had a planned c-section for Aug. 12th and that was going to be that. We lived an hour away from the hospital I needed to go to.

Well, needless to say that was the start of a very long summer!! My labor was stopped and I was sent home to be on bedrest. Lovely...I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 7 1/2 yr old, I'm 30 weeks pg, my husband works and hour + plus away....and i'm on bedrest.

That didn't go over very well.

C honeymooned w/us for a very short time. Then was back to his "normal" self. I was somewhat shocked. My inlaws were so convincing that C was doing great with them. I called the school to get reports, IEP and speak to the principal and teachers. Hmmm...we had been lied to beyond belief. This child was not doing well at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We decided that we needed to start calling the cops every time he would rage or hurt someone . If we didn't then we were setting ourselves up for problems. We got him in w/a psychiatrist who didn't think I was the problem. (My mom worked with him and he was fully aware of our situation) We also had him in therapy. Not the same therapist as before. I think (my mind is playing games w/me...I can't remember 100%) we had a few appts with her. But because she was in Madison and we were an hour away - pregnant. It just wasn't good match for us.

We lived through the summer. Our baby was born as planned at the VERY FIRST prenatal visit and blessed us with his sweet presence via c-section on Aug. 12th. He did not have down syndrome. He was 100% healthy. (Ultra sound detected DS features as did labwork) Our prayers were answered!!!

School started 2-3 weeks later. WOW....did things go backwards fromt here. They were going backwards. But not until school started.

Post Intensive - Can't Hurt Me...

Who can I? That was the motto...

If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?

Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.

After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.

"I can hurt my mom...by hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.

How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.

Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".

I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.

Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).

Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.

Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.

There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...

He knew he could hurt me...by hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.

As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????

To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.

This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You know...you might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).

So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.

I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!

Intensive - Post Intensive

In October 2000 we did a mini-intensive with Deborah Hage. Deborah traveled to WI and spent 5 days working with Corry, James and I. Our intensive was in the afternoon. We were very lucky to have the support of the non-profit group who not only helped us finance the intensive but provided child care for our 14 month old - Abi. Since Abi would not go to anyone but the owner of the foundation it was very helpful to have our baby with us in the same building as the therapy session.

It wasn't easy. It was very hard. Not only for Corry but for myself and husband. I have to say that there are parts of this journey that my mind has blocked out. I truthfully, can not remember. Quite honestly there is not much about the intensive that I can remember.

I can/will say that I remember Deborah's loving, soft and sweet voice. I remember her telling me what an awesome job I was doing as Corry's mom. How I was doing what I knew to do. That I was loving him as much as I could. Even though my love wasn't enough - he was getting it. He was testing it.

That week I learned that "I" could no longer let Corry hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. That I was an awesome mom and it was up to "HIM" if he wanted to heal. This was a turning point for me. Until this point I had been trying to change me. I felt that if I loved him more that things would get better. Clearly this was not the case. Clearly I was loving him enough. I learned to look at Corry in a different light. He was sick. And it was my job to help him heal as much as he would let me. Maybe that isn't exactly what it was about...but that is what I think "today"....

One of the things that I do remember is something that is very hard for me to share. It is very hard for me to admit. I sometimes wonder if we would have listened and followed suit at that time if "I" would be as hurt today? If Cor would have been as hurt today? If our life would have changed drastically on the emotional end of this journey. She told us that Corry needed much more intensive supervision than we could give him. Not that what we were doing wasn't good. not that we didnt' love him...but that she didn't think we would be able to keep Abi safe. As our therapist it was her job to "tell" us what she forseen. We didn't believe her. Corry had never acted out towards smaller children. He had never hurt Abi. He was very protective of his baby sister. To our knowledge....

We didn't want to believe her. It took several years before we were able to really believe that we couldn't keep our younger children safe.

We did eventually end up terminating our parental rights. Actually, we did not pursue the TPR. The state in which we live did!!!!

We were warned that post -intensive things would get better and then worse. Most likely then they would get better again. We were very excited for the coming months. We were very hopeful that this was the begining of our healing.

AND.....

Things started going rather well. Corry was doing better in school. We were getting less calls. Things at night were getting better. We were so happy. So relieved. There were 10 steps fwd....11 back....5 fwd....4 back....6 fwd....2 back....2 fwd...5 back....10 back.....

I think it would be best to start the next section of this in a different post............

Attachment Therapy and Abuse Allegations w/bio family and Church Attendance

When we started attachment therapy, as I said before, we seen some strides. We had some hope. Most of all we were surrounded with a group of parents and professionals who had btdt and had the bruises to prove it. That in and of itself was great comfort.

One of the things that I liked about the A.T model is that "WE" - meaning my DH and I were always present for therapy.

Prior to finding our M our A.T. we had been taking Corry to therapy at a county facility that we were referred to. Often, Corry would see just the therapist by hiimself. She would rarely talk to us. At 4 1/2-5 yrs old...I felt it was imparative that "I" be involved in therapy. not that I was trying to be in control. But how can this be helpful if I dont' know what is going on. Not to mention that Corry was the master of manipulation. He was the master of triagulation.

In August of 2000 (year we started A.T) I had the honor to accompany Nancy Thomas to a seminar that she was doing here in WI. I was able to spend 2 hrs w/her each way in the car and during that 2 hrs...we talked about Corry. I was with the founders of the foundation that we had been involved with. Who were involved in having Nancy Thomas come and speak and all that other jazz. I thought that I was in 7th Heaven. I spent the entire day soaking up every thing that she could give me. I had hope!! I had a renewed energy... That evening we went to Red Lobster. Because it was my baby's first birthday the next day and she still nursed exclusively we stopped by my home so we could pick up the baby and go to dinner. Again, it was a great experience. One that I will never forget!!

During one of the AT sessions early on out of the blue Corry mentioned what his grandfather had done to him. I sat there w/my chin on the floor. Trying to pick it up off the floor. This child had never heard James or I talk about the allegations his grandmother had stated. He knew nothing about them to our knowledge. Therefore, this had to be completely on his own will....NOT MADE UP!!!

We had told M. it was suspected and that the county did their investigation. However, they NEVER spoke with Corry. EVER. The bio grandparents went to a psychiatrist who said they had "a breakdown" and therefore, she "was seeing things' and Bio G..didn't do it. Whatever...we believed this for the time being.

We had allowed Corry to see his bio grandparents until this point. We limited visits. We did not allow overnight visits. Usually, they were on a set day of the week and at a set time.

Well, the particular day that Corry told M and I about what his Grandpa had did to him happened to be a "visit" day. M and I discussed how she didn't feel it was still happening. And that if we stopped visits immediately with the grandparents than he would associate the two. So, later that day I allowed him to go see his Grandparents.

It was his last visit w/them. He did see them one other time w/us @ a restraunt for about an hour. And that was it.

Few days later we received a phone call from DCFS stating we were to have no contact with them until after the investigation was over. So...contact ended. We were also not allowed to talk to him about what he had said to us in the therapy appt. Which was VERY VERY hard because Corry would bring it up. Few weeks later James took Corry to an interview with the DCFS and detectives.

This didn't go so well. Basically, Corry told the detectives during the "play" therapy interview what happened AND that he confronted his grandpa and grandma on the day he saw them the last time. His grandpa told him that "you shouldn't lie ...if you lie then grandpa will go to jail...blah blah blah" HELLO..Birth MOm was in Jail...And well Corry basically told the detectives what they needed to hear but he also said "I must be lyiing because my grandpa told me I was." There was nothing that could be done about it. Nothing at all!!

I know that the kid could lie. I know that he made up some wild stories. However, I feel very strongly that 5 yr olds don't make up stories about sexual abuse. They don't make up stories that "match nearly word for word" what bio grandma had not only told me but others she saw Grandpa do....

This is a very sore subject with me. I have a lot of resentment towards the system and bio grandparents for this. Not that it happened, but because there has been no responsibility whatsoever taken by them.

When I look at this from a spiritual aspect - I can honestly say that it is one of the reasons why I am inactive today. I hold so much anger and resentment and hatred towards his Grandfather that I have let it take over me.

I want to go back to church.
I want to have the testimony that I once had.
I want my children to be involved and active.

Yet, I have let it take over me. It kills me inside when I think of how it has taken over me and I am at a point where I can't move fwd.

I know deep in my heart my father in heaven loves me. He loves my children. He wants me to return to church.

I guess the thing that prevents me is the anger. And it isn't just in regards to this "one particular" issue. His Grandparents went on to serve a full-time couples mission.... His God and My God are the same person...We have the same beliefs. Last time I checked...this is not something that he should have been going on a mission for.

Anyway....this is just one of many reasons why I don't go to church.

If you are LDS and are reading this....I would LOVE to hear your support. I would LOVE to know your thoughts, feelings, experiences with soemthing like this.

There is something missing when we do go to church. I look at all these families and I am missing someone in my family. Some of these families knew us when we first adopted Corry. They will ask us wehre he is, why he isn't with us...I can't or don't want to talk about it.

I just want people to understand. Reality is...NO ONE will EVER understand unless they have lived threw this. Which means...my bishop - has no clue how much I miss my little boy, how angry that I am he was abused....how I 2nd guess myself that "maybe if I didn't let him have visits for that year and a half after we got him...he might have bonded with me....maybe this...maybe that...maybe if I would have just did this or that...he would still be with me today!!