In October 2000 we did a mini-intensive with Deborah Hage. Deborah traveled to WI and spent 5 days working with Corry, James and I. Our intensive was in the afternoon. We were very lucky to have the support of the non-profit group who not only helped us finance the intensive but provided child care for our 14 month old - Abi. Since Abi would not go to anyone but the owner of the foundation it was very helpful to have our baby with us in the same building as the therapy session.
It wasn't easy. It was very hard. Not only for Corry but for myself and husband. I have to say that there are parts of this journey that my mind has blocked out. I truthfully, can not remember. Quite honestly there is not much about the intensive that I can remember.
I can/will say that I remember Deborah's loving, soft and sweet voice. I remember her telling me what an awesome job I was doing as Corry's mom. How I was doing what I knew to do. That I was loving him as much as I could. Even though my love wasn't enough - he was getting it. He was testing it.
That week I learned that "I" could no longer let Corry hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. That I was an awesome mom and it was up to "HIM" if he wanted to heal. This was a turning point for me. Until this point I had been trying to change me. I felt that if I loved him more that things would get better. Clearly this was not the case. Clearly I was loving him enough. I learned to look at Corry in a different light. He was sick. And it was my job to help him heal as much as he would let me. Maybe that isn't exactly what it was about...but that is what I think "today"....
One of the things that I do remember is something that is very hard for me to share. It is very hard for me to admit. I sometimes wonder if we would have listened and followed suit at that time if "I" would be as hurt today? If Cor would have been as hurt today? If our life would have changed drastically on the emotional end of this journey. She told us that Corry needed much more intensive supervision than we could give him. Not that what we were doing wasn't good. not that we didnt' love him...but that she didn't think we would be able to keep Abi safe. As our therapist it was her job to "tell" us what she forseen. We didn't believe her. Corry had never acted out towards smaller children. He had never hurt Abi. He was very protective of his baby sister. To our knowledge....
We didn't want to believe her. It took several years before we were able to really believe that we couldn't keep our younger children safe.
We did eventually end up terminating our parental rights. Actually, we did not pursue the TPR. The state in which we live did!!!!
We were warned that post -intensive things would get better and then worse. Most likely then they would get better again. We were very excited for the coming months. We were very hopeful that this was the begining of our healing.
AND.....
Things started going rather well. Corry was doing better in school. We were getting less calls. Things at night were getting better. We were so happy. So relieved. There were 10 steps fwd....11 back....5 fwd....4 back....6 fwd....2 back....2 fwd...5 back....10 back.....
I think it would be best to start the next section of this in a different post............
1 comment:
It's great that you had attachment resources. We took Jeff to a regular child counselor and he played her--"If you were my mom, I wouldn't steal." "You're so nice that I know I wouldn't do bad things if you were my mom...." You get the picture. He was always the victim of my lack of love or poor parenting. Ugh. I wonder if things would have been different with an attachment therapist. Yep, I still play the "if only" game.
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