Sunday, April 13, 2008

After Finalization

After we finalized our adoption our sons behaviors and issues went from bad to worse.

We thought we struggled before. We had no clue what was about to hit us.

Something was not right. Something wasn't right from the very begining. I knew something wasn't right... I was need to love him more, you need to give him some time. You need...

The other issue at hand was that "I" was the "ONLY" person who spent hours upon hour every day with this little boy. I was the "ONLY" person who was with him from the moment he woke up. Until the moment he fell asleep. "I" was the "ONLY" person who was having these horrific behaviors directed to.

After we finalized we had an "Adoption" party. Very similiar to a birthday/baby shower. Only the "child" was not a newborn. He was 4 1/2 yrs old. We were so excited. We were so happy.

It was a Sunday morning and I had slept in. My little gem was so sweet. Every morning he would wake up, come up stairs to my room w/a sippy cup (left in the fridge) and a snack that was prepared. He would wake me up and we would lay in bed and watch tv. I spent a majority of my prenancy on and off of bedrest. This particular day C didn't come upstairs....

I went down to find him and he was playing with all his new toys. He had dressed himself in one of his sweet new outfits. I was so proud of him for being such a big boy.

The look was a look that I will never forget. (He had many 'looks'..and theyweren't good). I asked him "what was the problem?" He just kept saying "nothing". I was very sensative to smells and thought I was just over reacting to a "odd smell". I went and took a shower and when I came back downstairs I knew that odd' smell was not going away and it was pregnancy related.

What I found next nearly put me threw the roof. I still remember how horrified I was to find out that my 4 1/2 your little boy - crapped in the vanity bathroom (he had a bathroom in his bedroom). I was livid. I was really really livid.

If only I knew then what I knew now. I lost it. It was the first time I really really lost it. I did not touch him - in fear that if I spanked him (which was what he wanted and I knew that) Ii wouldn't stop. But I was livid.

Then I discovered urine in his room. Over the next few days/weeks I discovered more and more 'urine' in this child's room.

Why? What was I doing? I have given this child my life. I would lay down my life for him. And he was crapping and pissing in places that dogs/cats do?

What the heck?

When I called my mom that day she didn't believe me. Then she did and said "well, you knew it wouldn't be easy. You...You...You..."

So now it is my fault?

I didn't crap in the cupboard.
I didn't pee all over my toys.

My husband said the same thing..."you knew it wouldn't be easy. what were you doing that you didn't know he needed to go potty? What...You...What...You?"

I called LDS SS and was told "You finalized your adoption...there is nothing we can do to help you."


WOW....This was just the beginning of really long roller coaster.

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