Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Post Intensive - Can't Hurt Me...

Who can I? That was the motto...

If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?

Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.

After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.

"I can hurt my mom...by hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.

How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.

Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".

I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.

Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).

Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.

Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.

There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...

He knew he could hurt me...by hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.

As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????

To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.

This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You know...you might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).

So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.

I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!

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