Saturday, April 19, 2008

Attachment Therapy and Abuse Allegations w/bio family and Church Attendance

When we started attachment therapy, as I said before, we seen some strides. We had some hope. Most of all we were surrounded with a group of parents and professionals who had btdt and had the bruises to prove it. That in and of itself was great comfort.

One of the things that I liked about the A.T model is that "WE" - meaning my DH and I were always present for therapy.

Prior to finding our M our A.T. we had been taking Corry to therapy at a county facility that we were referred to. Often, Corry would see just the therapist by hiimself. She would rarely talk to us. At 4 1/2-5 yrs old...I felt it was imparative that "I" be involved in therapy. not that I was trying to be in control. But how can this be helpful if I dont' know what is going on. Not to mention that Corry was the master of manipulation. He was the master of triagulation.

In August of 2000 (year we started A.T) I had the honor to accompany Nancy Thomas to a seminar that she was doing here in WI. I was able to spend 2 hrs w/her each way in the car and during that 2 hrs...we talked about Corry. I was with the founders of the foundation that we had been involved with. Who were involved in having Nancy Thomas come and speak and all that other jazz. I thought that I was in 7th Heaven. I spent the entire day soaking up every thing that she could give me. I had hope!! I had a renewed energy... That evening we went to Red Lobster. Because it was my baby's first birthday the next day and she still nursed exclusively we stopped by my home so we could pick up the baby and go to dinner. Again, it was a great experience. One that I will never forget!!

During one of the AT sessions early on out of the blue Corry mentioned what his grandfather had done to him. I sat there w/my chin on the floor. Trying to pick it up off the floor. This child had never heard James or I talk about the allegations his grandmother had stated. He knew nothing about them to our knowledge. Therefore, this had to be completely on his own will....NOT MADE UP!!!

We had told M. it was suspected and that the county did their investigation. However, they NEVER spoke with Corry. EVER. The bio grandparents went to a psychiatrist who said they had "a breakdown" and therefore, she "was seeing things' and Bio G..didn't do it. Whatever...we believed this for the time being.

We had allowed Corry to see his bio grandparents until this point. We limited visits. We did not allow overnight visits. Usually, they were on a set day of the week and at a set time.

Well, the particular day that Corry told M and I about what his Grandpa had did to him happened to be a "visit" day. M and I discussed how she didn't feel it was still happening. And that if we stopped visits immediately with the grandparents than he would associate the two. So, later that day I allowed him to go see his Grandparents.

It was his last visit w/them. He did see them one other time w/us @ a restraunt for about an hour. And that was it.

Few days later we received a phone call from DCFS stating we were to have no contact with them until after the investigation was over. ended. We were also not allowed to talk to him about what he had said to us in the therapy appt. Which was VERY VERY hard because Corry would bring it up. Few weeks later James took Corry to an interview with the DCFS and detectives.

This didn't go so well. Basically, Corry told the detectives during the "play" therapy interview what happened AND that he confronted his grandpa and grandma on the day he saw them the last time. His grandpa told him that "you shouldn't lie ...if you lie then grandpa will go to jail...blah blah blah" HELLO..Birth MOm was in Jail...And well Corry basically told the detectives what they needed to hear but he also said "I must be lyiing because my grandpa told me I was." There was nothing that could be done about it. Nothing at all!!

I know that the kid could lie. I know that he made up some wild stories. However, I feel very strongly that 5 yr olds don't make up stories about sexual abuse. They don't make up stories that "match nearly word for word" what bio grandma had not only told me but others she saw Grandpa do....

This is a very sore subject with me. I have a lot of resentment towards the system and bio grandparents for this. Not that it happened, but because there has been no responsibility whatsoever taken by them.

When I look at this from a spiritual aspect - I can honestly say that it is one of the reasons why I am inactive today. I hold so much anger and resentment and hatred towards his Grandfather that I have let it take over me.

I want to go back to church.
I want to have the testimony that I once had.
I want my children to be involved and active.

Yet, I have let it take over me. It kills me inside when I think of how it has taken over me and I am at a point where I can't move fwd.

I know deep in my heart my father in heaven loves me. He loves my children. He wants me to return to church.

I guess the thing that prevents me is the anger. And it isn't just in regards to this "one particular" issue. His Grandparents went on to serve a full-time couples mission.... His God and My God are the same person...We have the same beliefs. Last time I checked...this is not something that he should have been going on a mission for.

Anyway....this is just one of many reasons why I don't go to church.

If you are LDS and are reading this....I would LOVE to hear your support. I would LOVE to know your thoughts, feelings, experiences with soemthing like this.

There is something missing when we do go to church. I look at all these families and I am missing someone in my family. Some of these families knew us when we first adopted Corry. They will ask us wehre he is, why he isn't with us...I can't or don't want to talk about it.

I just want people to understand. Reality is...NO ONE will EVER understand unless they have lived threw this. Which bishop - has no clue how much I miss my little boy, how angry that I am he was I 2nd guess myself that "maybe if I didn't let him have visits for that year and a half after we got him...he might have bonded with me....maybe this...maybe that...maybe if I would have just did this or that...he would still be with me today!!

1 comment:

Torina said...

My heart breaks for you. I know only too well what it is like to live with a child with reactive attachment disorder. Some days are OK and then other days...ugh. I always wondered how people could disrupt before my daughter came home. She had a disruption before us. Now I know. I don't blame that family. I know they were unprepared for the hell that she creates. I really feel bad for them and I wonder sometimes if I should contact them and see how they are doing, if they are okay. Even though we knew it wouldn't be easy and what she had been diagnosed with, it still takes everything out of me and some days I feel completely empty. Used up. You are in my thoughts. This is not your fault. You did your best. I will pray for you and yours :)