Sunday, June 22, 2008

Life Goes on I know...

But for today....I just don't want it to. 
Okay, so here is a ""I feel sorry for myself" post. There are days, even weeks, that pass and I feel "normal" again. If you know me, I have mentioned that my life will never be normal again. You don't choose to terminate your parental rights, live threw what we did w/our adopted child and feel normal. But you do discover that there is a "new normal". I am pretty sure I didn't coin this term myself. I am sure I read it or heard it somewhere, but is is true. You create a "new normal" for yourself.  It has been 2 month of 2 yrs since the TPR was final. It has been nearly 2 months over 2 yrs since I saw him last.  THere is not one single day that goes by that I don't think of, have regrets, feel guilt --extreme and thinnk "this is normal"

The past few days have been so incredibly difficult for me. I have been turning on God - why did He do this to us? Why did He choose for my C to have to go threw this? {lease don't think I have given up on God. I haven't. I know that we are never given more than we can handle. But I feel like I have been given more than I can handle sometimes. I don't sit around andd cry all the time. I am not in a depression hole and at risk of hurting myself. But I hurt. I cry. I miss my son.

I think about the things I am missing out on. I have 2 beautiful and happy children still living wiht me.  I should be happy.  I am not.  I have 2 children - one specifcally that I feel has some issues that were caused by the extreme amount of stress he was exposed  to as a developing fetus, not only because of that stress but medication that I took as an anti-depressant while pregnant.  I feel guilty on every aspect.  Yet, this doesn't stop me from...wanting to hold him in my arms, I wanting to kiss his boo boos. I wanted to watch him learn all about this world that we live in. I want to celebrate his 14th bd by going to Rhythmn and Booms this Saturday.  I want to celebrate "OUR" birthday's together.  But I will never get the chance to do that. I know that. I know that there is no bringing him back. I am not in denial. In fact, it is just the opposite. Every day it becomes more clear to me that C is not coming home. Yes, you may be thinking that I have lost my mind. It has been 2 yrs and I am just now realizing this? But this process takes time. I have been living my life like a dream, or a nightmare. I really thought I would wake up from this and everything would be okay. That C would get better.  That we would 'get a call' and...and....and...obviously, it isn't going to happen.
Life goes on....
My life must go on....
Everyone around me in my family, friends...their lives have went on.
Bry (5) thinks Cor is a "cousin".  Occasionally will askk "why can't we see all of our cousins?"
Ab (8) became extremely hyper-vigilant on Friday when she asked me "do you know where you are going...oh...WHAT....this is the way to where COR lives?  How do you know that?"  When I explained that "we are not going to the town and/or area where Cor lives.  However, this is the "way" to LaCrosse and that we will be turning a different direction ...she seemed a bit calmer.  However, one of the first things I heard come from her mouth was "Grandma, did you knwo that coming here to this campground to see you was on the way to the place that Cor lives?" 
There was no real "answer"...her life (my moms) has went with everyone else HE is a distant memory.

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