Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rocky Waves

Cocoa Beach, FL
I don't even know that I can truthfully blog about how incredible hurt I am right being one of those days.

Hell, I don't even know when the tears will stop falling.

I've started this blog post over and over and over again over the last hour or so.

I guess looking at the photo header "You Are Not Alone" is what I need to do.  Becuase right now, in my my my life as a whole....I am very much alone.  And that knife that has been jabbed into my heart so many times over the last 12 years just got a bit deeper.  Twisted a bit more and a bit deeper.

Someone please tell me again...Why in the hell did I ever want to adopt?  Why did I ever agree to adopt? Why?  Seriously!  Because something that I truly thought was sooooo very much what the Lord wanted us to do...has turned out to be so damn horrific and painful.  And continues to be a mess on my marriage.


Diana said...

:*(. The cross was painful, too, and not just for the Savior. And, I can only imagine how Abraham must have felt as his precious, longed for us to the alter to be sacrificed. I'm not saying that to minimize your pain. I know it's there and it cuts deep.

Have you ever heard the song "Anyway" by Martina McBride?

I like it very much. My daughter is actually singing it for an audition today. She chose it herself. As I was helping her with it it last night, we talked about putting passion into it. We talked about allowing this song to be a voice for all those things she's wanted to say but hasn't been able to give a voice to. As she was singing it, I started feeding her all kinds of stuff she could be passionate about...her brothers, our life, etc. Pretty soon she had tears rolling down her cheeks and wind in her sails. She found passion. And some of that pain found a voice. And that was worth the whole thing!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

So. So. Sorry.

I will be praying for you.

I do understand TOUGH times in marriage. (I don't know if you read my blog during January, but I really did not know if my marriage would survive. Praise the Lord ... He brought healing and forgiveness ... My marriage not only survived, but has truly been TRANSFORMED.)

Hugs to you!

Laurel :)