Wednesday, July 20, 2011

On Hope, Grieving, Hurting Parents, and maybe....more.

Not sure that I can/will accurately blog about what I really want to say.  However, I will give it a try. 

A few days ago I read a blog post that triggered a hot spot for me.  My initial response was to comment back.  To blog about it.  To say what I truly felt.  And then I decided not to.  "just keep your mouth shut..." and so I did.

I've not read the comments and honestly, I've not read any other blogs since reading this particular post.  It has just touched a sore spot w/me and I decided I needed to step back.  I've tried very hard in the last few weeks/months to step back as I get angry/mad about something.  "Is this about you? Why am I feeling as if this is a direct dig at me?  I did what I could with MY kid...." and on and on.  Trying to step back from what it was/is that sends me into that lil tail spin. 

So here goes it...my .02 cents.

I've spend a great deal of energy...angry at the entire situation at hand when it comes down to our adoption, disruption, years of in/out of treatment/respite, the damage done to my other children, ect ect....

At times...yes...I've been angry at my child.  Something that Deborah Hage and our local therapist told me over and over and over and over and over was.....This kid has the ability to heal.  He doesn't want to!  And this is something that I often discount. 

This will be semi short.  I can't accurately say what I want/need to say.   As I was sitting here writing this out, texting with Laurie and getting caught up on my google reader that I've not read since reading the original post that sent me in a tizzy....and prompted me to start writing this post.  I read a post by Corey.  I'm certain that just about anyone that reads my blog....reads Corey's.  So if you've not read her post she states what I'm thinking so much more eloquently.

I will wrap up with one more thought...when your child RAD or not...is hurting your other children.  In traumatic manner -- it is very hard to not be angry.  Even though I know the RAD/Mental illness part of my son did so much of the damage in my house.  I also know, that he purposefully hurt his brother.  When the child is able to turn it on/off at the drop of a hat and in the process....his newborn brother and toddler sister were hurt in the process.....yeah...it is really hard to not be angry.  It is really hard to not be angry that 5+ years later after we have disrupted we are still living the triangulation and bs on many levels.  We still get phone calls.  We still get bills.  It is really hard to not be angry....when the effects have been so life damaging and continue to wreak havoc on our lives.

3 comments:

stellarparenting.com said...

it's okay to be angry. You have been hurt and you have a right to feel angry cause it all sucks! I am out of the loop in terms of who wrote what but it's not your fault that he didn't change. hugs
J.

Baggage said...

Just found your blog, and am very interested to read. I have a RAD daughter.

Jillian and Crew said...

One of our kids is in an RTC right now in FLA...

Hard to know when to fight for healing and pray for healing and when to back up and let him decide to fight for it (or not) himself...

RAD sucks...