Friday, August 21, 2009

3 Years...

Several months ago Christine posted on her blog. 
She spoke volumes to me that day.  She may/may not have know it.  But she did.  At a particularly tough was the hug my heart needed.  There have been many days since that day in January...I have went back and re-read that post. 
Tonight, 3 yrs to the day after our disruption was finalized....
I went back and re-read the post!
Because heart needed to read it.  To know that someone else gets it. 
So often in my life, as it is today...many people don't know about our disruption.  Earlier this week I had contact w/some women who didn't know we had another child.  As I started to mention became painfully obvious that it wasn't something that A: could be understood and B: could be discussed...becaus of A.  Both of these 'incidents' occured with people who know we have 3 children at home. 
I'm often asked how many children I have. (My new work schedule has brought me in contact w/a TON of co-workers I've never had contact with before). 
Do I answer "2 biological and 1 foster"? 
Do I answer "3 children w/2 @ home and 1 foster daughter?"
Do I answer "I have 2 boys and 2 girls - 1 of the girls is a foster child?"

When a comment is made about the loss of a loved one.....
Do you answer "I've btdt..."
Do you just nod and know in your heart..."that this person could NEVER understand the extent of your heartache..."
These are all things that I still struggle with.  These are things that every single day go through my head...over...and...over...and..over!!
Then, like today...I am also reminded that not only 3 yrs ago today was I officially marked in the court system of the State of ___..I am no longer Cor's mom.  I am also reminded that 11 years a few short days..."I became a mom to this very same child..."

1 comment:

Laurel said...

Oh I am right there ... right now ...

We are disrupting. I've been "mama of 13" for 18 months. Who am I now?

I am being asked to erase every trace of our son from my blog ... how can I pretend that I was never "mama of 13"?

I would love your thoughts/insights if you would email me (address on side of my blog).

mama of ????