Conversation with Bry and Ab

This afternoon Ab babysat Bry for about an hour or so while we did some bd shopping for the 2 kids (their bd's are 1 day apart). It was dinner time. I was tired. James was tired. And we fell victim to eating out, again. In June the kids bought James and I a gift certificate (on their own) from R.oman C.andle. It is a little hip pizza joint across the street a block away. We called the kids and said "Do xyz and then meet us in 10 minutes at R.C". They were VERY EXCITED to have that responsibility. I was standing across the big street waiting for them to cross as they got to the end of our driveway.

We ate our wonderful pizza. While we were there 2 police officers walked in. Mind you - this is a rather 'mom/pop - neighoborhood ' type of place. I guess it took us off guard.

Bry was being a goon and some what obnoxious (what 8 yr old boy isn't, sometimes?). I made some comment that 'you better be good b/c that lady officer is sitting on the other side of this booth'.

And then it went something like this....

Bry: SOOO not like their gonna take me away.
Me: You don't always know that. You better be good.
Bry: NOOOO they won't. They can't arrest a 7 yr old kid.
Me: Um, yes honey they can and I'm glad you didn't really know that. But if you make poor choices...yes they could.
Bry: (laughing hysterically).....you are lying.
Me: Look at Ab...Ab....can they?
Ab: (laughing) I told you Bry...YES YOU CAN!!
Bry: how would you know Ab...because you've done soemthing naughty. I KNEW IT. That's how you knjow.
Me: Ab how do you know?
Ab: TV
Me: HUH?
Ab: Yeah...TV....I've seen it before on TV.
JAMES: Umm, you don't remember.
Me: Look at James "Well, that's good...she doesn't remember".

we kind of...sort of....went around back/forth to "do you really NOT remember or do you?"

She didn't.
She had no clue.
She.doesn't.remember...or....does.she? I think she does. But she doesn't.

She doesn't in the way that it 'affects her'

You might wonder what?

For several week (usually on the same day of the week) we would have to call the local small town police department because of Cor's behaviors. When he came back home to live w/us after being w/my inlaws I made it very clear that we would get help. They onlhy way I could find a way to do that was to have documentation. We were lucky to have an officer that was AWESOME and every time but ONCE he was the officer that responded to our calls.

She didn't remember the police officer taking her brother. Thank Heaven!! It was a rather traumatic event. I believe I have wrote about the school shop w/cop program that Ab was nomitated for from our awesome principal (who decided to open a running store instead). It was a turning point for her.

I'm not saying I still don't have guilt over this entire crappy situation. BUT...BUT...BUT....when I see these 2 children of mine and how well they are doing - today vs 3,4, 5+ years ago. It makes my heart swell with gratititude!!

Choosing Life

Last night I posted about reading THIS post and blog and how I had a blog post in my head as I was reading/commenting. Then when it came to compose it - it was gone. Which is still partially true. I've not really thought much today about it. I guess the reason it hit me the way it did last night was partially part of the reason we choose to move forward w/our disruption/T.PR.

I believe I've blogged about the significant emotional effect that Cor and his issues had on our daughter Ab. As a refresher (for those new to my blog) Ab was born a year after we adopted Cor. They were 5 years apart. Had a very healthy bond until she was about 14 months old. At which time Cor realized (after a week long i.ntensive therapy session with Deborah Hage and our therapist) that he could no longer hurt me. His actions/behaviors/ect ect - would no longer hurt me. We had several weeks of great behavior and progress. Then one day it all changed. It was a change that was just as heartbreaking to me as it was him. He figured out he could hurt me. By hurting his sister. I've blogged about that early on in this blog - feel free to comment or ask questions for specific issues: as this post is not about "that" stuff so to speak.

So as I was sitting at gymna.stics last night reading blogs, watching my almost 11 year old daughter during her "trials" for T.nT...and I read THIS post...the words of our therapist we had for Cor rang in my head - over and over and over!! Something that she said to me recently. Very recently. As in the last 6 months. We consulted w/her from time to time while Ms. N was living with us. More for family dynamics than anything else. There was one particular time that just myself went and James stayed home. I believe N might have been sick or something. IDK.

I don't know that I completely agree that we Choose Life for our son. We choose to disrupt. We choose NOT to fight the State we are from and allow them to follow thru w/terminating our parental rights. We choose to not allow him to come back in our home and because of that our parental rights were terminated.

We or more like I had no more fight left in us.
We had done every.single.thing we were asked.
We had read, participated, tried, loved, you name it....

And nothing we could do could help our son. Choosing to terminate our parental rights in our situation (and I REITERATE OUR SITUATION...bc we didn't have another family) doesn't feel like we CHOOSE LIFE.

Or does did we?

As I think about those words so lovely wrote on this lovely blog....AND....the words from Mrs. M our therapist play into our head....AND...the images of my young daughter THEN and NOW whisk into my memory.....

I can say.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Abigayle...we choose to allow her to no longer live in extreme stress and anxiety. We choose to allow this young little girl to no longer worry about when/what/where her big brother would explode. I've blogged about her response when we told her 5 years ago "your brother will never live in our home again...how it came blubbering and blurting out in a fit of frustration on my part and how my baby girl who wasn't even 6 years old said to me..Momma, I know why its okay. You dont' have to tell me. I know. Why is it Abigayle? Because momma...when he is visiting and living at home...Bry and I are not safe.." Out of the mouthes of babes. She knew. (Again, I've blogged about that...)

As I watched her 4 years later....on that gymnastics floor last night. My heart knew. We choose life for her.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Bryant...we choose to allow our toddler to be safe. To have no worry that he would be hurt again. Hurt was all he knew. Because from his newborn life till present that is what happened. From a chair being thrown and landing on him at 5 months of age to many other things that are not blog-able....we choose safety.

We CHOOSE LIFE...

For Cor. Not the best life. Not a life that I wish on my worst enemy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of guilt over where the path has taken him. And, Marilyn's words replay in my head over and over "Gala, you do know...if you didn't choose to terminate...he would NOT be getting the extensive level of care that he is getting TODAY or ever. With out doing that he would have NEVER continued to get the help he needed." I shook my head yes, I knew that day. In reality, I never thought about it that way.

We ChOOSE LIFE...

for our marriage.
for our children - each and every one of them.

It isn't an easy task. Not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy.

As I see what a complete turn around my daughter has made. I know in my heart that CHOOSING LIFE/DISRUPTION was the best thing for OUR FAMILY! And as much as I wish that Cor could be a part of our family. Tonight as I look at how healthy and emotionally stable Bry and Abi are doing now compared to before.....I have no regrets.

Another Mom's Perspective

While I was reading and then commenting on this post I had some ideas/thoughts that I wanted to post on. More for myself than anything else. Then, as I clicked "submit" for the comments...those thoughts completely disappeared. No joke. As I sit here watching my duaghter at at her Tn.T Team tryouts (Tumble and Tramp) I can't help but look around and be reminded how blessed I am despite the fact that "our love wasn't enough" and even almost 4 years later it still is a tough thing to say outloud...let alone live eachh and every day.

The View

Recently we took a trip to Great America (pics are on my other camera....still not downloaded because well...work has me overwhelmed).

We also went to the Willis Tower. Formerly, The Sears Tower. It will ALWAYS be the Sears Tower to me.

Something about there being 100,000's of people was a little unpleasant to me. I was a bit annoyed to be honest.

Anyway, I was able to snap a few pictures. Not many. Because well, people are annoying and inconsiderate. I am a very open, loving, non-racist person. I love just about all people. However, I came very close to my limit on this particular day.