18

There really are no words to describe how much my heart hurts today.  

Never imagined that the grief would still sting as so much. 

I've been all over the map the last few years in regards to C.  Often there are moments in life that I'm okay with this journey and where it led us.  Being able to accept it for what it is.

 And then there are moments as in the  last several weeks, where the pain and sorrow cut so incredible deep.  Where depression creeps in, guilt takes over, and everything else about this experience goes to an entirely new level.

Happy 18th Birthday C.

As I said...there really are not words.  I've spent most of this week crawled up in bed, tears falling, and wondering what the fuck we did wrong, why couldn't we do this..... and so much other mental garabage.

Hard Stuff

It has been an incredible hard few days.  I keep track as much as I can on C's and his whereabouts (as in where he is living) as much as I can.  Few days ago finding out that he graduated from high school was much tougher than I expected and it was a year early.

There are many reasons why this is tough.  I blogged on another blog about it.  The anger, frustration, and grief came spilling out in a rather not so good manner.

It was suggested that I should be proud of him.  I know that my comments and thoughts didn't come across as being proud.  I am extremely proud of him.  However, I can not take responsibility for it.  If I (or we) had such a positive influence on his life, things would have not turned out the way they did. 
I have so much more I want to say.  However, I really don't know that I want to on here.  Even though, I don't blog as often the blog stats still show regular readers.  I've contemplated closing this blog or just ending it with a final post.  I've btdt many times.  I'm really not sure what I want and in the meantime I will just leave it the way it is.