18

There really are no words to describe how much my heart hurts today.  

Never imagined that the grief would still sting as so much. 

I've been all over the map the last few years in regards to C.  Often there are moments in life that I'm okay with this journey and where it led us.  Being able to accept it for what it is.

 And then there are moments as in the  last several weeks, where the pain and sorrow cut so incredible deep.  Where depression creeps in, guilt takes over, and everything else about this experience goes to an entirely new level.

Happy 18th Birthday C.

As I said...there really are not words.  I've spent most of this week crawled up in bed, tears falling, and wondering what the fuck we did wrong, why couldn't we do this..... and so much other mental garabage.