Gang Bangers or Just Boys

That is my question today.

I have several children that ride my transit route each day. To be exact on my first middle school run in the morning I have about 50-60 each morning. Then my high school route has about 50-60 also. The afternoon middle school has about 60-70 and the high school route...holy crap lets just say that A: i'm over capacity 99% of th etime and B: it gets pretty stinky...I'm at about 75-85 capacity. Then I have one more middle school route w/about 10 kids max (today there was no one).

On the PM high school route it is 20 minutes of pretty much pure hell. I can do anything for "20 min". I can get them to the "East Transfer Point"...Then it is just "5 more minutes"...It really is breaking it down because there are so many 'not so good kids' on this bus.

I have 2 boys that are in 9 and 10th grade (I asked them today how old/what grade they were in..more on that in a moment). It is pretty obvious to me that they are in 'some sort' of a gang. They wear the same white shirts, baggy denim shorts, same color shoes, socks, and have their hat tilted the same way. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I kid you not. Their shorts are even "freshly pressed" every day along w/their shirts.

These 2 boys have the most foul mouth of any teenager I've heard. I can get pretty foul - specially when I'm in a bad mood, depressed or whatever...but wow...they can go at it. About 90% of the kids get off at the transfer center. Leaving these 2 boys and about 5 others on the bus. They are obnoxious and I really don't like them. Yesterday, I was listening to their foul discussion w/this other girl. She wanted to know if they were "white or black or mexican or what". LOL. They are both said "my momma's white, my daddy's black" Bothh are rather fair skinned. Just like Corry. If it were not for how they wore their hair and talked you probably wouldn't know that they were mix. Just like Cor...you wouldn't know by the color of his skin that he was a different race than caucasion.

Anyway, on to my point.

These boys have given me more shit and have been more intimidating to me than just about any other child in the last 2 weeks. I had this black kid standing behind me and he was VERY big. Asking me a million questions. These 2 boys were sitting right next to me also. They were going to get off 'early' and I was sosoooooo thankful about that. Then the one kid said "no...I have to be home at 4:12 and no later. I'm grounded...remember". The other kid said something on the line 'just tell ur momma the bus was late'. I said "now..you know that your momma can call the City of Madison and verify what time the bus actually got to your stoop don't you?" "NOOOOO HOW..." I said "GPS". OH they said...and decided to stay on. Dang..>I should ahve shut my mouth and they would have got off.

So it was just them and I after this other big kid who was asking me 100% questions go off. My mind went right to "what kind of shit are they going to gtive me today." They give me shit and harrass me every day because I will not stop at the YMCA. So today I had this overwhelming sense of "you need ot show them you are on their side....they are just another Corry....about the same age...you don' tknow their home life, their situation, what if that was Corry...would you think the same way?". So I very casually said "So boys what grade are you in?" They answered w/9 and 10th grades. I said "ahh so that makes you what about...14 and 15?" They both smiled and said "yep". Then the shocker came "Do you ahve any kids?" I said "Yes, I do. I have 3...." They asked how old, boys, girls. I told them that I had 2 boys and a girl. They were 6 and 9 and my other boy would have been 14. They looked perplexed and said "would have been" and I just said..."yes, I only have 2 children at home w/me now". There were no more questions.

I then told them "just so you know..it isn't that I don't want to drop you off at the Y..I did ask/verify w/the supv. and was told that is an unsafe road and we don't make stops on. So here it is..." They said "ohh...okay". When they got off...they shocked the heck out of me. They said "THANK YOU and HAVE a nice day."

So...are they gang bangers or just boys?

Probably both....but if I stay on 'their' side and stay cool I'm hoping I can gain some respect...

That is at least my hope for today.

Favorit Foto Friday

It has been a while since I ahve posted a photo. And even longer since I've done one of my favorites on a Friday.

So...in hopes of bringing a bit of cheer-i-ness to my day, remeber why I'm killing myself gettin gup at 5am and getting home at 6pm each day and only working 4 hrs in between (I work split shifts and then "dauddle the rest of the time) I thought I would post apic of my babies. Because...someday...hopefully...sooner...than later...I will get to be promoted to full time.

That my friends is why I'm nearly killing myself w/these hours....because at full time...our financial income will be so much better than it ever has. We will have 100% employer paid health insurance and much more....

This.is.why.I.am.doing.this.....

Headaches and Triggers

On my other blog I posted a blurb about my "headaches".

This morning something happened that really triggered a headache. It ticks me off because it was so honest and not meant in any harm at all.

I was at Panera wasting time between my bus routes and was online for a bit. I decided to eat lunch there. I didn't realize they would boot me off or I would not have paid a near fortune for my lunch there.

The person that waited one me was a guy that I used to take care care of (and his ex-girlfriend). He was asking about my family. He has developmental disabilities and is pretty "with it" so to speak. He asked how old, what grade and how Corry was doing. Corry was 5 when we lived w/him and Heather. He remembered him and was quite fond of him. How do you explain in a "very few moments", to a man with developmental disabilities, while you are ordering food that he is no longer our child, that we terminate dour parental rights, that he lives (least that I know of) in a residential treatment facility? You don't...it isn't possible. I smiled and said "Corry is no longer our child. He lives in a treatment facility".

The look on Pete's face was shock. He didn't understand. He wanted to know more. He wanted to ask questions but because of the "place' he couldn't. Quite frankly, I have to admit that I am glad.

At the time...not big deal. I went on to eat my lunch and just as I was sitting there I really felt overwhelming saddness, guilt, and all kinds of other things. My head began to hurt like it has every other day. UGH...

I know that there are no real magical answers. I know that my dr. appt. tmw wil not be the magical cure. Yet, I'm really need to figure this out. I can't keep getting this horrible headaches. One of these days my head will put a hole int he wall and then hurt even worse.

Marriage and R.A.D.

I thought I would write today about something that I've not really mentioned on here. Well, actually, there is a lot that i've not mentioned so far.

I can probably say that nearly all married couples (or couples in general) who are parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder probably on some level experience a degree of conflict, resentment, anger, ect ect.

Our marriage was no different. When we adopted Corry our marriage what I thought to be rather 'normal'. We struggled from time to time. We never ever raised our voices at each other - ever. We rarely ever fought. Sure we had disagreements. We worked threw them and oon we went.

Before Cor our biggest struggle was the infertility. He didn't understand Me and I didnt' understand Him. I think this is a common issue among infertile couples. The stress of everything that came alongn with infertility took its toll at times.

Nothing compared to what we entered into with this adoption. NOTHING EVEN remotely the same.

In the beginning Cor's anger was directed at me. He had a mom. he had a Grandma. He didn't want a a new mommy. He didn't need a new mommy in his eyes. He had that. He didn't have a daddy...He did have a Grandpa. But the daddy piece was new. And boy did he play that to the hilt.

In the begining James thought I was being hard on him. I was to strict. I needed to just give him his own space.

In the eyes of many people I was to strict and/or didn't parent like "they" thought I should.

There were many days James would come home from work and not understand why I was so done w/this child. Why I couldn't take another moment.

How does a new mom, who is pregnant w/her first biological child, know in her heart that "something isn't right and she shouldn't go fwd with this adoption" tell her husband this?

You dont'. At least I didn't. Well, I did on some levels. I just didn't come out and say (in all honesty it took MANY YEARS...ummm...uh...like just recently...for me to admit this)..I knew in the begining that we were not the right parents. that I couldn't do this.

Yet...I loved him. He was my little boy. I was his mommy. How could I turn my back on him, have my baby and move on with my life?

It took nearly 8 yrs for me to go that route....

During that time there were many many days/nights/weeks/months when I thought that my marriage would not last another day.

We did a 5 day intensive therapy with Deborah Hage. During that time we spent a TON of time working on "our marriage". I can honestly say that for the first time in our marriage...my husband hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. I can't tell you what happened during that day in October because I've blocked it out. Honestly...I have no clue. I remember everything but what happened between the two of us. If I would have had a car to leave that office that day I would have. James had the keys...so therefore, I couldn't leave. Trust me...I tried.

this was the first time that I really knew in my heart that he thought it was all my fault. That we were not on the same page. That I was the bad guy in his eyes...not only Cor's!!

Somehow that was a turnign point in our marriage. Things weren't good by any means. However, we for the first time as parents to this child were closer to becoming "one" and on the same page.

There were many ups and downs.

There was a pivotal point when I knew...I was done. I knew...I could not give this child what he needed. I needed to protect A.bi and B.ry....

James couldn't get it. He knew in his heart what I said and felt. Yet, he wasn't ready to let go.

After much discussion with my therapist, prayer, and talking with a few others close to me I had to give an ultimadem. One that I don't think anyone should ever have to do. One that hurt me pretty deep to have to do/say. But, I was prepared to do what it took in order to protect B.ry and A.bi...

The ultimadem...

If you are going to insist that Cor come back home. You can do that. But you will need to do it w/o me, A.bi and B.ry. I refuse to allow these two children to live in the same house. I was prepared to live separated, divorce or wahtever it took to give my 2 youngest children saftey. They had been hurt by him and I could not allow him to hurt them again.

It wasn't...an...easy...thing...to do....

This again, was a turning point in our marriage. Again...not all roses. However, it was a point that made my husband think not just about Cor but everyone involved.

There were many more rockymoments heck there still are...I still struggle daily with this.

Only know...we don't discuss it. Cor's name is rarely, if ever spoken..in our home. James never remembers any of the "dates" that were important...the day he came to live with us, the day we finalized, the day we were sealed in the temple, his birthday (which is the day after mine)...and few others.

He