There is Healing.....

....for me. 

...slowly.

....very very very very....SLOWLY!

This evening....I was childless.  I was husband-less.

Thank the good Lord!!  Oh' how I needed just some "me" time.

My BIL came over.  Changed the locks in our new house.  Reprogrammed our garage door openers.  Did a few other misc. things.  He was in-out-gone in less than an hour.

I walked around in my fat shorts.  AKA: biker shorts and tank top - incomando and braless. 

Because I can. 

I then....went out into the garage.

Looked for a hammer.
Looked for some nails.

And decided to pound some holes in my walls. 
And decided to look in some boxes and hang up a few pictures.

And....the very first box I opened....was a box that has not been opened in several years.  As in....3-4 yrs.

After our disruption we also moved.  I never hung up the "adoption day photo collage" and other pics of Cor.  There were a few pictures that were put in my dresser drawer.  That was about it.

The first large frame that came out of that box (remember I had no clue what was in this box...it just said "pictures")...was our "Adoption Finalization...Mommy was big and fat and pregnant and we were a happy family.....and our Family Sealing Pictures that were taken the day after our finalization".

Ouch.

Or it could have been.

I looked at it and thought ...."yeah.  where is this going to go". 

I was not able to find a spot that I felt was appropriate.  It isn't something that I want to be showing out in the open for just anyone to comment on.  I am not sure that I am ready for the constant reminder...every day....but somewhere.  I think in our downstairs family room is where it will end up.  I stuck the frame in my closet w/the other portrait frames I don't know where to put.  It did not go back in the "don't hang up and file away pile" like a few of the frames.

There are times when I can't think, talk, look, see, here....anything that has to do w/this situation. 

And today....I'm able to see a picture and think 'Hot dang that boy is good looking"

And leave it as....

it is what it is.
it is out of my control.

On Hope, Grieving, Hurting Parents, and maybe....more.

Not sure that I can/will accurately blog about what I really want to say.  However, I will give it a try. 

A few days ago I read a blog post that triggered a hot spot for me.  My initial response was to comment back.  To blog about it.  To say what I truly felt.  And then I decided not to.  "just keep your mouth shut..." and so I did.

I've not read the comments and honestly, I've not read any other blogs since reading this particular post.  It has just touched a sore spot w/me and I decided I needed to step back.  I've tried very hard in the last few weeks/months to step back as I get angry/mad about something.  "Is this about you? Why am I feeling as if this is a direct dig at me?  I did what I could with MY kid...." and on and on.  Trying to step back from what it was/is that sends me into that lil tail spin. 

So here goes it...my .02 cents.

I've spend a great deal of energy...angry at the entire situation at hand when it comes down to our adoption, disruption, years of in/out of treatment/respite, the damage done to my other children, ect ect....

At times...yes...I've been angry at my child.  Something that Deborah Hage and our local therapist told me over and over and over and over and over was.....This kid has the ability to heal.  He doesn't want to!  And this is something that I often discount. 

This will be semi short.  I can't accurately say what I want/need to say.   As I was sitting here writing this out, texting with Laurie and getting caught up on my google reader that I've not read since reading the original post that sent me in a tizzy....and prompted me to start writing this post.  I read a post by Corey.  I'm certain that just about anyone that reads my blog....reads Corey's.  So if you've not read her post she states what I'm thinking so much more eloquently.

I will wrap up with one more thought...when your child RAD or not...is hurting your other children.  In traumatic manner -- it is very hard to not be angry.  Even though I know the RAD/Mental illness part of my son did so much of the damage in my house.  I also know, that he purposefully hurt his brother.  When the child is able to turn it on/off at the drop of a hat and in the process....his newborn brother and toddler sister were hurt in the process.....yeah...it is really hard to not be angry.  It is really hard to not be angry that 5+ years later after we have disrupted we are still living the triangulation and bs on many levels.  We still get phone calls.  We still get bills.  It is really hard to not be angry....when the effects have been so life damaging and continue to wreak havoc on our lives.

Steve Holy - Love Don't Run lyrics

This is a very powerful song.

On so many different levels.

It is a very painful song.

On so many different levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This evening this song appeared on a google reader blog that I follow.

I know this particular blogger probably has no clue that I lurk on her blog daily. I actually am in awe and love her love and faith. And I wish that for one second of the day I could have the strength and courage that this women has.

This song is so very powerful....this evening as I heard this song I thought of the young man that sent me a FB friend request this week. How I did leave him and my love did run.

And...and....and...we didn't get through it!

This song means so very much.....

on such very different levels.

Deep breathe in...
Deep breathe out...
Rinse.
Repeat.
Lather.