RED BRICK BUILDING

I sat in the van as my husband got gas.  I sat nearly paralized staring at the Red Brick Building that sits high on the corner of the main intersection in this small town.

My husband asked me to go into get drinks and something for the drive home.  I declined.  Telling him that I would prefer to stay in the car.   

As I sit here staring at that Red Brick Building, the tears begin to fall even harder.  Now they sting my cheeks as I wipe them away.

My mother heart and deep love tells me we should drive across the street and walk into the Red Brick Building on the corner.

And the common sense part of my mother heart says "that would not be smart."

The Red Brick Building is where C turned 18 years old a few weeks ago. 
It is the County Jail.

18

There really are no words to describe how much my heart hurts today.  

Never imagined that the grief would still sting as so much. 

I've been all over the map the last few years in regards to C.  Often there are moments in life that I'm okay with this journey and where it led us.  Being able to accept it for what it is.

 And then there are moments as in the  last several weeks, where the pain and sorrow cut so incredible deep.  Where depression creeps in, guilt takes over, and everything else about this experience goes to an entirely new level.

Happy 18th Birthday C.

As I said...there really are not words.  I've spent most of this week crawled up in bed, tears falling, and wondering what the fuck we did wrong, why couldn't we do this..... and so much other mental garabage.

Hard Stuff

It has been an incredible hard few days.  I keep track as much as I can on C's and his whereabouts (as in where he is living) as much as I can.  Few days ago finding out that he graduated from high school was much tougher than I expected and it was a year early.

There are many reasons why this is tough.  I blogged on another blog about it.  The anger, frustration, and grief came spilling out in a rather not so good manner.

It was suggested that I should be proud of him.  I know that my comments and thoughts didn't come across as being proud.  I am extremely proud of him.  However, I can not take responsibility for it.  If I (or we) had such a positive influence on his life, things would have not turned out the way they did. 
I have so much more I want to say.  However, I really don't know that I want to on here.  Even though, I don't blog as often the blog stats still show regular readers.  I've contemplated closing this blog or just ending it with a final post.  I've btdt many times.  I'm really not sure what I want and in the meantime I will just leave it the way it is.

When an Adoption Must Disrupt

When this post was orginally wrote a few years ago, I found great comfort in it.  It came at a time when I had received several comments and emails damning me for telling our story.  It isn't anyone else's story to tell.  It is mine and only mine.

There are many many things that never made it to this blog regarding our story.
And there are many many things that will never make it to this blog regarding our story.

When an Adoption Must Disrupt was wrote by Christine.

I hope the person who contacted me a few weeks ago regarding is able to find comfort and peace in whatever stage they may/may not be in. 

Our child will turn 18.  One month from today.  I've kept myself very very busy today.  Trying very hard not to think about.  Trying very hard not to grieve the loss.  It hasn't been very easy.  It has taken me several attempts of retreating to my bedroom/bathroom in order to compose myself.

There is absolutely NO way around making disruption easy. 

Ever. 

For anyone involved. 

Even though time passes, pain lessons, and children and families go on with their lives.....underneath all of the above lies grief and pain.

Previous Post on Disruption

Recently, someone commented asking about a post that I linked to re: adoption disruption. 

I have deleted several of the old posts from my blog for personal reasons. 

I don't believe I deleted that particular post.  I just can't find it. I will continue looking.  In the meantime, I've contacted Christine over at Welcome to My Brain asking her if she knew off hand what the name of the post was or where in her archives it would be.

Sorry to not be more helpful.

Give me some time. I will find it. 

Love, G

Holidays Came...

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled.  However, not nearly as much as I have in years past. 

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address.  Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption.  Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out.  I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings.  If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought.  It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety.  October/November proved to be the toughest of all.  And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.   

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil.  But that was it.  I was able to look at it for what it was.  The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here.  There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL.  The conversation almost ended with me going postal.  Initially, I was very hurt.  A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings.  However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home.  She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch.  She knew what she was saying.  She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general. 

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with.  I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is.  He turns 18...  Please remind me in June....would you?