~UGH - People Just Don't Getting It~

Of all people...I would guess my mom.....who saw what we lived threw, she saw the hell that our household was.....

Would get it...instead I have had her complain (trying to be nice here)....about our visit to her home yesterday...with the little gal we do respite for.

Just like with Cor was at home, until she saw the after affects w/our daughter and then our youngest, she didn't get it. Even still, today...several years later. She still points blame and it is so frustrating. Frustrating because I know she gets, I really do. Yet, because of the medical disorder that this child has, she is giving her more space to be RAD-dy, controlling, and just plain obstinate. Instead, it is our fault.

UGH. just.plain.irratating.

This rant she went on (that is the source of my rant) started when I made a comment about being hit in the face during church this morning and how it took me by surprise, which it really shouldn't have because she hits her mother all the time. Yet, has never hit me, until today. My mom's rants started and went on for at least 20 minutes.

This is not something that I needed to listen to this evening. Hell, I listened to it for 8 yrs w/Cor. I sure as hell don't need to listen to it any more.

~A Step Forward~

For many reasons, that I don't really want to go into on this blog, we stopped going to church. However, there is a portion that I will/can talk about. It definately, was related to our disruption.

To say that I, was mad at God, my Father in Heaven, and everyone else, would be a definate understatement. More so, I was/am mad at some of the leaders w/in our religion, Cor's birth grandparents (grandpa).

A few months ago, we had a set of Elders who came by one evening. For the last couple of months (since before Thanksgiving), these 2 young men have been so persistant, coming to our home at least 2 times per week.

Bless their hearts. Bless them for knowing that our family needed them to follow the Lord's lead.

This evening, our daughter, Ab who is 9 will be baptised. In our religion we believe that children should be baptised at the age of 8. We've come a long way in the last few months as a family.

These young men have brought so much into our family and home and I will be forever greatful for them.

We found out that one of them will be transferred this week. Interestingly, enough..this is the young man who felt extremely inspired by his Father in Heaven to continue to come to our home.

Check my other blog in a day or so and I will post Ms. Ab's pretty pics.

Disruption and Death of a Child...

Recently on a group that I belong to someone wrote that "an adoption disruption almost feels like a death of your child..."

*****WARNING**DISCLAIMER***In absolutely no way, shape or form is it my intent to hurt anyones feelings. Specifically anyone who has suffered the death of a child, anyone who has suffered the death of their child and had 'any' of the things that I am going to mention happen to them. I can not even begin to imagine your pain and grief as it is, most certainly completely different than mine. I know this because I have had several people tell me, who read this blog, who have linked my blogs to their posts and then made indirect comments...the difference is huge. I know!! So please know that this is directed at myself, my own feelings, thoughts and pain, and I will not relate it to 'your' pain and suffering.

This is something that I've thought about for several years. Way before we even disrupted our adoption. I have been chastised greatly for making that comment to someone (more on that later) and so for the last 2+ yrs have not repeated it to a single soul sole.

But tonight I have decided that I will talk about it. This post, like some of my others, might get really long. If you are in a hurry, come back another day. If not, grab some tea and cookies, kick your legs up and listen to my mumble jumble rant, or whatever you might want to call it.

During one particular rough patch after our disruption I told my 'then' therapist that in some ways if my son had passed away it might be easier to deal with this pain and grief. That this would be such a different path. She was mortified that I said this. She made if very clear to me that she couldn't believe I actually said this. Even though she had experience personally with adopting, I do believe had her fair share of problems, ect ect...she.did.not.get.it. She did not understand the depths of what I was trying to say...

When I said to her "N_ if my son would have had cancer or a tumor and I did everything in my power as his parent to get him the help care that he needed and it still wasn't good enough....do you think that my SIL would have chastised me by saying the hurtful, horrible things that she has said to me? Do you think that the child life therapist look at the parents in the Pediatric ICU and tell them...because you stayed home this morning and breastfed your newborn and went to the Halloween Party with your 1st grader...that you are a bad parent? Do you HONESTLY think that you would tell a parent who lost their child after years of dealing with luekemia that 'you should have done one more thing..and that...would have been enough?"

She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.

Sadly enough, nobody “gets it”. So, very few people are kind, most ignore the situation or judge and condemn.

My very own sister in law, once a friend, prior to marrying my BIL...said to me "At least now he will be going to somewhere where he is loved". Out of all of the things that someone said to me..this ranks in the top 5 for the most hurtfull...truthfully...the most hurtful.

How about the psychiatrist who called my sons AT over and over and made accusations it was 'me' who was the problem. That is right, I just adopted this child and set him up and taught him how, what, when to do all these things. I was the problem because this child who was 6 yrs old at the time tried to sufficate his 15 month old sister.

Vengence was had the day that one of the most beloved therapists in the world (Joan..I miss you...she retired) called me out of the blue one day and told me "Just thought you might take great joy in knowing that the D_ Health decided to not renew this particular pdocs contract. She has been let go". OMGosh can you say "AMEN". She wasn't our doc at the time. If she was...I would have made sure she knew how greatful I was that her employer...got.it.got.that.she.needed.to.not.work.with.children.anymore.

One parent wrote this...

I think it is so painful because it feels like a betrayal. At the lowest point of my life, when I most needed support from those close to me, instead I got slapped in the face (figuratively) and blamed for my problems. That really does hurt.

I could not have said it any better than this!!

I often wonder if the fingers were not placed back at me, if I received the support I needed at a time when we were so damn vulnerable....would this grief process be so much different? I think it would have. I know it would have. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry.

With the death of a child. There is closure. There is such a wonderful plan after we leave this earth and our children, parents, friends, family...will be healed of everything. The pain is taken away and the loved one is now free.

With the disruption of a child. There is no closure. Not always, rarely ever, is there a wonderful plan. The child still suffers...yet, another loss. The child is still in pain. The loved one is NOT free of his/her pain.

Two very different subjects.

Two very different experiences.

Something that I pray I or anyone ever has to experience.

Something that I pray doesn't have to happen..

It is what it is...

I can not tell you how many times each day that I say this little montra..."It is what it is..." Even though I say this over and over to myself and others each day. There are always days that I struggle with being able to just let go and let whatever it is...just be.



This last tidbit has thrown me into a bit of a tizzy so to speak. At moments deep depression sets in and is litterally paralizing. Some moments are not so bad. Other moments juts fly by. At the end of the day, at the end of each hour, the fact that I'm so incredible exhausted (mentally) would be an understatement.

Earlier today I started an update on the events of this last week, of the last phone call we received today from J @ Cor's group home. I've deleted it. I've not got it in me to share. The end result is...it is what it is and there is not one thing I can do to change. The tears have flown heavily. The pain and grief is deep.

This evening I came across Christine's post "When Adoption Must Disrupt" and I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it is to read her words of support and love. Reading the words of someone who truly gets it. Reality is not many people really get it. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to because they don't get it. Sure I have a therapist. But you know what, even though she might try to get it she can't fully understand the realm.

It is what it is...

and there is nothing I can do or will ever be able to do to change this outcome. To change the amount of pain that everyone involved has suffered. And for tonight, that is really hard to accept.

Letter from the Bush Girls

I came across this link today "Letter to Sasha and Malia" and thought it was so touching.  It brought tears to my eyes as I listened to this letter be read.  The true meaning behind it all. 

 

Sometimes I worry about my children and the influences that society will have on them.   Thankfully, I am not in the lime light like these children and many others in the political or religious limelight will be and therefore my children are not subject to the intense scrutinty that so many children are.

 

This video reminds me I will not always be able to protect my children from such things as society, but the most important thing I can do is ignore it and focus on being a great mom and parent.

The video also reminds me while it's so easy to point fingers of blame at people who serve publicly, they are in fact all human. They may be presidents, actors, CEOs, pastors, authors, personalities, and politicians… but they are also human. Fallible, broken, but striving to be better….human.

If you've not listened to the Bush Daughters read this letter take a moment or two to do so.

Love, Gala

--
We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

update from last post

dh left a message for the group home owner. If he calls back great. If not nothing we can/will do about it. It is what it is.

For today, I need to focus on me, myself, and I.
For today, I need to get to the end of the day, avoiding any dodgeballs thrown my way.
For today, I will let it be exactly what it is....out of my control.

Thinking Outloud

...feel free to chime in if you would like.

After DH spoke w/Cor the other night we both felt it would be needed for dh to call the group home Cor is at and speak w/the owner in a few days. The purpose would be to see how Cor did after the call and the day or so after.

We didn't decide on what day or when. However, that it needed to be done. We also discussed that we needed to clarify a few things. Mainly, the point being...we will not be told, nor will be agree to continued contact on a very regular basis. But more of a casual and occasional contact. We also wanted to make sure that Cor's therapist was in agreement that he have contact and that he have support from him/her before/after. The reason I say this (not surei f I wrote this before or not) is because the day that dh talked to Cor this person left a message stating he wanted to know about setting up regular, specific contact. We will not do this.

I've asked him if he was going to do it. Each time saying yes in a just a little bit. It is 9pm on Saturday night. He hasn't done it. I do not want to say anything. Do I just drop it? Do we check and see how Cor might be doing? Do we just leave it as is and see what happens?

Dh spoke w/Ab on Thur. morning. Reconfirming to her that she is safe. He is safe. She does not have to worry about having Cor come back home. She seemed fine. And seems fine now. This morning her and I went shopping at Target. On the way there I was talking to my mom. She wanted to know how thing went and so forth. I casually mentioned that Ab knew. While I told my mom that Ab got giggly and smiley and said 'Yep, I know..." and seemed to actually be happy that she knew. While we were walking in the store she mentioned that someday soon we should send him a care package. All the while smiling from ear to ear.

She even said "yep, I heard dad talking to Cor in that same voice he talks to Bry and I in the mornings before school". ROFL...his rather matter of fact and very stern lets get things rolling not screw around so you are not late for school voice.... I kind of laughed to myself when she said this. He really did talk to Cor very firm. He was loving but also very firm and matter of fact.

It makes my heart feel good to know that she seems to be okay. That her fears seemed to be subsided and she wants to send him a care package.

I called in to work yesterday (you can read about it on my other blog). It was 99% a mental health day. From time to time we all need them. This week I needed them. As I mentioned on my other blog post - I can't in good conscious go to work and be sleep deprived. The week ended up catching up with me and when it did I crashed for the most part. My job isn't sitting behind a desk. When you drive a 43 ft long vehicle that weighs 40,000 lbs, and there is precious (and very obnoxious) cargo....it is not in the best interest of having that cargo's driver be sleep deprived. Thus, I took a day and just took care of me...me...me!!