Broken Heart

~Someone asked me if I missed you~
~I didn't answer~
~I just closed my eyes and walked away~
~then~
~I answered~
"SO MUCH"  
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Three years ago this month and more specifically this week our disruption was final in the eyes of the state of Wisconsin. 
Some days it seems like forever. 
Other days it seems like it was just yesterday.
Some days it seems like the anger and frustration and pain will never fade away.
Other days all the anger, frustration, and pain seem so distant.

I've not quite figured this crap out and I'm sure that isn't my mission here on earth. 
What I know is...
It just plain SUCKS~

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Aftermath of Dr. A's appt

Basically, Dr A's appt with me was to tell me/us her thoughts and what her report was going to be.

She was not reccommending this child return to our home. Ever. he be placed in Residential Treatment Center and told us it would be severa months/years before he would even be considered able to live in a family setting. She said over and over she did not think he shoudl return to our home because of our 2 younger children, their ages, and what they had already had happen to them.

It was now time for Dr. A and the county SW to find a RTC in our state to take Cor. He was young. It is very hard to place children this young.

We made our visists to the psychiatric facility he was in from March to May. In May he was moved from the psychiatric hospital to an RTC.

We spent a great deal of time on the phone with the intake coordinator of this RTC and the SW. I had gained respect for this man. Was greatful to have someone who seemed to be on the same page as my dh and I. He seemed over the phone to get it...

When we showed up to the intake...drop off....we were surprised to find out that this SW/Therapist at the RTC - was no longer going to be Cor's primary therapist/SW....the person whom it became....was fresh out of college, no children, not married....(she was older but still very little experience and DEFINATELY didn't have experience w/adopted children).

This women...still gives me nightmares.

The CALL

~~finally came!!

I am so incredible excited and scared all at once.

I recevied the call I've been waiting for for a VERY long time yesterday while my family and I were at Six Flags Great America...

"Gala, are you still interested in going full time?"

HECK YA???  Why would I turn it down?  S'rsly...why?

I have been to hell and back w/this job the last year.  I truly have lived threw a hazing of sorts.  I've weathered the storm, been found worthy to advance!

There is so much more I want/need to say about this.  However, I've been busy. 

What better way to celebrate this new job promotion (trust me it is HUGE for me) than to be at Great America w/my family.  We were just about to get on the 2nd ride of the day when my dh's cell phone rang.  When he handed me the phone I nearly died.  I stood in line, screaming like a maniac that I am after I got off.  My daughter and dh knew....  James just smiling from ear to ear.  My in shock. Trying not to cry. 

I know it will not be fun and games. I know that the training for full time is just as intense as it was for full time.  However, in the end - life will be so much nicer.  The financial stabilty that this will bring to our family is enormous.  The health insurance...omgosh..the health insurance!!  100% PAID coverage after a $37.50 premium PER month!!  Currently, we have state health insurance. It is governered by how much $ my family makes. If I make to much I looose it or have a $150-200 copay.   State retirmenment and benies to the hill...

I'll write more later.  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my family and last week home as a laid off part time employee for the City of M....  (I am working part time somewhere else since I was laid off a few weeks ago...)

:) Happy America Day

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Therapy Appt with Dr. A - w/myself

This post will be short and not so sweet.

Dr. A's reccomendation was that Cor not return home.
Ever.
In her report she did not exactly put that. However, she did put she refused to release him to a residential home.

From M_ he would go to a Residential Treatment Center. Finding one was the hard part. One that could meet his needs. It took a little while.

During my meeting with her we discussed the extent of Cor's illness. Because of his age, she could not truly dx him with what she truly felt was going on. Let's just say it was a rather depressing day.

This was the 2nd professional telling me my son should never return to live with me.

What had we done?
What had we gotten ourselves into?

There is so much more that I could write but will not because emotionally I just can't go there. Most of it I have blocked out of my memory. Not sure why.

What I know it was the beginning of some of the darkest days/weeks/months/years of my life.
What I know is it has defined a part of me that some might say is the new Gala...

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I've been asked over the last year or so to think about who I was before all this transpired, who the person I would like to be, ect ect...

Someday I might write about that. What I will say is that before this experience I did not deal with depression in the way that I do now. Heck, I didn't even really know what it was to be brutally honest.

I'm writing this for me. If along the way it helps someone - GREAT!! But in the end this is for me. I don't really know what I want to get out of it. Maybe it is to look back and read when I'm all done and be able to believe that we did everything we could. I don't know the answers. I really don't.

30 Days Inpatient...30 Days Outpatient

Just as Cor spent 30 days inpatient. He spent exactly 30 days outpatient.

They were by far the best 30 days we ever had with Cor. Seriously with all my heart I can say that. Often, I have went back to those 30 days and tried to figure out what it was. Why was it so good? What happened on that 30th day?

I don't remember to be honest.
I truly don't remember.
I remember it was a Sunday.
I remember it took me several days to go into his room and clean up the horrific mess that transpired.
I remember telling my husband "pick up the phone...this is going to get ugly real fast".
I remember Cor raging even more when he heard me say that. Panic set in because he knew what was going to happen. He knew that a rage like this would end him back in the hospital. He tried to calm himself down. He couldn't. There was something about him that night that truly made me realize how incredible sick my son was.

Officer Ron, oh' our lovely Officer Ron....showed up. Ron is such a gentle giant. He took one look at Cor, myself, our 7 mo old baby who was terrified and screaming, our 3 yr old who was just as terrified as her baby brother. Looked at his squad car and Cor and said "Put your shoes on son.....you were told the next time I came to your home I would be leaving w/you. So, we are leaving. You will not rein terror over your baby brother and sister. I was told about your last stint. I am not backing down. You are going back to M_"

He escorted Cor to the car and then came back into the house to talk with us. He apologized for the disorderly conduct charges he had to place a few months earlier. Telling us how he knew that the fine was going to hurt us. But his hands were tied. Whatever. $750 was the ending result of that fine. You know what....how much of it did this young child pay? Not a cent..as you know.

Ron got our information, what happened, what had transpired over the previous 30 days. We made it very clear that "our child was different" when he came home and something snapped that day and he was back to the Cor we lived with.

Cor never lived at home again 'officially' after that day....

Next: Dr. A's recommendations during a therapy appt w/myself..

Psychiatric Hospital

~it isn't something you want to experience. Trust me...you just don't.~

The following day we were contacted by the psychologist assigned to Cor. We were contacted by many different people. There was the emergency detention or whatever the heck you want to call it was set into play. The beginning of a really long road.

We went to visit that day. I am not going to go into detail about the emotions or lack of from Cor. Truthfully, I don't remember. It is something that I have blocked out in my mind and over time have tried to remember and reproccess what it is like to visit your baby in such a place.

I've been to other psychiatric units before. My mom was a psych nurse for many years. I remember visiting her at work many times. Nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to this place.

Old. Dirty. Run Down. Depressing. Old. Dirty. Run Down. Depresing

This hospitalization lasted exactly 30 days. It was an insurance thing. Dr. A, who was/is a VERY VERY LOVELY young lady, who honestly believed we were doing all we could for our son, who believed that I was not the reason for the problems. That I truly did love my son.

You don't know how huge this is. You really don't.

Regardless, my heart was still torn to see my son this way.

There were med changes. There were this and that and then this and that and so on and so forth done.

He came home. I was petrified. I had no choice. One of the last thing that Dr. A said to me was "I'll see you soon, my hands are tied..."

See us soon..indeed she did.

NEXT: 30 days inpatient...30 days outpatient

~continue on...Officer finally comes

After the Officer comes and things seemed to calm down, the reality of what had just happened started to set in.

The young officer (same age as I am. I later found out he was a classmate of my step brother who is 1 grade level younger than I am) seemed rather clueless. It was very clear that this young man was truly not aware of what/how to handle this situation. I mean, sure he knew what to do - calm the household, make sure my infant son was ok, make sure that mom was not going to loose her cookies, ect ect.

I made if very very clear that Corry would not be staying in our home that evening. I didn't care where, what, how he was removed...he would be removed. His behavior had escalated to the point that my children were no longer safe to be around him. He had hurt his baby brother.

Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry

This evening was a very long..oh my word...long night.

The Officer did not want to admit Corry to the psychiatric hospital. He called the oncall social worker - remember the one from the night before...remember the one that was assigned to us...remember the one that thought charing this 8 yr old with disorderly conduct was the answer to the problem..brilliant. Simply brilliant, right? NOT

I spoke to T.C. I made it very clear that SOMEONE would be leaving my home and it WOULD NOT BY MY INFANT SON AND THREE YEAR OLD. He didn't want to admit him. It wasn't the answer to the problem.

I remember very vividly telling him "What the hell is the answer to the problem? ME? You think that my dh and I are the problem? You have a problem. You have a LARGE problem...b'cuz if this child is not admitted to psychiatric hospital TONIGHT and he hurts or breaks ONE MORE THING you will have the largest lawsuit of your life on your desk asap. This is not a threat. It is a promise. He should have been admitted last night. Officer Ron told us he wanted to admit him. You did not want to deal with the paperwork and the headache it would cause. Now, a 5 month old has been hurt by his brother because YOU didn't want to do YOUR JOB. Oh' and BTW...if you don't admit him you will need to have ME and my INFANT son admitted!!!".

This went on for several hours. S'rsly...several hours. It was after 11pm that night when the officer and my son left my house. My son had fallen asleep on the couch. He had forgot 'why' he was leaving by the time he was leaving. As the officer walked out the door, for the 110th time he said "Are you sure you want to do this?"

No dumb ass I don't want my son to be admitted into a psych hospital. However, it NEEDS to happen in order to get the help he needs. With tears running down my face, a 5 mo old attached to my breast, and a 3 yr old crying in her daddy's arms...we shook our head yes....

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Six years later...as I write this my heart is just as heavy.
The tears are just as thick....
The pain is just as raw....
The guilt is just as heavy.....
The what if's continue to rack my brain...
The if only's are just as many...

Sunday Cor turned 15 years old. I had a blog post in my head, actually have had for several weeks. I didn't have internet because we had just moved. Quite honestly, I can't go there.

Happy Birthday (belated) Corry...I only wanted what was best for you...that was all I ever wanted. I wanted you to have a mom and dad. I wanted to be your mom. Your dad wanted to be your dad. We love(d) you with every fiber of our being. We will always love you...

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Next Psychiatric Hospitalization...