Wednesday, December 31, 2008
~~The Story of My Life...the First 15 Years~~
I hope and pray that the next 15 yrs of my life will be filled with the joy and love from my best friend as the last 15 years have been.
We have been so incredible blessed with 2 beautiful biological children. Children that we were told we would never be able to have w/o medical intervention.
There has been a really bumpy road that we have followed. In the end I can't help but think those really bumpy spots have only made our marriage that much stronger.
The Story of My Life started 15 years ago and continues today....
(click on each small picture in the montage to see it larger)We have been so incredible blessed with 2 beautiful biological children. Children that we were told we would never be able to have w/o medical intervention.
There has been a really bumpy road that we have followed. In the end I can't help but think those really bumpy spots have only made our marriage that much stronger.
The Story of My Life started 15 years ago and continues today....
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008
This Sucks!!
....regardless of what type of c.ancer it still has taken my breathe away.
For the last few weeks I've been told by my mom it was 'no big deal' and 'many men go threw this'.
I reminded myself that my Great Grandfather went to Greece in 1974 (year I was born) for treatment. He lived until October of 99...just after Abi was born. P.rostate C.ancer is not what took him from this earth...he was 97 yrs old. Bless his heart.
Last night my mom called me on her way home from work. Dad will be having several other tests done this week. He will then meet w/doctor(s) next Monday and Tuesday of next week to determine course of treatment and find out the extent. He was having a bone scan and some other test I believe today. Not sure what that was for. I just knew in my mom's voice there was discouragemnent and changed drastically from the last 2 weeks as she has told me he was having the biopsy and so forth.
For the last 29 yrs this man has been the only father I've known and will ever know....
For the last few weeks I've been told by my mom it was 'no big deal' and 'many men go threw this'.
I reminded myself that my Great Grandfather went to Greece in 1974 (year I was born) for treatment. He lived until October of 99...just after Abi was born. P.rostate C.ancer is not what took him from this earth...he was 97 yrs old. Bless his heart.
Last night my mom called me on her way home from work. Dad will be having several other tests done this week. He will then meet w/doctor(s) next Monday and Tuesday of next week to determine course of treatment and find out the extent. He was having a bone scan and some other test I believe today. Not sure what that was for. I just knew in my mom's voice there was discouragemnent and changed drastically from the last 2 weeks as she has told me he was having the biopsy and so forth.
For the last 29 yrs this man has been the only father I've known and will ever know....
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Coincidence...maybe...who knows!!
updated to add...(see bottom of post)
If you read my previous post you will have been able to gather that someone decided to be rather unfriendly by leaving a rather unfriendly, uneducated, un-everything you can think of comment.
it is not something that suprises me. Really, I can't see why it should. The ignorant and arrogant people who used to really bother me and would wear me down - I am going to choose to not let you do that.
You are not worth the emotion and energy it takes to respond to. I was going to post your comment here. Responding to bits and pieces of it.
As I've prayed and pondered this today - I have decided that I will not waste the negative energy and emotions it takes to do so.
I learned a while ago that it's not worth it to spend time and emotion and energy posting responses to the negative...and, while I may respond now and then in the comments sections, I from here on out will just delete and forget, delete and forget.
Since I don't believe that anything is coincidental, and because this week is going to be a crazy one...I've decided that the recent negativity is a good sign that I should take the week off from blogging here on this blog.
So, you might see one more fun post from me tonight or tomorrow or the next day, and then you probably won't hear from me again until after this coming weekend. Hopefully, when I do post again, it will be filled great news of a fun time with my children and the joy they experienced this Christmas.
Thanks to all of my great readers...the VAST majority of whom are always positive and encouraging. I hope this post comes across as un-negatively as possible, because I feel very positive right now. :)
And, enjoy your week away from me!
updated to add: during the next few days I will take the time to decide if this blog and/or my other blog will go private. I suggest that if you want to be a 'regular' reader you leave a comment. As of right now, it is very likely that it will be private - by doing so for those readers who are not 'blog savy' that means you will need to send me a request if you want to continue reading...
If you read my previous post you will have been able to gather that someone decided to be rather unfriendly by leaving a rather unfriendly, uneducated, un-everything you can think of comment.
it is not something that suprises me. Really, I can't see why it should. The ignorant and arrogant people who used to really bother me and would wear me down - I am going to choose to not let you do that.
You are not worth the emotion and energy it takes to respond to. I was going to post your comment here. Responding to bits and pieces of it.
As I've prayed and pondered this today - I have decided that I will not waste the negative energy and emotions it takes to do so.
I learned a while ago that it's not worth it to spend time and emotion and energy posting responses to the negative...and, while I may respond now and then in the comments sections, I from here on out will just delete and forget, delete and forget.
Since I don't believe that anything is coincidental, and because this week is going to be a crazy one...I've decided that the recent negativity is a good sign that I should take the week off from blogging here on this blog.
So, you might see one more fun post from me tonight or tomorrow or the next day, and then you probably won't hear from me again until after this coming weekend. Hopefully, when I do post again, it will be filled great news of a fun time with my children and the joy they experienced this Christmas.
Thanks to all of my great readers...the VAST majority of whom are always positive and encouraging. I hope this post comes across as un-negatively as possible, because I feel very positive right now. :)
And, enjoy your week away from me!
updated to add: during the next few days I will take the time to decide if this blog and/or my other blog will go private. I suggest that if you want to be a 'regular' reader you leave a comment. As of right now, it is very likely that it will be private - by doing so for those readers who are not 'blog savy' that means you will need to send me a request if you want to continue reading...
Private or Not
I HATE STUPID PEOPLE....
There are some people in this world who think they know everything.
Who think that because their shit doesn't stink they can/will try to bring others down.
Let me just tell you KAREN that you are a coward. That your shit does stink and I will NOT HAVE IT on my blog.
You will not bring me down...I refuse!!
Because of your own stupidity it is likely this blog will be private. Which - stinks because the real reason behind this blog was not only for myself but because there are other people out there who are struggling w/the same damn stuff that our family went through. By going private I will not hurt anyone but those parents who are searching and looking for some sort of "she gets it".
Obviously, YOU KAREN dont' get it.
I have pity for you. I really do. Your comment was deleted. However, I may just post it here for all to read...at the stupidity and pure insanity that was listed. To take the time that you did...a hole 75 minutes to read this blog...you obviously don't get it and never will.
I know your ISP. I know your domain. I hope that you sleep well tonight!
There are some people in this world who think they know everything.
Who think that because their shit doesn't stink they can/will try to bring others down.
Let me just tell you KAREN that you are a coward. That your shit does stink and I will NOT HAVE IT on my blog.
You will not bring me down...I refuse!!
Because of your own stupidity it is likely this blog will be private. Which - stinks because the real reason behind this blog was not only for myself but because there are other people out there who are struggling w/the same damn stuff that our family went through. By going private I will not hurt anyone but those parents who are searching and looking for some sort of "she gets it".
Obviously, YOU KAREN dont' get it.
I have pity for you. I really do. Your comment was deleted. However, I may just post it here for all to read...at the stupidity and pure insanity that was listed. To take the time that you did...a hole 75 minutes to read this blog...you obviously don't get it and never will.
I know your ISP. I know your domain. I hope that you sleep well tonight!
Monday, December 22, 2008
When it Snows...
....I'll come back to get you!!
This is a comment that would come to not only haunt my dear Cor but our family during the years that Cor was w/our family.
Sometime the year before Cor came to live w/us his bm was sent to prison. I think it was around spring before he came to live with us his bm told him that she would "come to get you when it snows....".
Not only did this person whom I have no respect for abandon him....when it snowed on December 1st, 1994...but now she told him she would be back to get him...when it snowed.
Every year when it snowed our lives would be torn apart...
This year as it has snowed I have to say that it has affected me more than it ever did before. It has given me such a heavy heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Specially...when it snows.
This is a comment that would come to not only haunt my dear Cor but our family during the years that Cor was w/our family.
Sometime the year before Cor came to live w/us his bm was sent to prison. I think it was around spring before he came to live with us his bm told him that she would "come to get you when it snows....".
Not only did this person whom I have no respect for abandon him....when it snowed on December 1st, 1994...but now she told him she would be back to get him...when it snowed.
Every year when it snowed our lives would be torn apart...
This year as it has snowed I have to say that it has affected me more than it ever did before. It has given me such a heavy heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Specially...when it snows.
I'll Love You Forever....
100th Post....I've been trying to think about "what" would be an appropriate "post" for my 100th post. Not like it really matters. Really...I'm not that kind of person. Then tonight when I went to my dashboard to 'post' my post for today...I saw that "this" would be my 100th post...
So here goes it.....
When Corry's adoption was final end of April 1999 we had a adoption party. It was a big party. There were MANY people who showed up that lovely day on May 4th. It was a day all about Corry. He receieved MANY MANY gifts. He received much love and welcome into our family.
There was one gift that really stuck out. I wish I could tell you where it is 'right now'. I have to say that I sadly may not still have it. I have done some things that I regret over the last few years during/after our disruption. Getting rid of 'stuff'....was one of those things. So who knows where this gift is...
Love You Forever.
My Aunt B wrote a very sweet note in this book. She gave "ME" this book. Do I ever wish I knew where it was this evening.
My Dearest Cor...
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
Love, Mom
Friday, December 19, 2008
Prayers Answered
We got our snow day alright.
All 10.3 inches and there is more where that came from...coming over the next day or two.
While it took me 2+ hours to snow blow our driveway and sidewalk...all I could think was "This is SOO much better than dealing with that garbage and stuff I dealt with yesterday".
My daughter is feeling better - much better. I gave in and let her play outside for about 30-45 minutes this afternoon w/her face covered. She has had no fever and seems to be doing just fine.
Thanks for your thoughts/prayers and emails...
All 10.3 inches and there is more where that came from...coming over the next day or two.
While it took me 2+ hours to snow blow our driveway and sidewalk...all I could think was "This is SOO much better than dealing with that garbage and stuff I dealt with yesterday".
My daughter is feeling better - much better. I gave in and let her play outside for about 30-45 minutes this afternoon w/her face covered. She has had no fever and seems to be doing just fine.
Thanks for your thoughts/prayers and emails...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
~Praying for a Snow Day~and~My daughter, too~
First and foremost....Ms. Ab needs all the prayers she can get. She is one sick cookie right now. She was given a shot of antibiotics today for s.trep throat and also was tested for influenza. She has had a rather high temp since late last night/middle of the night. She has had influenza before and had a false negative (long story). She is really hurting and in so much more pain than what she has been in the past with 'just strep'.
In normal circumstanced I would not be praying for a snow day. However, this evening I am doing the snow day dance and prayer...over....and...over...and...over...and...over....
My lovely lurking readers....I had a really bad day. Sure, I've had many bad days.
My lovely lurking readers....today was by far one of the worst days that I've had in a long time.
I can not even begin to bare the thought of going to work tomorrow.
I have the next 2 weeks off. As I mentioned in a my wordless/pictureless wednesday post....it is w/o pay.
This evening.....I....DO....NOT....CARE!!!
What happened this evening on my bus has left me shaken. How I...a public official (since I am employed by the city)...was treated by another municpalities (sp) public official (aka...police officer) is not ok. I can not really go into it right now because my own mental health just can't go there. I just can't..I would give more 'info'. However, I've repeated what happend one to many times tonight. I will say that I am so greatful for my good friend Christine!! She is such a doll and I love her to death. We don't have an open radio....we have phones that come into our bus, that we push and request to talk and/or push a button in an emergency to 'request to talk' or our '911' button. I started w/the 'request to talk'. I came very close to having to use the 'priority request' and then even closer to using the '911'. For some reason my initial 'request to talk' came as an open line. Christine was able to tell that I was having problems, she was able to hear the dispatch supv. dispatching police and any/all road supvs to my bus. She called me to make sure I was okay. Had she called me "earlier" I would have probably broke down sobbing. But, I didn't...I kept it together and she says as she hangs up "Do the snow dance...dance and I'll say a prayer for you". Thank you Christine!!
I really needed something to calm the nerves and upset that I had after getting off work tonight. When I dropped the last of the kids I pulled over to a PDQ - went potty, sat in the bathroom trying very hard to not loose it, bought a hot chocolate, sat down on their chair and said "SCREEW....M.etro....I"M SITTING HERE and taking a break". That I did. I was able to calm myself down and then get back in my bus w/o having the urge of running someone over....
I'm home...I'm safe...
Tomorrow is a new day.
There is a foot of snow in our forecast for tonight....
SNOW BABY SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In normal circumstanced I would not be praying for a snow day. However, this evening I am doing the snow day dance and prayer...over....and...over...and...over...and...over....
My lovely lurking readers....I had a really bad day. Sure, I've had many bad days.
My lovely lurking readers....today was by far one of the worst days that I've had in a long time.
I can not even begin to bare the thought of going to work tomorrow.
I have the next 2 weeks off. As I mentioned in a my wordless/pictureless wednesday post....it is w/o pay.
This evening.....I....DO....NOT....CARE!!!
What happened this evening on my bus has left me shaken. How I...a public official (since I am employed by the city)...was treated by another municpalities (sp) public official (aka...police officer) is not ok. I can not really go into it right now because my own mental health just can't go there. I just can't..I would give more 'info'. However, I've repeated what happend one to many times tonight. I will say that I am so greatful for my good friend Christine!! She is such a doll and I love her to death. We don't have an open radio....we have phones that come into our bus, that we push and request to talk and/or push a button in an emergency to 'request to talk' or our '911' button. I started w/the 'request to talk'. I came very close to having to use the 'priority request' and then even closer to using the '911'. For some reason my initial 'request to talk' came as an open line. Christine was able to tell that I was having problems, she was able to hear the dispatch supv. dispatching police and any/all road supvs to my bus. She called me to make sure I was okay. Had she called me "earlier" I would have probably broke down sobbing. But, I didn't...I kept it together and she says as she hangs up "Do the snow dance...dance and I'll say a prayer for you". Thank you Christine!!
I really needed something to calm the nerves and upset that I had after getting off work tonight. When I dropped the last of the kids I pulled over to a PDQ - went potty, sat in the bathroom trying very hard to not loose it, bought a hot chocolate, sat down on their chair and said "SCREEW....M.etro....I"M SITTING HERE and taking a break". That I did. I was able to calm myself down and then get back in my bus w/o having the urge of running someone over....
I'm home...I'm safe...
Tomorrow is a new day.
There is a foot of snow in our forecast for tonight....
SNOW BABY SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
UGH I'm PO'd
I'm so po'd right now I can't even think straight...just need to vent for a quick second.
New kitten - Psychotic Kitten.
New Kitten - Kitten who will be looking for a new home soon if she doesn't shape the heck up.
Kitten is 6 mo. old and knows where the potty is.
I just caught her peeing on my dogs bed. Yesterday his 'towel' was wet and smelled like urine. He has pee'd on his bed before. So James thought it was him.
Nope...dumb @$$ Lily....
I grabbed her by the neck and went to stick her face in it and yell NO and she bit my finger and broke the skin.
OH Man am I EVER P.O.'d
New kitten - Psychotic Kitten.
New Kitten - Kitten who will be looking for a new home soon if she doesn't shape the heck up.
Kitten is 6 mo. old and knows where the potty is.
I just caught her peeing on my dogs bed. Yesterday his 'towel' was wet and smelled like urine. He has pee'd on his bed before. So James thought it was him.
Nope...dumb @$$ Lily....
I grabbed her by the neck and went to stick her face in it and yell NO and she bit my finger and broke the skin.
OH Man am I EVER P.O.'d
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Patience...Please Send Some My Way...
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
By: Franklin P Jones
Today I've learned via my children and the child we do respite for that my patience is running very thin....
This weekend has proven to be a very long one....
One that I hope not to repeat anytime soon....
Friday, December 12, 2008
Favorite Foto Friday
I'm to lazy to cut and paste and fix...the post I just wrote on my other blog.
So...to see the Fav Foto Friday Foto...got to "Story of My Life".
So...to see the Fav Foto Friday Foto...got to "Story of My Life".
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Get your hot cocoa...
this might be long!!
***UPDATED at the BOTTOM of the POST!!!!****
I want to start by first saying that this might be long. I tend to ramble. I tend to go in circles. I tend to not make sense some days.
Today - might just be one of those days.
Recently, I read on another blog of a sweet mother whose 3 yr old, chronically ill adoptive daughter...this mom said she felt she was drowing. Lord, can I ever relate. Sure, not exactly in the way that she was/is drowning..but I've been there...recently...as recently as today...yesterday...and last week!!
Back to the beginning and then to where I am "today"...
I dont' remember if I put this in my first few posts on this blog or not. So here goes it.
When we adopted Cor we were very active in our religion. We were full tithe payers, held temple reccommends and visted as often as our life/jobs permitted, held callings in our church and were all around...very active members. Our testimony was very strong. Our faith was very strong.
There were moments that our faith and testimony waivered. We wanted a baby. We wanted to have a family. We begged and pleaded with the Lord. We did every single thing that we thought was right for us and was pleasing to our Father in Heaven.
When the opportunity to adopt Cor came along we knew that the Lord was hearing and answering our prayers. We decided from the very beginning that if I were to get pregnant before Cor was placed with us that we would not adopt him. (In reality he should have never been placed with us until after the TPR was final). This was what we had been told all along. We knew there were no guarantee's. We knew that after his placement..there were no guarantee's. Now...we also knew that it would take an act of God for him to be removed from our home and his BM getting custody again...but that was a different issue.
When I had not got pregnant. When we had exhausted all medical possibilities w/in our financial ability to conceive....we knew that this was meant to be.
We felt very strongly that our Father in Heaven was telling us that we were to adopt Cor.
That feeling was verified even more so after he was placed with us. I had not got pregnant. I still wanted a baby. But I had not got pregnant.
Here is a bit of a timeline....
October 15 1998 the BM's parental rights were terminated.
October 15, 1998 legal custody was given to LDS Social Services.
October 20, 1998 Cor was legally placed in our home with the intent of adoption.
rememer...I still wanted a baby. I still wanted more children.
November 4, 1998 I saw another new specialist. Five years and five infertility specialists later...I was told the exact same thing as the 4 previous times...You will not conceive naturally and if you do...the pregnancy may not be viable... Dang...I still remember that day. I still remember leaving that office as if a knife had just cut my heart. I went home and Cor was there. For a few moments all that hurt was taken away...and I was comforted by knowing that "I" had my little boy. This is what I had prayed for. My Father in Heaven saw fit to place this little boy in my arms and I would be his mommy...forever!! Little did this dr. know that a few short weeks later he would be seeing me again...in an emergency...
December 1, 1998 I saw my PCP-PA. I had only seen her 1 other time as we had a new insurance company and doctors. Penny would become a very sweet and dear woman in my life for years to come. I had been having cramps and spotting for several weeks (before 11/4). I was 2 weeks late getting my period according to the "fertility" world. However, I usually had 5-6 week cycles so this didnt' mean anything to me. The nurse insisted on doing a pregnancy test. I insisted she not. She won. Fast forward about 30 minutes or more...Penny had did her thing. Decided that I needed to have an endometrial biopsy and was quite certain that I had ovarian cysts about to rupture. She wanted me to have an U/S with in a week or two and than we would go from there. As she gave me my the dates/times of my appt the nurse knocked on the door. With a very perplexed look on her face. (One that I will NEVER forget). She handed Penny a piece of paper and left the room. She sat there for a moment. Tears filling her eyes. "Gala....(long pause)...you're....(even longer pause)....pregnant...." The next few hours would be a blur. As I sat there crying and being comforted at the same time I could tell that it wasn't good. Something wasn't quite right...or was it". She told me that she needed to make a phone call to the specialist that I just saw. Which she did. I heard every single word of that conversation and I knew it wasn't good. She sent me home to get my dh and then off to a the clinic for an u/s.
(This is getting long) Basically...for the first 2 weeks that I 'knew' I was pregnant. I also knew that at any single moment that my dr would decide to do surgery and I would no longer be pregnant. You see...the fetus was not showing up on the u/s. I did have a 'fetus like formation' in one of my tube. Two weeks later....we saw a heartbeat. We saw our piece of rice. We saw our now beautiful 9 yr old daughter...
This young lady was conceived....between 10/25 and 11/1 just days after the TPR, just days after the legal placement....I was actually pg when I first saw this OB.
We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cor was to be in our home. We followed our 'deal' so to speak and since I did not get pregnant before Cor was placed with us....he was to stay in our home. We were his parents. He had a baby brother/sister on the way.
Fast forward to the last few years/know. As I mentioned above we were very active in our beliefs and knew that our Father in Heaven led us in this direction.
Yet, here I sit....10 yrs later and this child is no longer mine.
I've lost nearly all of my faith in the priesthood leaders of my church. Ultimately, it was a few of these leaders who did things that were not ethicical, Christ-like - who ended up hurting my family in the end.
To say that I am mad at my Father in Heaven would probably be an under statement.
To say that I am mad at myself for not following my gut and instead following the teachings and the guidance of my leaders and continuing on with something that I knew in my heart needed to change is an under statement.
To say that I'm just plain angry would be an under statement.
I'm not saying by any means that I don't believe...
I'm not saying by any means that I dont' have a fierce and undying love for my Father in Heaven...I do.
I'm angry and for today and for tmw and for whomever knows how long...I've got to figure it out.
I've been told that I need to "deal with this anger" and make it productive. As I've blogged before about some of my thoughts around this issue...it will not happen. I am not even close to being able to pass the required math class in order to get into a 4 yr college. So now...I'm back to square one.
I've had people tell me things that I should do...I am just not thinking it is me. Breaking a dozen eggs or breaking something else...I dont' see that as being beneficial.
I'm holding on by one small piece of driftwood right now...
if you got this far...bless you. I don't really know that there is any real reason behind this post. Other than to say...that I'm pissed off, angry, and that is that....
**updated to add...
Even though I'm not really feeling better. I am. After I posted this I went to my college email/web page. I realized that ALL 12 credits I enrolled in last week for the spring semester DID NOT get submitted!!! I dont' plan on going 12 credits..only 6. However, I registered for "more" and can always drop after I decide what to do. Needless to say all the classes were now full. I sat here crying. Once again feeling like such a dang failure. I've struggled w/every aspect of this 'college crap'. My dh said something really stupid. i then got p'd off and left for work. In the process of doing that my shoe zipper got stuck...so it became a dog shoe and I threw it across the room. I got in my car and sat there (freezing I might add) and sobbed...I cried all the way to the store, all threw the store, and all the way to work.
Nothing has changed...but that good cry helped...kind of. Maybe that is what I need to do...just cry more. Ya, think? I don't!
***UPDATED at the BOTTOM of the POST!!!!****
I want to start by first saying that this might be long. I tend to ramble. I tend to go in circles. I tend to not make sense some days.
Today - might just be one of those days.
Recently, I read on another blog of a sweet mother whose 3 yr old, chronically ill adoptive daughter...this mom said she felt she was drowing. Lord, can I ever relate. Sure, not exactly in the way that she was/is drowning..but I've been there...recently...as recently as today...yesterday...and last week!!
Back to the beginning and then to where I am "today"...
I dont' remember if I put this in my first few posts on this blog or not. So here goes it.
When we adopted Cor we were very active in our religion. We were full tithe payers, held temple reccommends and visted as often as our life/jobs permitted, held callings in our church and were all around...very active members. Our testimony was very strong. Our faith was very strong.
There were moments that our faith and testimony waivered. We wanted a baby. We wanted to have a family. We begged and pleaded with the Lord. We did every single thing that we thought was right for us and was pleasing to our Father in Heaven.
When the opportunity to adopt Cor came along we knew that the Lord was hearing and answering our prayers. We decided from the very beginning that if I were to get pregnant before Cor was placed with us that we would not adopt him. (In reality he should have never been placed with us until after the TPR was final). This was what we had been told all along. We knew there were no guarantee's. We knew that after his placement..there were no guarantee's. Now...we also knew that it would take an act of God for him to be removed from our home and his BM getting custody again...but that was a different issue.
When I had not got pregnant. When we had exhausted all medical possibilities w/in our financial ability to conceive....we knew that this was meant to be.
We felt very strongly that our Father in Heaven was telling us that we were to adopt Cor.
That feeling was verified even more so after he was placed with us. I had not got pregnant. I still wanted a baby. But I had not got pregnant.
Here is a bit of a timeline....
October 15 1998 the BM's parental rights were terminated.
October 15, 1998 legal custody was given to LDS Social Services.
October 20, 1998 Cor was legally placed in our home with the intent of adoption.
rememer...I still wanted a baby. I still wanted more children.
November 4, 1998 I saw another new specialist. Five years and five infertility specialists later...I was told the exact same thing as the 4 previous times...You will not conceive naturally and if you do...the pregnancy may not be viable... Dang...I still remember that day. I still remember leaving that office as if a knife had just cut my heart. I went home and Cor was there. For a few moments all that hurt was taken away...and I was comforted by knowing that "I" had my little boy. This is what I had prayed for. My Father in Heaven saw fit to place this little boy in my arms and I would be his mommy...forever!! Little did this dr. know that a few short weeks later he would be seeing me again...in an emergency...
December 1, 1998 I saw my PCP-PA. I had only seen her 1 other time as we had a new insurance company and doctors. Penny would become a very sweet and dear woman in my life for years to come. I had been having cramps and spotting for several weeks (before 11/4). I was 2 weeks late getting my period according to the "fertility" world. However, I usually had 5-6 week cycles so this didnt' mean anything to me. The nurse insisted on doing a pregnancy test. I insisted she not. She won. Fast forward about 30 minutes or more...Penny had did her thing. Decided that I needed to have an endometrial biopsy and was quite certain that I had ovarian cysts about to rupture. She wanted me to have an U/S with in a week or two and than we would go from there. As she gave me my the dates/times of my appt the nurse knocked on the door. With a very perplexed look on her face. (One that I will NEVER forget). She handed Penny a piece of paper and left the room. She sat there for a moment. Tears filling her eyes. "Gala....(long pause)...you're....(even longer pause)....pregnant...." The next few hours would be a blur. As I sat there crying and being comforted at the same time I could tell that it wasn't good. Something wasn't quite right...or was it". She told me that she needed to make a phone call to the specialist that I just saw. Which she did. I heard every single word of that conversation and I knew it wasn't good. She sent me home to get my dh and then off to a the clinic for an u/s.
(This is getting long) Basically...for the first 2 weeks that I 'knew' I was pregnant. I also knew that at any single moment that my dr would decide to do surgery and I would no longer be pregnant. You see...the fetus was not showing up on the u/s. I did have a 'fetus like formation' in one of my tube. Two weeks later....we saw a heartbeat. We saw our piece of rice. We saw our now beautiful 9 yr old daughter...
This young lady was conceived....between 10/25 and 11/1 just days after the TPR, just days after the legal placement....I was actually pg when I first saw this OB.
We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cor was to be in our home. We followed our 'deal' so to speak and since I did not get pregnant before Cor was placed with us....he was to stay in our home. We were his parents. He had a baby brother/sister on the way.
Fast forward to the last few years/know. As I mentioned above we were very active in our beliefs and knew that our Father in Heaven led us in this direction.
Yet, here I sit....10 yrs later and this child is no longer mine.
I've lost nearly all of my faith in the priesthood leaders of my church. Ultimately, it was a few of these leaders who did things that were not ethicical, Christ-like - who ended up hurting my family in the end.
To say that I am mad at my Father in Heaven would probably be an under statement.
To say that I am mad at myself for not following my gut and instead following the teachings and the guidance of my leaders and continuing on with something that I knew in my heart needed to change is an under statement.
To say that I'm just plain angry would be an under statement.
I'm not saying by any means that I don't believe...
I'm not saying by any means that I dont' have a fierce and undying love for my Father in Heaven...I do.
I'm angry and for today and for tmw and for whomever knows how long...I've got to figure it out.
I've been told that I need to "deal with this anger" and make it productive. As I've blogged before about some of my thoughts around this issue...it will not happen. I am not even close to being able to pass the required math class in order to get into a 4 yr college. So now...I'm back to square one.
I've had people tell me things that I should do...I am just not thinking it is me. Breaking a dozen eggs or breaking something else...I dont' see that as being beneficial.
I'm holding on by one small piece of driftwood right now...
if you got this far...bless you. I don't really know that there is any real reason behind this post. Other than to say...that I'm pissed off, angry, and that is that....
**updated to add...
Even though I'm not really feeling better. I am. After I posted this I went to my college email/web page. I realized that ALL 12 credits I enrolled in last week for the spring semester DID NOT get submitted!!! I dont' plan on going 12 credits..only 6. However, I registered for "more" and can always drop after I decide what to do. Needless to say all the classes were now full. I sat here crying. Once again feeling like such a dang failure. I've struggled w/every aspect of this 'college crap'. My dh said something really stupid. i then got p'd off and left for work. In the process of doing that my shoe zipper got stuck...so it became a dog shoe and I threw it across the room. I got in my car and sat there (freezing I might add) and sobbed...I cried all the way to the store, all threw the store, and all the way to work.
Nothing has changed...but that good cry helped...kind of. Maybe that is what I need to do...just cry more. Ya, think? I don't!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It did my heart some good...
...........to have a nice, long talk w/someone who 'gets it'.
She does so on a level that she is currently living w/her child who not only has significant health issues but also the other gament of attachment disorder stuff.
Even though it was mainly about the upcoming weekend and the issues at hand w/her child. It was comforting to know that on many levels she understands. She knows. She is currently living it.
There is good in this relationship. I've taken a hit from some well meaning people that doiong respite for this little girl might not be in my best interest. Interestingly enough...in a odd kind of way it is theraputic.
Here's a (((HUG))) for this special mom!! And a great big THANK YOU for listening to my rants at the same time!!
Here's a (((HUG))) for this special mom!! And a great big THANK YOU for listening to my rants at the same time!!
Wordless Wednesday
only...I'm going to add some words. :)
On Sunday evening when we got out some of the holiday decorations when I came across one of Corry's stockings it was a real smack in the face. More than I was really prepared for at that moment. Isn't this what happens with situations like this?? I think so...hits you when you least expect it!!
On Monday night the kids were adament that we decorate our tree. I had every intention on doing it after I came home from work. I actually, was hoping to get the stuff out during the day and then work on stuff that evening. Instead - life has got in the way. SO far the onlly thing that has made it way up stairs out of storage is the tree, its decorations, a tall wooden snowman and the stockings.
Anyway, Bry and Ab were really wanting to decorate the tree. We have a 'lil' tradition. Only this year mom was stressed. Mom was crabby. Mom was really struggling. Daddy put the ribbon on. Mommy untangled the beads (they were new from a few years ago...) and Ab helped daddy put up some bows. Then the kids did the decorations. It wasn't a very 'peaceful' portion of our day. I wasn't the most pleasant person. I was annoyed at how rowdy, over stimulated from being at school all dday 6 yr old was...and I snapped. I told him that if I had to yell, scold, ect anymore that I would drop what was in my hand, pick up my coat and keys and leave. I meant every single word of it. It just was marred by something that is sooo incredible hard to accept this time of year....
That "something" shows to me in the picture above....
My children know how important it was to me to get a good picture. My daughter, bless her sweet little heart....she did so well. She tried so hard. She was such a pretty, posing, smiling young lady and it shows in her picture. She REALLY knew that mom's heart needed for her to be cooperative.
Even though I look at this picture and think that something/someone is missing....
I see 2 beautiful, full of life, young people. Whom I love dearly love. I find myself wordless many different times when I look at these 2...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
20/20 Special - Failed International Adoptions
I've heard a great deal via the blog world, the yahoo group I am a member of and a few other emails that have come my way.
I have not watched the program. Nor will I. Yesterday, I was somewhat tempted. I even went as far as finding a link online to watch it.
Then something came over me that said "Gala do not watch it...you don't need to..."
The more I've thought about that..the more I realized that "yes, indeed it would have been a waste of my time watching it."
I didn't have a failed International Adoption.
Instead it was a failed USA (AKA Domestic) Adoption....
I decided that there was no need to watch it because what would the purpose be? As usual the media can/does twist and turn things to look the opposite of what it should be. As usual a subject of this matter can not nor should be addressed in a ONE HOUR SHOW!!!
There is SOOO much more than the actual 45 min. of air time.
I did watch the trailer of this segment. It was very disturbing to me that they used the video from when the children had only been home a week. My heaven...that is to be expected. They left everything, everyone, every scent, every taste, the sunlight, the moonlight...their EVERYTHING ended!! They were only home one week. I am in NO way diminishing what was happening to thsi family (the parents)...but at one week home, come on!!
The other reason I didn't watch it...because I just can not.
Sure the holiday's are hard for our kiddos whom are adopted.
Just as hard for the momma's who no longer have their kiddos to hold and love.
Just as hard....
and right now I'm struggling, too!!
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