It is what it is...

I can not tell you how many times each day that I say this little montra..."It is what it is..." Even though I say this over and over to myself and others each day. There are always days that I struggle with being able to just let go and let whatever it is...just be.



This last tidbit has thrown me into a bit of a tizzy so to speak. At moments deep depression sets in and is litterally paralizing. Some moments are not so bad. Other moments juts fly by. At the end of the day, at the end of each hour, the fact that I'm so incredible exhausted (mentally) would be an understatement.

Earlier today I started an update on the events of this last week, of the last phone call we received today from J @ Cor's group home. I've deleted it. I've not got it in me to share. The end result is...it is what it is and there is not one thing I can do to change. The tears have flown heavily. The pain and grief is deep.

This evening I came across Christine's post "When Adoption Must Disrupt" and I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it is to read her words of support and love. Reading the words of someone who truly gets it. Reality is not many people really get it. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to because they don't get it. Sure I have a therapist. But you know what, even though she might try to get it she can't fully understand the realm.

It is what it is...

and there is nothing I can do or will ever be able to do to change this outcome. To change the amount of pain that everyone involved has suffered. And for tonight, that is really hard to accept.

Letter from the Bush Girls

I came across this link today "Letter to Sasha and Malia" and thought it was so touching.  It brought tears to my eyes as I listened to this letter be read.  The true meaning behind it all. 

 

Sometimes I worry about my children and the influences that society will have on them.   Thankfully, I am not in the lime light like these children and many others in the political or religious limelight will be and therefore my children are not subject to the intense scrutinty that so many children are.

 

This video reminds me I will not always be able to protect my children from such things as society, but the most important thing I can do is ignore it and focus on being a great mom and parent.

The video also reminds me while it's so easy to point fingers of blame at people who serve publicly, they are in fact all human. They may be presidents, actors, CEOs, pastors, authors, personalities, and politicians… but they are also human. Fallible, broken, but striving to be better….human.

If you've not listened to the Bush Daughters read this letter take a moment or two to do so.

Love, Gala

--
We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

update from last post

dh left a message for the group home owner. If he calls back great. If not nothing we can/will do about it. It is what it is.

For today, I need to focus on me, myself, and I.
For today, I need to get to the end of the day, avoiding any dodgeballs thrown my way.
For today, I will let it be exactly what it is....out of my control.

Thinking Outloud

...feel free to chime in if you would like.

After DH spoke w/Cor the other night we both felt it would be needed for dh to call the group home Cor is at and speak w/the owner in a few days. The purpose would be to see how Cor did after the call and the day or so after.

We didn't decide on what day or when. However, that it needed to be done. We also discussed that we needed to clarify a few things. Mainly, the point being...we will not be told, nor will be agree to continued contact on a very regular basis. But more of a casual and occasional contact. We also wanted to make sure that Cor's therapist was in agreement that he have contact and that he have support from him/her before/after. The reason I say this (not surei f I wrote this before or not) is because the day that dh talked to Cor this person left a message stating he wanted to know about setting up regular, specific contact. We will not do this.

I've asked him if he was going to do it. Each time saying yes in a just a little bit. It is 9pm on Saturday night. He hasn't done it. I do not want to say anything. Do I just drop it? Do we check and see how Cor might be doing? Do we just leave it as is and see what happens?

Dh spoke w/Ab on Thur. morning. Reconfirming to her that she is safe. He is safe. She does not have to worry about having Cor come back home. She seemed fine. And seems fine now. This morning her and I went shopping at Target. On the way there I was talking to my mom. She wanted to know how thing went and so forth. I casually mentioned that Ab knew. While I told my mom that Ab got giggly and smiley and said 'Yep, I know..." and seemed to actually be happy that she knew. While we were walking in the store she mentioned that someday soon we should send him a care package. All the while smiling from ear to ear.

She even said "yep, I heard dad talking to Cor in that same voice he talks to Bry and I in the mornings before school". ROFL...his rather matter of fact and very stern lets get things rolling not screw around so you are not late for school voice.... I kind of laughed to myself when she said this. He really did talk to Cor very firm. He was loving but also very firm and matter of fact.

It makes my heart feel good to know that she seems to be okay. That her fears seemed to be subsided and she wants to send him a care package.

I called in to work yesterday (you can read about it on my other blog). It was 99% a mental health day. From time to time we all need them. This week I needed them. As I mentioned on my other blog post - I can't in good conscious go to work and be sleep deprived. The week ended up catching up with me and when it did I crashed for the most part. My job isn't sitting behind a desk. When you drive a 43 ft long vehicle that weighs 40,000 lbs, and there is precious (and very obnoxious) cargo....it is not in the best interest of having that cargo's driver be sleep deprived. Thus, I took a day and just took care of me...me...me!!

Jumbled Mess

That is the only way to describe the racing thoughts and feelings I have right now.

I did not talk to Cor. James did. James seemed upset when he got off of the phone. Hard to say why. I mean really, why wouldn't he.

The one thing that I really wanted not happen....happened. This is one thing that I really wanted to keep from happening right now. Ab found out. James put Bry to bed. Got Ab in the shower and then he called Cor. Ab got out of the shower and I heard it kind of quiet upstairs. I went upstairs to 'check on her' and she was standing in the bathroom 1/2 dressed. The look on her face was not even something that I can describe. It was an odd moment. I quickly said responded with "yes, he is talking to cor". She wanted to know 'how he found our number'. I told him that the person caring for Cor was able to find our number and called dad a few days ago. Her next question was 'why after all these years?'.. I didn't answer the why. I just left it as is. I gave her a hug and said 'he will never come back home to live here...'. She quickly said 'yes, i know' and went into her room. I convinced her to come down to get a snack. She was trying to avoid me it was obvious.

We confirmed with her that she is safe.

More later...I guess. I realy don't want have much to say (well, I do) but I just need to go to bed...

I needed this laugh...

I think I'm gettiing sick. Maybe it is stress. Maybe I'm getting sick. My dd was home this mornig sick. She kissed the porcelin god once this morning and has been fine since.  So if I am gettiing sick lets pray that is what it is, okay?

 

This evening I came home and did my usual 'google reader'.  I love  Postcards from Insanity.  Many days I laugh till i nearly pee myself.  Of course, my daughter is to big for me to join in on her Ebay sales right now. :) 

This post - Mother Natures Bitch today really bites the bullet.  I'm sick. If I didn't know better I would think I was in labor. (FYI..I had an emergency hysto a few years ago...not even going there).  Laughing till I really did wet myself...well it wasn't to funny.  However, I am still laughing.  I really love her humor!!

 

Go over for a good laugh!!

Wordless Wednesday

As usual..I dont' follow rules very well.  I make up my own rules. 

 

This young man is always very near and dear to my heart.  There has been much heartache surrounding this sweet little face.  As we expect a phone call from him.  The first of its kind in nearly 2 1/2 yrs...I can't help but look at this pic and have it take my breathe away!!

A phone call

Night before last we received a phone call. In a post I wrote yesterday it kind of eluded to what/who it was from and about. Obviously, this blog is 'about Cor' and that indeed.

We were given first hand information from a caregiver. A caregiver who has called name listed in the phone books/online resources by my husbands first and last name. He first tried calling the state reps to get info. The county sw (same asshat that I've referred to many times) refused to talk to him or give him any information about it.

I can kind of see the reasoning behind this. However, I know from dealing with this man for 6 yrs that he is just plain evil. He should have evil tatoo'd on his head in my opinion. But that is nor here nor there.

This person gave us a semi update on Cor and what has happened and the path he took after the TPR nearly 18 months ago.

I have really struggled the last day and half over this and what we were told. What was asked of us. What the future holds.

We were expecting a phone call from Cor last night. He is calling his dad. The call never came. Believe me we watched the clock and my dh checked his phone several times I'm sure over the course of the evening.

This morning my heart ached for Cor. Thinking maybe it was because he was scared. Maybe he didn't want to talk to his dad. Who could blame him, right? The what if's were rampant.

About an 30 minutes ago the phone rang and I knew who it was. (Rarely ever does our home phone ring. I have 2 friends who call me, I knwo their numbers and if I don't answer they call my cell. Everyone else knows not to call our home number. Anyone who knows us knows that we use our cells exclusively. We have a land line because it is cheaper to have internet and cable this way...actually it is the same cost...more on this later). Anyway, when I answered it J (caregiver) apologized over and over for not calling last night. He felt bad I could tell. I was very calm, collected and let him know that we understand that "life happens and not always can we plan on making calls exactly when we say we can...we understand".
Really...why wouldn't we understand???

It appears that tonight we might here from him. I am not so sure that it is my best interest to talk to Cor. Yet, in my heart I want to. Yesterday, I was completely heartbroken and in shock and sleep deprived. This morning...I wanted to get in my car and go to the town he is living in and see him. Make sure he looks good and is being taken care of. Common sense over took me and told me that he is being taken care of...the young man that called us has spent hours trying to find someone by my dh's name. He has spent hours calling countless people in this state only be told 'nope...' and on to another person and searching again...this is love. It really is!!

So again I ask for some prayers. Prayers that our hearts will be softened. Prayers that we will be able to make peace with whatever is about to happen. Prayers that whatever the Lord has in store for his young man be his will. Prayers that our Father in Heaven will watch over Cor and give him comfort, guide him, and the comfort of knowing our love has never faltered for him. That all we ever wanted was what was best of him..that is my prayer for him this afternoon as I head off to work.

Why Does it Matter?

This evening I find myself asking this question to myself over and over...

 

"Why does it matter what Michelle Obama wore this morning?"
"Why does it matter what Michelle Obama wore this evening?"
"Why does it matter if she wore a dress that revealed her arms?"
"Why does it matter if she wore a dress that revealed her arms and what kind of atheletic arms she has?"

I think the Obama Family is a wonderful, beautiful family.  Together the 4 of them have shown my children elegance over the last few months.  Politics and beliefs aside...

 

I know that our world lives to gauge fashion.

 

This is thing that I struggle with...hearing on prime time TV, with my 9 yr old listening...what kind of 'arms' she has.  How beautiful her figure is.  How beautiful her athletic looking arms are.  This to me is a problem!!  Really, it is.  Maybe, it is because I am super sensative having come from an eating disorder background.  But, for the 2nd time this week I've been asked by my daughter after she has watched something that talks about, shows, or whatever the New First Family...

 

"Why Does It Matter....what you wear and what you look like?"

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending."

For today this is all I have to offer. This quote has hit a spot w/in my heart that really is so sore right now I can't even begin to talk about it.

I know that my Father in Heaven can/will raise me up. He will pick me up in the stormy seas. I hope and pray that I can be strong and I can be raised up threw this storm.

Heart Broken

I've not slept more than a few a hours or so.  My anxiety level has sky rocketed. 

 

The bandaid was taken off my heart.  It was opened back up.  The wound that was healing is now raw again.

 

My heart is torn in so many directions right now. 

 

I need to ask for some prayers. 

 

Prayers of forgiveness for the people involved in our TPR. 

Prayers for C. 

Prayers for my husband.

Prayers for myself. 

 

In short.  We received a phone call that took my breathe away in regards to C.

 

It has been over 2 1/2 yrs since we received any direct update or information about C.  I don't really want, nor can I (emotionally) really go into details right now.  (Sleep deprivation really takes its tolls in times of deep stress and heart ache). 

 

 Please keep our family, specifically my husband and I in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days and weeks. 

--
We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

Becoming Prepared and Educated

Okay..my last post was way to long. Oh' mercy me was it ever long. I'm going to try and not make this be very long. It was a bit of a rant. It was a bit of an everything. This is my defense...I was drinking a great herbal and honey tea. I never ever drink tea and I should do it more often, you think? I shut down my lap top and left Pandera or whatever it was called...and felt renewed. I got it off my chest. Nothing like a good ol' cup (or two or three) of hot tea to releave a bit of stress, right? If you dont' agree..that is okay. I'm not really bothered by it.



Now on to the real reason for this post. I've been asked this many times. Blessedfamily asked me in a comment to my last comment 'how' to become prepared, 'how' to not have happen what happened to us...*not in those exact words but essentially*. As an pre-adoptive mom I'm sure she is probably mortified by some of the things that I and others who have lived this (not many other right about it so honestly and candid as I do).



Truth be told...there is never any guarantee that any child biological or adopted will not suffer from RAD or other mental health issues. Really there is not. There is no way that I as a pre-adoptive mother thinking about adopting a child from Haiti, Guatamala, US or anyway could truly prevent myself from adopting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.



What you can do and this is where my dh were truly unprepared...is learn everything you can. Know that there are possibilities for everything. We did not know. We were not informed. Ten years ago there wasn't the information that there is now. Ten years ago our social worker sat in our living room and had a 1-2 paragraph/sentance conversation about attachment...It went something like this...

"Give Cor love, guidance, discipline....and everything will be fine". I kid you not....that is exactly what he said. Maybe add a few sentences. But I remember very vividly him saying this and me thinking "Oh...yeah..." Then as the months went by and then the next year when I learned about attachment disorder I was mortified. Had this man been informed, had this man properly informed us...we would have been able to start attachment parenting. We could have done so many things that would have helped this child and our family. The would/could have's can kill a person and so for today I'm not going to go there...



One of the other biggest things I hear often and read about often the RAD, Disruption groups, and other stuff...and...the biggest thing that hurt me in the end...



FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!! So many times I have heard individuals say "I knew when we were in Haiti....I knew when we were in China...I knew for the 12 months that Janie was in our home for foster care......" I knew...I knew...that something wasn't right, that there were significant attachment issues. But because of the fear of everything involved (loosing your child and your dreams) these parents don't say anything. Which in many cases is okay. And in many it isn't. I didn't follow my gut. I truly felt that my Father in Heaven had led me to this child and so here we were...



Expect the unexpected. And be greatful when what you expected would come to be doesn't happen.



Prepare yourself in every way you can. Read. Attend seminars. Read some more. Listen to those who tell you what can/will really happen.



You know...my dh and I do respite for a little girl who is adopted. N is 5. She is a doll. She is a sweetheart. We enjoy having her be part of our family. However, we see threw the facade. We see the hurt that this child has been threw. Her momma often says things to me that I think 'yep..btdt'. One day her momma told me "I used to be a therapist/sw....I used to work in the SN adoption part (I think that was the actual department..not 100%)....it wasn't until I actually adopted N and started to live this life..that I could truly relate! This is monumental!!



No matter how much you prepare yourself - you are never fully prepared for your daughter to all in one sentence tell you she hates you, you are not her momma, pee on you and then bit you....just isnt' something you can prepare yourself for. What you can do is prepare yourself on how you can handle it. Make sense??



Okay...this is tooooo looooong!! I'm done for today!

Uneducated, Uninformed...

and mean spirited individuals!!

 

As I mentioned a few weeks ago I have received a few not so pleasant comments in regards to our disruption.  I will not lie or hide the fact that the first one (also the most mean spirited) comment took me by surprise and stung.  I will say only for a little bit though.  Over the last few weeks I have had a few more 'uneducated' comments that have not been published. 

 

With one of comments the person did not leave a fake name or delete her screen name.  Nope, nadda she didn't.  I was able to reply to her.  Give her a little bit 'more' of an understanding.  Shed a little bit more than what has been shed on my blogs.  Her response was very endearing.  Truth be told, it made me choke up and I had to fight back the tears.  This person was not educated.  She wasn't being mean spirited. That was not her intent. I did not post her comment and now I wsh that I did.  I deleted before finding out that her intent wasn't meant inthe way that she wrote it and that she truly just didn't understand.

 

That being said...I will continue to delete and/or  not approve comments that are mean spirited.  If you choose to leave a comment and do not give me an option of 'responding' to you than your loss...not mine. 

 

I have a secret to tell you.  Something that I don't tell very many people.  Something that only a very few and select people know...until now....I knew that we couldn't parent this child who had been placed before us very early iin our placement.  I loved him.  I cared for him. I wanted the very best for this child.  We sought out treatment.  We went all over.  We went bankrupt doing so.  Yet, we spent 8 yrs back and forth trying to get him the help that we as his parents thought was best for him.  In the end...it wasn't.  I could sit here and beat myself up, become incredible depressed (believe me that has happened) over the guilt and anguish I have because I didn't 'say something' earlier.  

 

When I read about foster-to-adopt parents who disrupt the placement before finalization even though my heart breaks for that child. I'm so very greatful that the parents were able to realize before it was to late that they were not what this child needed.  It is not a choice that happens overnight.  Well, maybe for some people.  But for our family it wasn't.  It took a few years.  We were told by many psychiatrist and psychologist that this child should never live ina home with children who are younger.  Yet, we tried and tried..until our younger children got hurt...again...and...again... 

 

This is what KAREN had to say...I've deleted some of the content of her stupid, mean spirited, and uneducated comment for the sake of my readers (trust me..it was way to dang long and she must have been on a rant because it surely comes across that way...)  My comments will be in bold

 

I have just finished reading your entire blog. GOOD FOR YOU.

You didn't try your hardest. You didn't do everything you could!  TELL ME WHAT ELSE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE??

My goodness. What did you do when that poor boy started to have problems? You handed him off! Gave him to someone else...for months on end!! Several times over!!!
Do you honestly think that this is going to increase your bond with him? To shove him off to strangers...or grandparents... because you coldn't deal??? 

You didn't try your hardest. You didn't do everything you could!  AGAIN, TELL ME WHAT ELSE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE??  TELL ME...HAS YOUR CHILD TRIED TO SMOOTHER HIS/HER 16 MONTH OLD SISTER WITH HER OWN BLANKET...AT THE AGE OF 6?  HAS YOUR CHILD CAME AT YOU WITH A KNIFE AT THE AGE 6 AND 7 YRS OLD?  WE DID NOT REMOVE HIM FROM OUR HOME BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS FUN AND HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. 

When your birth children showed some emotional problems... You take them to nuro-pyscologists. When that poor boy cor shows problems...you take the advice of so e woman who has self published her own book! A woman with contravetsial, un proven treatments!  YOU KNOW WHAT...THIS CHILD WAS SEEN BY THE SAME NEURO DOCTOR THAT MY OWN BIRTH CHILDREN HAVE SEEN....THEY HAVE SEEN THE SAME DOCTOR BECAUSE OF WHAT THEIR BROTHER DID TO THEM.

And then, when he turns 12!!! 12 an age when hormones are kicking in, an age whe even the most well behaved child will become defiant and hostile...you toss him out of your home...without a goodbye! Like some badly behaved dog.  YEP...WE TOSSED HIM OUT.  THIS COMMENT JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU REALLY READ OF EITHER OF MY BLOGS.  WE DIDNT' CHOOSE TO TERMINATE.  WE DIDN'T FILE THE PAPERWORK WITH THE COURT. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE DID WAS NOT GET AN ATTORNEY.  BECAUSE OF THE LONG TERM RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT STAY..THE STATE WE LIVE IN SAID WE HAD TO BRING HIM HOME. WHEN WE ATTEMPTED...HE HURT HIS SIBLINGS AGAIN AND AGAIN....WE WERE NOT GIVEN A CHOICE AT THIS POINT. WE WERE TOLD HE CAN NOT LIVE W/YOU AND IF HE HURTS HIS SIBS AGAIN....YEP...WE THREW HIM OUT LIKE A BADLY BEHAVED DOG.  tHIS JUST SHOWS HOW MEAN SPIRITED YOU REALLY ARE KAREN!!

You have no choice with your birth children! And i KNOW that if anyone suggested to you that you give up your birth children...you would never do it!  YOU KNOW WHAT...IF MY BIRTH CHILD ATTEMPTED TO SUFFICATE HIS OR HER SISTER OR DID SOEM OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO THEM...I WOULD SEEK TREATMENT IN THE SAME EXACT MANNER. THE ONLY THING I REGRET I NOT KNOWING SOONER ABOUT THE TREATMENT HE NEEDED. NOT GETTING HIM INTO THERAPY SOONER. 
But for some reason, because you had a choice you said "i can't deal with him anymore...let someone else take care of him!"  AGAIN, YOU HAVE NOT READ ENOUGH AND IF YOU DID YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU READ. I CLEARLY AHVE PUT IN BOTH MY BLOGS THAT C WAS HOSPITALIZED IN A PSYCH HOSPITAL, HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO COME BACK HOME THE 2ND TIME...WE ATTEMPTE DTO BRING HIM BACK HOME AND IT WASN'T SUCCESSFUL. 

Can you really say, that this boy, who has been abandonded, with a completely unknown future...is better off? Do you honestly think that after all those years of living with you...to be given up...because he didn't behave correctly...is going to help him? Do you think giving him up is going to improve his emotional problems???  NEVER SAID THAT I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS.  THIS IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I BELIEVE THAT ANY PARENT WHO DECIDES TO DISRUPT GOES OVER AND OVER IN THEIR HEAD...

How dare you? WHO MADE YOU GOD??  You have destroyed this child.  AND HIS BIRTH PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS THAT ABUSED HIM DIDN? His future, and his sense of self has been snuffed out...all because you couldn't deal....  YEP ALL MY FAULT...NOT..   and you had the choice to give him up. To abandon him.
You condem his birth mother.  Yet you are no better!  PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO ME??
His birth mother was a drug addict. Someone whose choices and life were determined by her addiction.

You would give your life, your happiness and everything under your roof for your birth children....AND FOR MY ADOPTED CHILDREN.  CONSIDERING THAT WE FILED BANKRUPTCY NOT ONCE BUT TWICE IN THE CORUSE OF THE 8 YRS....BECAUSE WE WERE DOING WHAT? LIVING BEYOND OUR MEANS? i THINK NOT..WE WERE PAYING FOR OUT HOME TREATMENT, FOR THERAPY THAT COST MORE THAN YOU PROBLABY MAKE IN A YEAR JUST FOR 1 MONTH..

MY HAPPINESS...BITE ME!!
But for cor you gave nothing. YOU MUST THINK YOU KNOW ME OR SOMETHING...AGAIN, BITE ME.

.
You never loved him. You never cared. You never tried.
  AGAIN....BITE ME!!!

 

Okay..by the end I was getting a little pissed.  Ha..go figure.   The beginningn of this post started out nice and loving and I had empathy for these people who are as I titled this post and the first line....

 

At the end...I say you can just kiss my fat rear end!!

 

Okay..I said it, I got it out....now I really am not that type of person.  What you must know is that you can not, nor will you, bring me down.  I'll just get po'd off and well....here you go!!  Oh' BTW...this KAREN hasn't visisted my blog all that often.  She also is no longer posting (probably no longer a member because she got kicked off) of the list we were on together. I dont know that for a fact.  My gut tells me she figured out her 'evil-ness' was figured out!! 

 

If you got this far...God Bless You and have a GREAT Day!!

Not Me Monday

A few weeks ago for the first time I participated in the Not Me Monday blogfest (or so I call it).  I love the Not Me Monday segments.  Come on...join in on the fun. I would love to hear about your Not Me Monday!!  If you decide to participate. Please leave me a comment. I would love to read about your lovely week.

 

Since missed the last couple of weeks...this will be an overall from the my Christmas Break.

 

I did not back out of going to the movies w/my family last night, instead going to get groceries.  I did not do that. My daughter really wanted me to go w/them. I did not get into a debate w/my 9 yr old over how many movies I have went to with my kids over the last several years.  She did not  tell me to name FIVE.  I was not only able to name 4.  (I feel very guilty that I hurt her feelings so bad. I do not hate going to kids movies..nope I don't).

 

I did not stay up until nearly midnight every single night of my Christmas break.

 

I did not sleep past 9 am nearly every single morning of my Christmas break.

 

I did not pull the van over on the interstate, put my cell phone on my lap, and yell at my children like some bangee. I did not tell them if they did not shut there mother loving mouthes and stop fighting that I was going to turn the car around and go home. I most certainly did not tell my 6 yr old to shut up...shut up...I can't take it....No..I did not say that to him.

 

I did not look at the clock and count down the hours until I got to go back to work, my children get to go back to school...nope. I love staying home with my children!!

 

My last blog post on the "Story of our Life" blog did not discuss my secret. I did not admit to this. Nope I didn't.  I love staying home w/my children.

 

My dad was not diagnosed with c.ancer this week. 

 

I did NOT JUST HEAR ON THE WEATHER/NEWS that there will most likely be delayed school starts tomorrow morning.  No I did not.  For the love of everything holy, sanctified and cold...my children will not have a delayed start!

 

I did not forget to get important labwork which will end in me cancelling an important dr. appt.  I did not tell my family that I don't give a crap...

 

I DID buy my 10 yr old cousin a game boy advanced sp w/my mom for his birthday and then watch him play it very somberly.  I DID feel very good that he got something that my children take for granted. I DID tell my children they had to pick ONE of their games and give it to him for his birthday to go w/his advance. My son most certainly did not tell me that I had to 'replace' his game.  I DID tell him that if he didn't shut his lips, pick out a game, shut his lips some more that I was going to take his entire nintendo ds system and games and give that to his cousin instead...  He did not tel me that I was full of it and walk away. Nope..not my son. He is greatful for the GameCube, DS LITE, and WII that he has.  He is greatful that he has hours on end each week that he is able to do what he wants in a 3 bedroom house when his cousin lives in a 1 room motel room w/his mom.. 

 

I TRULY DO NOT want to go back to work tmw. No matter how much I did not say that I was not meant to be a stay at home mom....I do not want to go back to work.

 

How many days/weeks/months until spring break???

 

What DID YOU NOT do???

Patience...Please send me some!!

I'm praying for some patience right now. Lots and Lots of Patience!!

As a parent I have been very blessed with 3 (now 2) children who can/have/do/did play very very very good by themself.

Cor was the very best. He would sit for hours on end w/his leggos. I would have to pinch myself sometimes to think that this child could actually play so well. Among the many negatives and trials that we endured w/him - he could sit and play for hours by himself.

Ab and Bry have been good at being able to play by themself very well. Even at times together w/o fighting. It all depends on the day for togetherness.

As we have an extra person in our house these days. She doesn't "play by herself" very well. She doesn't entertain herself at all...ever!! It is very draining. OMGosh is it ever draining.

My patience level has worn down the last few days. Yesterday we were at my inlaws. My SIL is a self proclaimed know it all of everything....and well because this little person is so damn cute (she really is) she was letting her get away with not only everything...but also just entertaining her non stop. Oh' for the love of everything...would you just please stop I wanted to scream. Nope she didn't. So today...we are paying the price. I hope and pray that when she goes home tmw (I think it will be tmw) that her momma doesn't pay the price...

So patience it is. I need lots of it today. As I sat on the phone for TWO FRIGGIN' HOURS WITH UNEMPLOYMENT to 'open' my claim...I was a bit frustrated.

Right now it is nap time. Then it will be take Bry to his friends house and then not sure what else....

Oh BTW...it is only 1:30!! I have a long day ahead of me yet.

It is Here...2009...Year...of...hope...and...Change

Read here for today's post. I'm a little tired...a little blah...a little...well...just go to my other blog and read the post for today...

http://gardinerfam.blogspot.com/2009/01/it-is-here2009year-of-hopeand-change.html

( I can't get it to let me post it the usual way I do..ugh)