Monday, January 12, 2009

Uneducated, Uninformed...

and mean spirited individuals!!
 
As I mentioned a few weeks ago I have received a few not so pleasant comments in regards to our disruption.  I will not lie or hide the fact that the first one (also the most mean spirited) comment took me by surprise and stung.  I will say only for a little bit though.  Over the last few weeks I have had a few more 'uneducated' comments that have not been published. 
 
With one of comments the person did not leave a fake name or delete her screen name.  Nope, nadda she didn't.  I was able to reply to her.  Give her a little bit 'more' of an understanding.  Shed a little bit more than what has been shed on my blogs.  Her response was very endearing.  Truth be told, it made me choke up and I had to fight back the tears.  This person was not educated.  She wasn't being mean spirited. That was not her intent. I did not post her comment and now I wsh that I did.  I deleted before finding out that her intent wasn't meant inthe way that she wrote it and that she truly just didn't understand.
 
That being said...I will continue to delete and/or  not approve comments that are mean spirited.  If you choose to leave a comment and do not give me an option of 'responding' to you than your loss...not mine. 
 
I have a secret to tell you.  Something that I don't tell very many people.  Something that only a very few and select people know...until now....I knew that we couldn't parent this child who had been placed before us very early iin our placement.  I loved him.  I cared for him. I wanted the very best for this child.  We sought out treatment.  We went all over.  We went bankrupt doing so.  Yet, we spent 8 yrs back and forth trying to get him the help that we as his parents thought was best for him.  In the end...it wasn't.  I could sit here and beat myself up, become incredible depressed (believe me that has happened) over the guilt and anguish I have because I didn't 'say something' earlier.  
 
When I read about foster-to-adopt parents who disrupt the placement before finalization even though my heart breaks for that child. I'm so very greatful that the parents were able to realize before it was to late that they were not what this child needed.  It is not a choice that happens overnight.  Well, maybe for some people.  But for our family it wasn't.  It took a few years.  We were told by many psychiatrist and psychologist that this child should never live ina home with children who are younger.  Yet, we tried and tried..until our younger children got hurt...again...and...again... 
 
This is what KAREN had to say...I've deleted some of the content of her stupid, mean spirited, and uneducated comment for the sake of my readers (trust me..it was way to dang long and she must have been on a rant because it surely comes across that way...)  My comments will be in bold
 
I have just finished reading your entire blog. GOOD FOR YOU.

You didn't try your hardest. You didn't do everything you could!  TELL ME WHAT ELSE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE??

My goodness. What did you do when that poor boy started to have problems? You handed him off! Gave him to someone else...for months on end!! Several times over!!!
Do you honestly think that this is going to increase your bond with him? To shove him off to strangers...or grandparents... because you coldn't deal??? 
You didn't try your hardest. You didn't do everything you could!  AGAIN, TELL ME WHAT ELSE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE??  TELL ME...HAS YOUR CHILD TRIED TO SMOOTHER HIS/HER 16 MONTH OLD SISTER WITH HER OWN BLANKET...AT THE AGE OF 6?  HAS YOUR CHILD CAME AT YOU WITH A KNIFE AT THE AGE 6 AND 7 YRS OLD?  WE DID NOT REMOVE HIM FROM OUR HOME BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS FUN AND HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. 

When your birth children showed some emotional problems... You take them to nuro-pyscologists. When that poor boy cor shows problems...you take the advice of so e woman who has self published her own book! A woman with contravetsial, un proven treatments!  YOU KNOW WHAT...THIS CHILD WAS SEEN BY THE SAME NEURO DOCTOR THAT MY OWN BIRTH CHILDREN HAVE SEEN....THEY HAVE SEEN THE SAME DOCTOR BECAUSE OF WHAT THEIR BROTHER DID TO THEM.

And then, when he turns 12!!! 12 an age when hormones are kicking in, an age whe even the most well behaved child will become defiant and hostile...you toss him out of your home...without a goodbye! Like some badly behaved dog.  YEP...WE TOSSED HIM OUT.  THIS COMMENT JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU REALLY READ OF EITHER OF MY BLOGS.  WE DIDNT' CHOOSE TO TERMINATE.  WE DIDN'T FILE THE PAPERWORK WITH THE COURT. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE DID WAS NOT GET AN ATTORNEY.  BECAUSE OF THE LONG TERM RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT STAY..THE STATE WE LIVE IN SAID WE HAD TO BRING HIM HOME. WHEN WE ATTEMPTED...HE HURT HIS SIBLINGS AGAIN AND AGAIN....WE WERE NOT GIVEN A CHOICE AT THIS POINT. WE WERE TOLD HE CAN NOT LIVE W/YOU AND IF HE HURTS HIS SIBS AGAIN....YEP...WE THREW HIM OUT LIKE A BADLY BEHAVED DOG.  tHIS JUST SHOWS HOW MEAN SPIRITED YOU REALLY ARE KAREN!!

You have no choice with your birth children! And i KNOW that if anyone suggested to you that you give up your birth children...you would never do it!  YOU KNOW WHAT...IF MY BIRTH CHILD ATTEMPTED TO SUFFICATE HIS OR HER SISTER OR DID SOEM OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO THEM...I WOULD SEEK TREATMENT IN THE SAME EXACT MANNER. THE ONLY THING I REGRET I NOT KNOWING SOONER ABOUT THE TREATMENT HE NEEDED. NOT GETTING HIM INTO THERAPY SOONER. 
But for some reason, because you had a choice you said "i can't deal with him anymore...let someone else take care of him!"  AGAIN, YOU HAVE NOT READ ENOUGH AND IF YOU DID YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU READ. I CLEARLY AHVE PUT IN BOTH MY BLOGS THAT C WAS HOSPITALIZED IN A PSYCH HOSPITAL, HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO COME BACK HOME THE 2ND TIME...WE ATTEMPTE DTO BRING HIM BACK HOME AND IT WASN'T SUCCESSFUL. 

Can you really say, that this boy, who has been abandonded, with a completely unknown future...is better off? Do you honestly think that after all those years of living with you...to be given up...because he didn't behave correctly...is going to help him? Do you think giving him up is going to improve his emotional problems???  NEVER SAID THAT I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS.  THIS IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I BELIEVE THAT ANY PARENT WHO DECIDES TO DISRUPT GOES OVER AND OVER IN THEIR HEAD...

How dare you? WHO MADE YOU GOD??  You have destroyed this child.  AND HIS BIRTH PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS THAT ABUSED HIM DIDN? His future, and his sense of self has been snuffed out...all because you couldn't deal....  YEP ALL MY FAULT...NOT..   and you had the choice to give him up. To abandon him.
You condem his birth mother.  Yet you are no better!  PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO ME??
His birth mother was a drug addict. Someone whose choices and life were determined by her addiction.
You would give your life, your happiness and everything under your roof for your birth children....AND FOR MY ADOPTED CHILDREN.  CONSIDERING THAT WE FILED BANKRUPTCY NOT ONCE BUT TWICE IN THE CORUSE OF THE 8 YRS....BECAUSE WE WERE DOING WHAT? LIVING BEYOND OUR MEANS? i THINK NOT..WE WERE PAYING FOR OUT HOME TREATMENT, FOR THERAPY THAT COST MORE THAN YOU PROBLABY MAKE IN A YEAR JUST FOR 1 MONTH..
MY HAPPINESS...BITE ME!!
But for cor you gave nothing. YOU MUST THINK YOU KNOW ME OR SOMETHING...AGAIN, BITE ME.
.
You never loved him. You never cared. You never tried.
  AGAIN....BITE ME!!!
 
Okay..by the end I was getting a little pissed.  Ha..go figure.   The beginningn of this post started out nice and loving and I had empathy for these people who are as I titled this post and the first line....
 
At the end...I say you can just kiss my fat rear end!!
 
Okay..I said it, I got it out....now I really am not that type of person.  What you must know is that you can not, nor will you, bring me down.  I'll just get po'd off and well....here you go!!  Oh' BTW...this KAREN hasn't visisted my blog all that often.  She also is no longer posting (probably no longer a member because she got kicked off) of the list we were on together. I dont know that for a fact.  My gut tells me she figured out her 'evil-ness' was figured out!! 
 
If you got this far...God Bless You and have a GREAT Day!!

5 comments:

blessedfamily said...

Wow.. umm.. wow!
yeah... wow

I do read your blog often (and have read from start to finish)and it has been quite helpful for me in that it gets me to think about the real side of adoption.

My question to you is how can prospective adoptive parents, whether it's from foster care or international, prevent something like this? What advise would you give those of us interested in adopting?

You are a great mother, let NO ONE, NO ONE bring you down!

Linus said...

so sorry you have recieved these comments. I do understand. Its really all about keeping the WHOLE family safe. God bless for at least trying, I wonder how many of these folks have even fostered/adopted a child.

Nicole said...

I am so sorry that you had to get that comment. no one deserves to be spoken to like that.

Lisa said...

Unbelievable! I can completely relate to parts of your journey - haven't disrupted yet, but the therapies, the cost, the sacrifices, we're in the midst of this right now. Our last psychiatrist has recommended psychiatric hospitalization or a residential treatment center because our son is NOT participating in any of his therapy and plain NOT making any attempts to change his own behaviors while he's living with us. Great, we're finally going to get the help he needs right? Nope, insurance and adoption subsidy says that we haven't "exhausted all community resources" yet so back to square one. We're working with a home based therapist and new psychiatrist who are DETERMINED to keep him in our home, no matter what. Frankly, we are exhausted, everything in life revolves around him and what he wants at any given moment - he makes sure of it. His 17 day (was supposed to be 3-5 days) hospital stay was such a break for us it was unbelievable. It was stressful because we were expecting him to come home every single day after day 5, but when he came home worse than he went in, we KNEW something had to change. Then the state adoption subsidy office tells us, "Nope, you haven't done enough yet, get back in there and get more help locally" - another slap across the face after all the work we've done. THEN, the adoption support person (who coincidentally was the adoption worker on our case and finalized the adoption of this child into our home 13 years ago) takes a new job so we'll have to work with yet another new person who has never done this job before and is going to be pushing for us to do more in-home services. It is never-ending....whenever we think there is hope just around the corner, it's snatched away. My dh says it every day, "Exactly how badly does he have to hurt someone before they start believing us?" The emotional abuse he's heaping on everyone is enormous and the therapists response to that? "That's unacceptable Daniel, stop doing that" - yeah, I guess I forgot to try that.

We are digging our way out of debt and sometimes I wonder why? Why not just file bankruptcy and erase all of the credit card debt we've racked up on therapies that didn't work, medications insurance wouldn't cover (but the doctor was SURE would work - but didn't), replacing all of the many, many things he stole or destroyed from his siblings, the property damage, etc. So, every cent we get goes on credit card debt - not fun times for the other kids, new clothes, vacations, etc. that the other kids could actually benefit from. I feel like we're pouring all of our resources into this black hole of neediness and honestly? Since he was a baby, we knew that nothing was ever enough, we KNEW this, just didn't know what that meant or that he wouldn't just "outgrow it" like the professionals assured us. So, for all of the uneducated out there - shut up and educate yourself. Live with a child like this for several years, give your whole self away and then have him look at you and say, "not enough yet, keep on giving" or "f--- you, you lying b---, I'm going to tell everyone you're starving me, beating me, locking me up and then I'll get a new family and you'll go to jail." THEN tell me how I needed to do just one more thing to heal a child who probably could never be whole in the first place.

Kathy C. said...

You can so tell that she hasn't ever dealt with any kind of disturbed child. Maybe we could send someone to her house just to pee and poop all over her good stuff for a few months and see how that goes over.